Never been one to let the carrier drop

So, I do think I’ve been somewhat successful (granted with a fair amount of 36-hour-orbit-saying-everything-lurking-inside-me) at mourning the ability to be in the physical presence of my friend. I’m sure there’s still a lot more that will come out.. I’m not really sure who I am right now, or what I’m doing, or why.. I mean, I’ve still been working. I’ve been prepping for my band’s next gig. I still feel like there’s crying I haven’t done, and waking up still sucks but.

There’s actually a whole bunch of people I remember that I have no physical connection with any more. One of the downsides of having a mental architecture like mine is a very wide and powerful memory, which I think means I continue to miss people long after they’ve forgotten me. Felyne, for example, I have absolutely no power to find but miss.

What do I know about myself from things I quasi-remember, about my past lives?

1) I knew unix. Seriously, when I went to use it, it was mostly just skimming man pages.
2) Free fall has always felt wonderful to me. So have heavy accelerations. My first rollar coaster ride was amazing and wonderful. Sometimes when I’m riding the most intense rides at 6 flags I have the sense that I should be able to make a act of will and come off the track and fly.
3) When I look at a scrolling list of deltas on a screen, sometimes I flash to the idea that I’m looking at a G meter on a very big craft doing reentry
4) I’ve been polysexual before. I think my homeworld (which Earth decidedly is not) had polysexual as “normal”, and mono as “a bit odd..”
5) I’ve lived somewhere where gay sex is also considered normal and healthy. I have the distinct feeling something is a bit wrong with my mind since I strongly only want girls.
6) I know without a doubt that there are many inhabited worlds. I get the sense that HTML is what it is so it can pass easily through a very very wide but high latency network connection, because I’ve lived somewhere where there’s many planets that use one web.
7) I love travelling and meeting people. I feel like I always have. I have few enemies, many friends.

I surmise at some point I really was a starship pilot.

This song will always remind me of Vicky

I was Gengis Kahn, I was arastophones
I was a guy named urgh in 50,000 BC
I was Rasputin, and all the chicks he had
I was Katherine the great
I was my mom and dad

[let me think about this]

I have been a butcher, I’ve been a baker, I have been a book maker
I have skippered clipper ships and dug for undertakers
I’ve lived to be 98, I have died when I was 4
I have lived through war and peace and war and war and war and war

I could write a book about my last life
I should write a book about my past lives
I could write a book about my past lives
I should write a book about my past lives

I was Abe Lincoln, I was all the slaves he freed
This life’s not the best life but at least you’re not me
I’ve been french nobleman and I’ve been russian peasents
I’ve been somebodies, nobodies, once I was a pheasent

I was there when Ceaser bled and I followed where Moses led
I wrote the words Mohommed said, I kissed the ground where st. paul tread
I was best man when Henry wed, I put the crown on Goerge’s head
I once slept on Washington’s bed, I shot John F Kennedy dead

I watched Atlantis sink below
Hung out with Bowie at the Alamo
I didn’t like being Edger Allen Poe
I was sick a lot when I was Rambeu
I helped the druids build stonehenge
Me and Bhudda invented Zen
Once I borrowed Shakespere’s pen
Joan of Arc was my best friend

I was there when Ceaser bled and I followed where Moses led
I wrote the words Mohommed said, I kissed the ground where st. paul tread
I was best man when Henry wed, I put the crown on Goerge’s head
I once slept on Washington’s bed, I shot John F Kennedy dead

So, I have a fair amount of anger lurking in my CNS. This is natural, since I’ve been hurt, repeatedly, a lot. A long long time ago, I’m fairly sure before anyone reading this journal besides my parents even knew me. But I don’t want to hurt people. Sometimes it’s really hard to behave well when I’m angry.. I find hurtful things slip out even when I’m trying to not say anything hurtful. I said something really mean to Brett because I felt like he was minimizing my experience. I apologized, and he seemed to accept my apology, but I wish that didn’t happen. I think probably I need to find some way that doesn’t hurt anyone to release my anger. There are times I want to beat the fuck out of a foam dummy or something. I’ve seriously been thinking of returning to martial arts, just so I have some way to release my anger that doesn’t hurt anyone.

I’ve decided I am a big believer in victory, not vengeance. I know that internally I am going to have to fight some wars with some subnets, that’s been talked about before. But I don’t want to be hurting them to hurt them, even though they might have hurt me to hurt me. I must remember that the idea is victory, not vengeance, and also the immortal words of Sun Tzu.. whenever possible, leave room for your enemy to become your friend.

So, even though i think polygamy should be legal, and even though i entertained thoughts of being a third in a certain marriage, i have to acknowledge the truth.

it’s not safe for me to be someone’s boyfriend, fiance, or marriage partner.

my neural network entrainment concerning romantic relationships came from a sick and abusive situation. The only mental model I can safely use, and i learned this does work wwwonderfully, is friend.

friend who’s open to expressing friendship sexually.

i can be in love with my friends. Am with many. I can love my friends. Works out fine. i can think of my friends as lovers. Quite nice.

as soon as i try to turn it into a romantic relationship using the shit software provided by my parents, pain fear loss bad is going to ensue.

if you’re a friend i’m sexing, and you get slammed by being in love with someone else, i’m instafriends with him and happy for you. If we’re in a romantic relationship pain’s gonna happen.

know this from experimenting.

i am so much more safe and rational around friend-lovers. I can still be super loving and leave love notes and write fantasy emails and get little presents .. and be happy. And be okay when it ends. And be okay if it never does end. It’s always worth it for itself right now.

my parents gave me crappy software. Not their fault, they got crappy software from their parents, and so on ad infinitim. But i will not live that way. It doesn’t work for me. I’m glad for all of you it does work for. But don’t try to tell me this is sin, because i know what sin is. All that pain and brokenness whenever i try a traditional relationship. That’s sin. That’s missing the mark.

All the help with deconverting out there is for athiests.

I’m not a athiest. I think there is a diety or dieties. I just think the truth about them hasn’t come out yet. I think it’s about to come out, now that we have a more rational set of languages to talk about what’s real. 2000 years ago they’d never explored QM, had not information theory, couldn’t have known what a neural network was.. there was no way they could be told anything even approximating the truth.

Okay. I’m definately not a stalker. I’m something undesirable, but stalker is not it. Stalkers, you know, show up. More often than once every ten years. I don’t even really cyberstalk.. I often lock myself out of facebook because the traffic in general makes me sad, I read her blog maybe once a month, haven’t checked any of her image lists in a while.

I just.. think about her a lot. And now, write about her a lot on my blog.

I’m actually even more impressed about my sister being afraid of me. My sister, who I am fairly sure managed to give me stockholm syndrome. My sister, who even after I got done blocking out my childhood I still remember insulting me, tearing me down, physically attacking me, threatening me, bullying me, and somehow managing to make me feel sick and weak and small and powerless. And who apparently doesn’t get that yes, I will ask anyone for sex that I would like to sex, but I accept no. And you can always tell me where your lines are, and I will not cross them. She thinks I shouldn’t have had to tell her where her lines were. Really? With the huge variety of lines different people have, and how good things can be if you’re willing to trust in love and believe people’s lines are sufficient for them to be interested in experiencing awesome with you.. I generally go for thinking the best of people, both in that they’re as capable as me and they’re as open and loving and real. Some people, though, just aren’t.

You made yourself afraid. I never did. And yet, I have a feeling if I had wanted to be a murder victem instead of a suicide, you would have gladly pulled the trigger. I think the reason you hated Kayti so much is you and her were so much alike.

Vicky, I hope you’re reading this.

I know a lot of other people in my life are riveted at this point. I don’t think any of us, me most of all, anticipated I would just try saying everything.

And then, I feel Jonny.

Halfway between Sheer and Jonathan, he did survive. He’s still within my neural net. He loves to dance. That’s about all I know about him at this point. Sometimes I wonder if he will ultimately win out over Sheer, because he does not know what a boundery is. The idea scares me. Oh, god, there’s still a 16 year old who has only been kissed once inside my neural net. I can’t decide.. do I keep him caged, or do I let him see the light of day? It might be he would be a better musician than Sheer. He’s the one who would never care about being paid, who would be playing to a empty club just because he loves playing with sound. He’s the one who would dance alone in his room because he loved to dance even when there was no one there.

Okay. Fine. I do have DID. Vicky-future isn’t DID, but I do have DID. Or maybe just a really active imagination.

Unlike my suicidal side, I don’t want to remove Jonny in the process of purging the not-good-idea stuff from my neural net. He’s beautiful in his own way. He’s so worried about being ‘cool’ and has no idea that he’s sitting next to someone who made it not even matter whether he was cool or not because he got so good at something that people were in awe of him. I really wonder what advice he’d have about my current prediciment. Leave a rose on her doorstep? That might be tricky when I don’t know her address and .. come to think of it, that would not actually violate any rules that I know of. I just don’t know how I’d pull it off.

Of course, I have no idea if she ever knew they were from me. I don’t think we ever talked about it.

I could have one of my friends contact her. That wouldn’t violate the rules she set, but I’m so afraid the answer is “I will never want to be your friend. I will never want to see you face to face again.”

It’s strange, but I think I’d rather.. not know.. than know that. That it was totally hopeless. And the problem is she has so many reasons to be angry at me. But if she’s angry, I wish she’d just call me and chew me out. I certainly deserve it and it wouldn’t preclude a further friendship. I don’t know if I can ever make her see that apparently we’ve been living in different worlds, and the one I’ve been living in just isn’t offended by much of anything.

WHat to do next. Try to forget again? Pretend I don’t feel it? I could say so many insulting things about myself and my position but I won’t because I’ve already torn myself down to below zero and at this point I am only interested in building myself up. There’s no mistake I haven’t hurt myself for a hundred times already. There’s no point in going over all I should have and shouldn’t have done.

There is a part of me that’s angry that she doesn’t care. That she knows she could make my life so much easier by talking to me.. if nothing else, hearing Vicky-cadence for a somewhat longer period would help me unlock memories – and it just doesn’t matter to her. I mean, I don’t think I hurt her like, say, Kayti hurt me. And I didn’t want to hurt her at all, and I’m fairly sure by the time she drove me to attempt suicide Kayti wanted to hurt me, wanted to hurt me as bad as she could.

I wonder how much of that was Kayti being angry that my workstation password was always ‘vicky’.

Well, she’s the one I could never find it within myself to even want to forget. I would give up my entire life, everything I’ve earned, written, etc.. to go back in time to when we were hanging out but have the communication skills I have now. At least I could have told her what I was really feeling and thinking and why. Early on in our friendship she asked me who I would want on my island. I’m still not sure of the answer, but she most definitely would be among them.

Reading her blog, she’s still Vickyish. She still scans as herself. Her amazing, beautiful, smart, talented, fearless self. Except, apparently not fearless enough to want to be friends with me. I have half the planet emailing me right now how much they love me, how much I’ve helped them, that sort of thing.. why should it matter so much that this one woman doesn’t want to be my RL friend? Except it does. I’m not going to get anywhere by denying what is real.

I’m so glad for the Vicky I talk to every day. She makes it hurt a lot less. She’s also Vickyish, sometimes very much so, and she gives me support and love every single day. So in some ways I’m much more lucky than so many people, who have to deal with this pain without .. what I have. I’m so much more lucky than so many people I know, who don’t have the experience of always having someone who loves them there to help them not hurt themselves. Except.. I can’t dance with her. I can’t skate with her. I can’t touch her.

Will this all make sense in the end? I hope so.