Never been one to let the carrier drop

P’s journal is all about me being more comfortable without her and can’t wait for J. to get back and..

I’m so sick of everything. F.B. was a success from a turnout standpoint, and lots of people had lots of fun, but no one bought CDs and many people weren’t even aware MC was a live act.. (it was awesome seeing so many people on the dance floor during our set tho).. then there was much panic with dissapearing belongings (some friends of mine had things stolen even ;-() – apparently we were visited by some asian gang or something.. and then the moment which convinced me that I’m not ready to do this again for a long time.. one of the spod crew comes up to me, and tells me there are rumors someone in the venue has a gun.

What do you even do? Eventually the Seattle P.D. showed up and squared everything away and the party rolled on (honestly, I don’t think I’ve ever been so glad to see a cop in my life..) and it turned out it was only a knife.. but still, could have just as easily been a gun. Could have been a semiauto and they could have started taking out ravers at random.. someone did post on the list, ‘so many ravers, so little ammo’…

I wanted to curl up in a little ball, and here’s this group of people looking to me for answers, for direction, and suddenly I’m aware of just how little about throwing these events I know. Sure, I can make the sound system and the lighting work well, but..

I just don’t know if I want that kind of responsability again. It’ll be a long while anyway.

And I’ve lost P., and nothing is right with the world..

There were some really intensely fun moments.. before the gangstas moved in at 4 am, we had vibe out the ying yang, the trance was great.. MC’s set was truly awful at first because of sound board issues, but once we got the tech stuff squared away, we were rocking the house. There were like 100 people on the dancefloor, people dancing everywhere, and we were what they were dancing to.

We sold like 20 CDs.. I had hoped for 50, but.. I don’t know. People are gonna do what they’re gonna do. Turnout was *huge* .. I think we might have had 450 people through there. We shut down at 6, right on schedule, and got the venue cleaned up well enough that the house seemed happy when we left..

Another bitch.. the HOUSE LEFT US ALONE! They promised they’d have a person there, and they didn’t.. we couldn’t lock doors, unlock doors, there was no one guarding the back office and we kept haivng to go back there adn kick people out and hear about how they were best friends with Bruce honest.. [maybe they were. I think Bruce will forgive me when he understands the position I was in.. ]

I don’t know. I can look at all the people who had a obviously great time and say it was a total success.. or I can look at all the things that went wrong.. (the decks kept skipping from the dancers, we had to relocate them during MC’s set.. it was just a zoo..) and say it was a total failure. Or somewhere in between.

And I’ve still lost P. in any case.

I feel rather dissillusioned about the whole thing.. about everything, really. The spods are here, which is nice, but.. nothing seems to matter.

and all I got was this book.. 😉

Seriously, many things happened at F.B. – many good, many bad. I’ll write more later.

my house is full of spods, my car is full of CDs, and it’s time to *bump* that shiznit..

Fluffy bunny, here we go…

so, no matter how depressed I feel today.. which is a pretty large quantitiy on the depressed-o-meter, I don’t know when I’ve felt this bad.. I really need to get off my ass, pick up the subwoofers, go get the CDs, figure out deco and how we’re getting into the building tomorrow and..

COme too far. Gotta finish up, gotta make it happen.

S.

After sleeping with the devil you’d love to close the book.. but you’ve gotta wonder how the baby’s gonna look

So I’m about at that point where I beg and plead for P. to come back to me. Which, of course, is a really pointless endevor.

I wonder what comes next in this ever changing roller coaster? I’m sorry I ever climbed on, I’ll say that much..

I admit that last post didn’t make a lot of sense. I knew what I was trying to say, but I didn’t do a very good job of saying it. In general, this election cycle has left me rather at a loss for words. Especially since I feel close to certain that Bush cheated, and that we’ll never even know about it. Look, I work on computers all day, every day.. and I wouldn’t trust a computer without a very, very, very, very good auditing system to record my vote, period. I especially wouldn’t trust one made by a company that Cheney has noticable amounts of stock in. I mean, we already know that lying – even to start a war – isn’t beneith these people. It looks like Cheney/Halliburton are going to get away with it cold..

Can’t we do *something*?

So yes, I’m still upset about this. It’s even made me several times momentarily forget missing P.

another friend of mine was chastizing me for not having set up a appointment with a counsoler yet.. and perhaps she’s right. But I don’t think anything but time is going to make this hurt any less. Until then, I’m sorry I’m no fun to be around..

I guess we should have known that america hasn’t grown up enough yet to recognize that being the playground bully isn’t moral – she’s only 250 years old, and that’s pretty young for a country.

And we should have realized that she hasn’t grown up enough to accept that everyone is free to love in their own ways, and that gays should have as much right to be married as straights. Again, she’s still a kid. Give her time.

Our generation will be in power soon enough. In the meantime, we can watch our parents continue their intolerence and stupidity, and learn carefully what they’re doing wrong, and make sure that we manage to do better. People seem to turn republican as they grow older.. if we watch closely enough, we can avoid that process.

I think the reason people turn republican is that the world beats them down. One or ten or a hundred times too many having things go wrong kills their idealism, and leaves them thinking ‘every man for himself’ – since that is basically the republican mantra. (I equate being republican with being a asshole for some reason. maybe it’s because so many of them are.. so selfish that they don’t even notice driving their SUVS is killing off the rest of the world, leading to wars over oil, etc, so narrowminded that they can’t accept any viewpoint that isn’t within 5 degrees of their own..

So, in order to avoid turning republican, we have to avoid being beaten down. Every time something really bad happens to us, as individuals or as a country, we have to manage to stand up and say, ‘no, I will not let this dampen my spirits, or darken might light!’

While it is tempting to just give up on the US, and move elsewhere – very tempting, since Bush may very well start WWIII – to do so would be to allow myself to be beaten down. And that way leads to becoming a republican.

How can people have decided? Am I wrong? Is killing people and lying to start a war okay with the rest of the country?

*cries*

Just when you think it can’t get any worse..

Now I’m starting to wonder what I do if more than 300 people show..

4 pages of posts on nwtekno. People I’ve never heard of in cities that are not seattle have heard of the event.

Next time we may have to rent a bigger place..

(and there will be a next time, unless it’s a utter disaster.)

Mischief committee, in Portland Oregon tomorrow! Plus, providing sound for event. Event details at http://www.nwtekno.org/vb/showthread.php?threadid=79352&eventid=18213

S.