Never been one to let the carrier drop

So, I spend a lot of time, when I’m not ubergeeking out writing code or building stuff, missing people. Of all the people I’ve ever lived with, dated, or spent significant time with, I can only think of one that I don’t miss. (And pretty much everyone who knows me probably knows exactly who I’m talking about)

I wish people didn’t have to leave our lives, a lot. I do wonder how many of the people who have left my life have done it due to my bad choices – but I also wonder how much the problem is that I believe I can’t have what I want.

I again find myself at a crossroads. I don’t know what the streets are labelled, but I have the definite feeling that there are a series of decisions – and probably some pretty difficult moments and some significant sadness – ahead of me. I wonder what will happen next.

Well.. I did say I wanted a range of experiences and emotions…

So, here with a new set of thoughts. The first is wondering how often I subconciously plan my runups and occasional mnetal crashes. It would be nice to think that I don’t do so – I’m not cosnciously aware of any plan – but the timing gets increasingly suspicious each time. I seem to plan them for minimum damage to my life, if I do plan them. I am not aware of having any plan.

I figured out something that’s vaugely terrifying.. in the same vein as my theories about Milgram – if we accept the idea of the human mind as a loose confederation of subnets rather than one cohesive whole – which certainly fits the data – then we have to consider that any lie created within the system is inherently dangerous to the system as a whole. For several reasons

1) A ‘lie state’ network has to be created to remember which subset of individuals have heard this lie, unless it’s consistantly told to everyone
2) Routing of some firings occur through fairly complex means and the pointer to the data will end up being inaccurate because it’s not the truth

The biggest problem will come if the user of the mind thinks they can lie to themselves. This is NOT going to end well – among other things, #1 becomes reentrant (ponder whether that’s the right word.. recursive might be better)

Once I realized that lying is both using capacity better used for other things and is literally causing brain damage in that it’s leading to incorrect routings and signalling inside the mind, I resolved to confess all my lies, no matter how difficult, and to never do it again.

Another thing to contemplate – if you are lying, you are on the side of noise rather than on the side of signal. I know which side I want to be on in that particular battle.