Archive for September, 2003

The Remedy (I won’t worry) and musings

Tuesday, September 30th, 2003

Well, I saw fireworks from the freeway
and behind closed eyes I can not make them go away
Because you were born on the forth of july, freedom rings
but something on the surface it stinks

I said something on the surface,
well it kind of makes me nervious
who says that you deserve this
and what kind of god would serve this
We will cure this dirty old disease

Well if you’ve got the poisen, I’ve got’s the remedy

The remedy is the experience
this is a dangerous liason
the comedy is that it’s serious
this is a strange enough new play on words
I said the tragedy is how you’re gonna spend
the rest of your nights with the light on
so shine the light on all of your friends:
It all amounts to nothing in the end

I won’t worry my life away
I won’t worry my life away
End chorus

Well I heard two men talking ont he radio
In a cross-fire kind of new reality show
uncovering the ways to plan the next big attack
well they were counting down the ways
to stab the brother in the be right back after this
the unavoidable kiss
with the minty fresh breath, death is sure to outlast
this catastrophe
dance with me
Cuz if you’ve gots the poisen, I’ve got the remedy

[chorus repeats]

When I fall in love
I take my time
There’s no need to hurry when I’m making up my mind
you can turn off the sun
but I’m still going to shine
and I’ll tell you why

[chorus repeats with really nifty bass walk behind it]


Or, as Melissa Etheridge put it, Remember how they taught you, how much of it was fear. Refuse to hand it down – this legacy stops here

I’m sure we’re neither the first nor the last generation to recognize how much of our lives are ruled by fear – so many of the fears completely unreasonable, or even often pointless. [Of late I’ve been discovering that all of my friends are afraid of the same things that I am – the things that I always assumed that I was alone in being afraid of because no one else ever talked about them.]. Now which president was it who said ‘We have nothing to fear but fear itself?’.

Why are we so afraid?

Well, the media is carefully set up to make us afraid. A afraid population is a population that is far easier to lead around by the nose.. it’s much easier to keep those damn radicals from complaining about the loss of their rights and civil liberties when you can play off the fears of the rest of the citizenry.. ‘We’re doing this for your own protection. See, you have to be afraid, be very afraid’..

It’s always comic watching old movies, seeing last year’s enemy. Once the germans, then the russians, and now the arabs are the bad boys. Who knows who it will be next year, but it’s for sure we’ll still need a enemy – and have a enemy.

I wonder, if I could ride inside the mind of the leaders of the world, of the broadcasters of the news and setters of the type, of those who spin the worlds events, if I could even understand their thoughts and mindsets..

I wonder where we learn to be afraid – is it something like hate, that has to be carefully taught? Did I learn fear of rejection through years of constant rejection? And why was I rejected?

I think it was Ani DiFranco who said They showed me a picture, and asked me which one was different and does not belong. They taught me different was wrong.

And I still remember the principal of Hylton high school, when faced with irrefutable logic, stating.. without even realizing how much he would skew forever my worldview by saying so, ‘Divirsity in a high school is a bad thing, absolutely’. I don’t think he would have said it if he’d realized how much of the school would know what he’d said the next day, and I still wish I’d had a tape deck, but he did, in fact, believe.

Look at standardized testing. The goal is to produce ten thousand identical units.. I think it was ‘The One And Only’ which said And you’ll find I can’t wear any uniform without some compromises, because you’ll find that we come in different shapes and sizes.

I will purge this fear from my life. I will say hello to strangers. I will hug my friends and near friends of both genders without worrying about what they think. Honestly.. how sick is it when you don’t hug someone because you think they might be afraid that you’re gay and attracted to them.. this has got to STOP.

I refuse to be afraid any more. [Now if only I could find the root password to my subconcious mind. Of course, one might make a good argument for not giving me that.. you delete too many fears, you might delete one that was important and was underpinning your survival. I mean, you have to figure that some of them are there for a reason. A fear of high voltages, for example, is probably reasonable for someone in my profession. ;-)]

Or perhaps I need to reword that thought too. A respect for high voltages is probably essentual. Fear, not so much.

Changing fear to respect.


‘What do you care what other people think’ – Richard Feynman.

Except of course that I do. Entirely too much.

Back to work..

SLacker I am

Monday, September 29th, 2003

Actually, I’ve done lots of work today. But I’m going to pause for a breif station identification.

Moving ever closer to the perfect MP3 mix CD for working alongst to. Actually, I have two flavors of these – there are the 80s rock flavors and the trance flavors. [Depends on if I’m debugging or writing new code, and on how tired I am]

Anyway, a few favorite songs today

Sting – Desert Rose. [I’m sorry, I just looove this song – the version he did with Ceb Mani)
Jason Mraz – I won’t Worry (The Remedy) [Seems so appropriate, amidst all these paranoid and patriotic souls. I LOVE this song. Every once in a while I get a urge to mount my PA on the roof of my van and drive around playing it and jamming all TV signals. Then I realize that probably wouldn’t have the desired effect]
Roxette – Stars [I’ve always loved this one], a bunch of other Have A Nice Day stuff. 727.. such a upbeat depressing song. Salvation.. [sex is like giving someone your root password, except that you can’t change it afterwords. ]
REM – Fall On Me [This is rapidly climbing into my favorite songs list. I wonder if other people get the same meaning out of it I do.], Belong [always my favorite REM song], Losing My Religion, Stand [One of these days I’m going to go _do_ this.. I was trying to do it in my head and I got it all confused. I think when I stand in the place where I live and open my front door, I’m facing west, and then if I turn away from seattle I’m facing north. But it sort of scares me that I don’t know. Think about direction, wonder why you haven’t now?. I wonder if this is why I’m always getting lost.]
InSoc – Walking Away, How Long, Lay all your love on me
U2 – Walk on, In Gods Country, One Tree Hill [guess I was just in a U2 mood today]
Yes – Drama [Yes, the whole album. I looove that bouncing bass riff. I may have to sample it.]
Thailand Trance ANthems (who KNOWS who originally did it) – Neverending story, Second Nature
Queen – Who Wants To Live Forever
Cirque De Soliel soundtrack – Alligria [Freedom Circus! ;-)]
Dire Straits – Going Home
Shakira – Wherever Whenever
Simon And Garfunkel – America
Simple MInds – 7 deadly sins, she’s a river, all the things she said
Foghat – Sweet Home Chicago [sometimes you just need da blues…]
George Michael [don’t even say it!] – Father Figure, Faith [which I realized opens with the signature riff from ‘Freedom’.. why did I never get that before? it makes the song make so much more sense..], I want your sex [parts I and II], Hands To Mouth, Teacher
Infected Mushroom – Hallucinigin, Daddo Dirah, Blue Rythmic Night, Dream Theatre
Indigo Girls – Blood and Fire, Land of Canaan, Love Will Come To you [I almost started crying in the middle of that, though.. don’t listen to indigo girls at work. It’s a bad idea. luckily with my cold I’m sniffling so much anyway I doubt if anyone noticed]
Jackson Browne – For America [again, for good ol’ Texas]
Melissa Etheridge – Silent Legacy. [If I’d been really with it, I would have played this one at N.’s birth, too..]
Moodswings – Redemption Song [one of these days, I’ll have to write up my memory of listening to this song while tripping with one of my other LJ friends who knows who he is but is probably afraid they’d pull his security clearance if they knew he’d ever done such a thing.. there was a ‘perfect moment’ in there where the trees crystalized into fractals, and I was higher and happier than I’d ever been in my life, and suddenly, for just one breif second, everything made sense. Alas, the illusion faded all too quickly, leaving me as confused as I ever am.]

It’s amazing. There are no longer any sounds in any of this music I don’t know how to make. Not that I could have written any of it, but at least now I don’t sit there tearing my hair out and wondering ‘how did they DO that?’.I need to try some more multilayer recording, as soon as I get my mac back. [sniffle – still no call from the mac store. What are they _doing_ to it?]

So I started the paragraph below to thank JL for saying some things which, even though he probably had no idea of their significance to me, were really helpful. And then I just, um, forgot to stop. Some of you might find the list amusing.

Thanks to and for making me feel like I’m not nearly as alone as I thought. And to for the long and interesting discussion about meta-thought. [For the meta-challenged, that’s thought about thought, which sounds recursive mostly because it is. Facinating subject – I never get bored of it.]. And to Martin for being my friend. And to for too many things to list – whether this is a intermission or the curtain, it’s been fun and wonderful. And to for reassuring me that everyone roots for the Phantom (among other things). And to for being a good friend, and once much more. And to and Scott for talking, listening, and being nonmundane, and reassuring me that nonmundanity is good. And to for being a good friend and a facinating source of ideas and thoughts. And to for the jam, and introducing me to drugs, sex, and rock and roll – not neccesarily deliberately, or in that order. (Also for going out and having a good time with me the last time you were down here.. you gotta come to Seattle more). And to Martin, who doesn’t even read this, for making me laugh more than I have in months, among ten million other things. And to Linnea, who definately doesn’t read this, for teaching me a whole lot about myself. And to Ron, for giving me the experience of rockin’ the house. And to Lee, for teaching me, learning from me, and generally being a inspiration to me. [If I ever do grow up, I think I want to be like Lee.] And to Vinnie, for everything you were. Gone, but not forgotten – and if someday you want to talk to me again, you’ll know where to find me. And to Jessica, for apologizing. [It wasn’t neccesary, but it was a really, really nice thing to do and I’m truly touched]. And to Lucas and Joan, for taking me to my first rave. And to Sean and John, for jamming with me, and trying to keep me from harm when I had left myself. And to Jane, for the laughter, and Lisa for the company, and Esen for talking to me when I needed it, and Diane for kicking my ass when I needed it, and H.K. for being a world class partier to aspire to. And to Killroy for inviting me to all those parties, and to Chief for 420, and Leo & Mac for the car, and Mish for, well, I’m not really sure what, but I’m sure there are things ;-). And Scott for believing in me, and Greg for pushing me just hard enough but never too hard, and Dan S. for making me plug in and play, hence conquering one of my biggest fears even if I did suck. And to the music and the network, without which my existance would be quite pathetic indeed.

I may not have very many local friends. (if you stretch a point, like 7 of them. Probably three I see every month) But in total friends, I am blessed indeed. They’re just scattered throughout the U.S. and occasionally elsewhere. Thanks to all of you. I should print out this list to keep on my wall for when I’m feeling especially alone. Especially since it’s not even complete.. I’m sure I have other friends & once-friends lurking out there.


Monday, September 29th, 2003

Congratulations, you’re Seattle, the Emerald City.
What US city are you? Take the quiz by Girlwithagun.

I guess I’m encouraged. If I were going to be a U.S. city, I’d be here. I admit, I sort of wonder how they worked that out from my answers.. but..

I can’t sleep. I’ve slept off and on – I keep waking up with racing heart, and my ears hurt.

So I’m listening to the Aarmin Van Burin track that I listen to from time to time.. (You know, the one that starts out ‘Lets take a walk togeather…)

After which I’ll listen to Transport. Then maybe the thing me & ron did..

which I wish I could be editing right now, so I’d at least be doing something approaching productive with my sleeplessness, but alas my mac is still in the shop. They haven’t even called me to let me know what the prognosis is, which is not encouraging.

Hopefully if there’s nothing they can do for it, they’ll eject the disk and return that to me at least *sobs*. Do macs have removable HDDs? don’t be silly, sheer, all laptops have removable hdds.. it’s just how many other parts you need to remove to get at them.

I really hope this machine doesn’t blow up or anytrhing. It’s been getting steadily more flaky also – first the CD-ROM door broke off, then the battery started refusing to hold a charge, and now the PCMCIA slots won’t work right.

I’m connected to the network via my trusty cell phone, which I have to say is just too cool for words.

If I had the mac, of course, I could just rev up my trusty unofficial hemisync generator (The real hemisync people will probably sue my ass for using their term, but I don’t really care that much. They load all their stuff down with a bunch of psuedomystical spoken word that just gets in the way anyway)

For those of you who find the phenomenon of hemisync (audio entrancement, perhaps might be a way to describe it) interesting, try this:

In Reason, create a Maelstron synth. Set both oscillators to be sine waves. Set the release to the peg on both. Turn the ‘spread’ knob to the peg. Send a note. Twiddle with the ‘fine tune’ on one of the oscs until you like the mental effect you’re getting out of the thing.

Helps to add some white noise. Bonus points if you can find a source of *real* whinte noise (a 2 hour sample of TV static works pretty well ;-)) but if you can’t, there’s also creating another maelstron and setting both oscs to be ‘pink noise’, release to peg, spread up, hit a nose, blah blah.

Anyway, I’m going to go try to sleep some more now. Keep your fingers crossed for me. I just wish my fscking ears would stop hurting..

In the spirit of the purity test..

Sunday, September 28th, 2003
The Ultimate LiveJournal Obsession Test
Category Your Score Average LJer
Community Attachment 21.51%
You’ve got pals to cheer you up when you’re down, but no audience to applaud you… Yet.
MemeSheepage 22.81%
Only trendy when it’s sufficiently entertaining
Original Content 46.77%
Some stories must be told – and you’re the one to tell them
Psychodrama Quotient 16.87%
Your dark side’s safe with us
Attention Whoring 22.73%
You do a little dance whenever someone friends you

Argh? Argh! Ook?

Saturday, September 27th, 2003

Trying very hard to concentrate and get work stuff done.. my todo list grows ever longer

Laundry for 5 days
Documentation! (must get screen grabber)
Get DLL stuff copied to laptop
Pack 2 laptops, CDs of music, handheld, parking meter, headphones, partridge, pear tree
? install reason on little laptop ?
SEe if P. will stop by every couple of days and check for boxes [canadian customs seems to have delayed my package in shipment.]

Wanted: your samples of yourself. Do you have any funny sayings? Un-funny sayings? Thoughts about the universe, (or life, or Everything?) Record samples in a low noise enviornment and e-mail them (44khz 16-bit mono WAVs preferred) to

Also Wanted: Your favorite spoken-word samples, period. Favorite recordings of comics, movie quotes, whatever. If you have truly large files, contact for ftp space. Otherwise, just e-mail them to

1) The tunnel. (This is going to be a *lot* of work – hopefully a smallish stereo will be as effective as a full PA in terms of making ‘the chord’)
2) Mechanical parking meter in 8 or 9 ways, for rhythm tracks
3) Hard drive array spinning up. [Then we start pushing and pulling on it]
4) 56k negotiation and connect. [So it’s been done before, so what?]
5) ‘This call can not be completed as dialed..’ (I wonder if AT&T has copyrighted this and will then sue me?)
6) Bush being a asshole. [This shouldn’t be hard. Really.]
7) Dan Spisak doing Monty Python. [No, I don’t know how I’m going to do this either. Maybe I’ll invade him with a tape recorder while i’m in SoCal. Good thing he doesn’t read my journal. ;-)]
8) Esen
9) Spoons and chains
10) Okay, so I could only think of 9. That’ll be enough to get me started

Okay, enough with the lists already. I better go download a framegrabber and write some documentation.

Must remember to put out the sunflowers before I leave. Otherwise bad things will happen.

I think I will plant sunflowers next year. Never mind the fact that my thumb is not only not green, it’s not even brown..

Okay, enough slacking. More work! [gets out whip and whips himself] Mush you huskies, mush! mush!

This isn’t working.

Good clean fun..

Saturday, September 27th, 2003

Had a fun night with Martin.. 6 hours of misc database parking meter boringness, then we jammed for a couple of hours.. [First with him on guitar and me on the keys, then vice versa.. ], then we played a couple of hours of GTA.. [ahh, the memories.. ]

Felt good to laugh. We’ve developed sort of a tendancy to taunt each other while we’re playing, and it’s just sooo funny. We each won one game.. which I suppose is predictable. I’ll have to dig up STA and C&C so we can play some more strategy-oriented stuff the next time he’s down here.

[Hmm.. it occurs to me that Craig might like video games. Or he might not – how many people who work at a pizza hut enjoy eating pizza, after all?]

Definately have to try and dig up some more real-life-friends. How does one make friends of the real, flesh-and-blood, in the same city persuasion? Should I get a part time gig at the music store? [I wonder if they’d hire me? I’m sure they would if I offered not to charge them.. some other subtle advantages to that, also – chances to play with LOTS of assorted hardware.. ]

I’ve had many other journalish thoughts, but I’m letting them simmer for a while. Martin’s journal package (he’s writing one) has a ‘drafts’ feature.. I like this idea a lot. I guess one can get a similar effect on LJ by marking a entry ‘private’, but it’s not nearly as convenient.


Saturday, September 27th, 2003

Martin is here, working on database stuff and stats.

I’m getting sick or something, which is not making me a happy camper, since I am flying to texas on Sunday.

Work goes well, if slowly.

Went to see Phantom of the Opera last night with P. – I still always find myself rooting for the Phantom – I wonder how many people do? I mean, sure, he’s a murderer and a terrorist and whatnot, but still..

Certainly people always clap the loudest at the end for the Phantom. Maybe everybody has a soft spot for the guy..

Nothing else new to report. My life is as always..

I was a Bad Sheer and bought a sampler on e-bay – so much for budget plans 😉 On the other hand, I just landed another several-day job in SoCal with the high-bucks people, so my financial future is still looking quite rosy.

I suppose i should pay in quarterly taxes, then I wouldn’t be tempted to spend my tax money.

Some day the IRS is going to come lock me up and throw away the key.. I mean, I try to follow most of the rules most of the time, but.. first of all, it’s hard to want to pay a lot of money into te system when they do such _horrible_ things with the money I do give them, and second of all, it’s all so _complicated_..

Went out psy-trancing the other night, which was a lot of fun.. was among those spinning, and kicked tail as usual. Saw Craig again, and some of the other regulars who I have not yet gotten to know.

It would be nice to have real life friends. 😉 I realized, hanging out with Martin (old RL friend from SoCal/Epoch) that I haven’t really had any for a while, besides P. – now that she doesn’t live here any more, I won’t see _anyone_. How eerie. In SoCal I had several friends who would drop by every once in a while, or who I would hang out with after work. But I’ve usually made friends through work, and, well, consulting just doesn’t have that many chances for social interaction. And all the people I do know through consulting live in other parts of the world, since almost all of my consulting is determinedly not local.

Spamming for bush

Friday, September 26th, 2003

I just got.. get this.. a spam asking me to support Bush.

No shit. Really. Not a forwarded email, a genuine spam.

I don’t know if this is a republican thing or a democrat thing.

I’m not sure which would be funnier.

And you’re _still_ having a nightmare..

Sunday, September 21st, 2003

I had another nightmare last night. This one was far, far stranger than the first one.

I had a next door neighbor who was only visible when he was near his house.

His lover was always visible.. and would stand out in the front yard crying, waiting for him to appear.

I tried to ask him why he was only visible near his house, and I got the strange sense of my left and right eyes being pulled away from each other, almost like I was being pulled into another dimension or something.

Then I tried asking closer to the house and he explained it, and I know his explanation made sense, but I Don’t remember a single word of it.

So I had a couple of friends over (who happen to live on the other side of the world, Scott and Cori) and was explaining to them about my strange next door neighbor, when he walked through one of the walls and roared ‘YOU TOLD SOMEONE ABOUT ME..’ – and I just knew he was going to kill us all.

Then I woke up.

I don’t usually have nightmares.. having two in one week is a little disturbing. Hopefully this will be the last..

not that I think I am god..

Sunday, September 21st, 2003

Or not all of.

A subset. Sheer is a subset of god. If indeed god there be.

Vibe would tend to suggest that humans are networkable, at least in some sense. They may not be networkable the way computers are.. I can’t think a thought in the direction of someone else and have it arrive.. or at least, I don’t _think_ I can think a thought at someone else and have it arrive, although sometimes some very strange things do happen..

but the experience of vibe *to me* makes it reletively clear that humans are networkable. I can experience something that is larger and more expansive than I am.

[I still resent the fact that the RAVE act is a direct assault on the closest thing to a religion that I have. Whatever happened to the first amendment? If they passed the RAPE act.. [stop priests from raping young boys by finding their churches responsable and charging them millions of dollars] we’d never hear the end of it..]