Never been one to let the carrier drop

Dance like there’s no one watching
Love like you’ve never been hurt
Work like you don’t need the money
Follow your bliss

From a business card:

Dress like a rock star
Love like a porn star

From sheer’s mind:

Life is to be lived wide-open-throttle. Don’t sit there watching TV.

P. is a bit of a book snob, I realized today during a discussion about The Bridge Across Forever (A book my sister keeps telling me I must read, that I haven’t quite gotten around to yet but I’m determined to squeeze in this month). I’m not much of a anything snob.. well, there are limits to what level of shlock I can put up with.. for example, My Big Fat Greek Wedding = too much. Most things with Meg Ryan = too much. Danelle Steel = WAY too much.

But for the most part, pour the media on me! I mean, look at the cheesy fluffy trance that I *love*

I have no taste. Really. But I don’t mind. 😉

I don’t think I’m oscillating wildly any more. I have hope that whatever happens, things will work out and be okay. I have friends. I can see multiple possible future paths for me.

Now I have to load up the van and move my sound system down to Segway, then work my ass off and hopefully have NO M(ORE HEADACHES!

S>

the headaches continue being painful.

I’m past the begging phase of my attempt to reconcile with P., and in the ‘wait and see what if anything happens’ phase.

She is presumably back from her conference, though I haven’t heard from her yet. She’s probably busy working and stuff.

Had a long/good talk with Kayti last night. Worked some, got some stuff done..

Headaches that are completely immune to all painkillers really suck

S.

Even as I’m ignoring your advice, I appriciate you having offered it. Your best friends are the ones who kick you in the ass when you need it..

.. and sometimes you have to hear advice that’s exactly wrong, to *know* it’s exactly wrong.

S.

I no longer want to die at all.

One of the things that I came to emotionally realize recently, is that while the average human lifespan may be 70 years, there is no individual promise, at all. I could be hit by a bus tomorrow. Any of us could be. One of the only sure things about life is that no one gets out alive.

That is to say: Treat the people you love well, and don’t let go of them for frivolous reasons. Be slow to anger, and terminate connections with people only for very extreme situations.

Or, as (ARGH! can’t remember his name.. lead singer of Eagles.. fucking head injuries are really frustrating, I advise against getting hit on the head) put it.. ‘You find someone to love in this world, you better hang on tooth and nail.. the wolf is always at the door’.

And he howls.

my car is officially totalled. No value estimate yet.

I’m officially sorry I reacted poorly to P.’s email earlier today. I’m trying, folks, really.

I’m officially rejecting the advice of some of you who think I shouldn’t retry this relationship. I understand that retrying will be hard for me. I think the possibility of greater happiness lies down this path.

I apologize publicly to P. for overreacting to her mail and not reading all the words.. it’s like I got upset about a third of the way in and then even though my eyes were passing over the words, I wasn’t reading them. I’m sorry.

S.

So, I refuse to be depressed and upset any more. P. will return or she won’t, but I’m not going to sit around here crying about it. She’s welcome back if she chooses to come back, but I will NOT let her hurt me any more, either through lack of being with me or through not respecting me. Especially when she’s giving me a long list of emailed things not to do to a lover.. that I already knew, and as far as I can tell, she didn’t.

I know you read this, P. – you’re welcome back, but don’t expect me to feel that I shoudl always take your orders even if you come back. I still think you attacked me because I ignored a direct order, so ask yourself if you want to come back if you’re going to be okay with the fact that I am not your slave and never will be. I understand and accept – and always have – that you’re not my slave and never will be.

I would like very much to enter into a relationship with you as equals.

One of the things that I didn’t learn very early, that I Should have, is that one shouldn’t break up with a lover or think about breaking up with them just because one has a disagreement with them.. that arguments inrelationships are normal and natural.

I shoudl say, for the record, that I still want to be with P. even though I was hurt and somewhat insulted by her latest email.. (and that perhaps it is my own somewhat broken perspective that made me hurt and insulted by her latest mail)

I should also say, for all of you yelling at me, that the netfriend who I might want to share some physical contact with knows where I’m at mentally and how I feel about P. and where I am in my friendship with her and all of the above. I’m trying very hard not to hurt people here.