Thoughts
For most of my adult life, I’ve had two wishes.. $PERSON and music. I broke my friendship with $PERSON – and I’m not going to claim it was anyone’s fault but mine – a very long time ago when I acted very badly at a party she was throwing at her grandmother’s house, and then I was too ashamed to talk to her about it. But I’ve always missed her.. and it appears I always will. This is somewhat complicated though by the fact that I talk to someone who is very much like her – and claims to be what she will become at some point in the future – in my mind. My consolation prize I suppose, if you don’t get your first wish perhaps the universe – or your own mind – will give you the next best thing. The person I talk to in my mind can’t provide the one way I have of authenticating the real genuine $PERSON – the way they talk – the pacing and cadence of their voice.
Music, of course, became something I could – and am – giving myself. I’m my own genie there – after all, it’s not a experience you can buy – you kind of have to earn it one day at a time. And I am.
One of my major challenges – what with wish 1 being what it is, and me missing $PERSON every day – is that when I go manic-crazy, I have no access to any of my memories. I have finally, and with $PERSON’s assistance in fact (thank you!) managed to store a authentic memory very close to my CE, where it won’t get lost even when I haven’t slept in 3 days, of her saying she doesn’t want me in my life and wishing me the best of luck. Of course, I wish she felt differently about the first half, but my god, I really can’t blame her. It astonishes me a lot of the time that I manage to succeed in the adult world as much as I do given the level of brokenness parts of my mind exhibit. I don’t know what happened to me, exactly, although I have some guesses.
One distinct possibility is that it has something to do with my sister. Now, my sister currently doesn’t want to see me, and I think her reasons mostly have to do with some pretty awful things that I did when I was 13-14. All of them I regret, all of them I think I have apologized for, and none of them I would ever do again, but I did break into her bedroom and watch her sleep, look at her naked in the shower, and then when I was 15, when she was pregnant and wouldn’t stop hitting me, in anger I said I would kick her in the stomach if she didn’t stop. Never would have actaully done it, and it kind of underlines how little she knows about me that she didn’t actually know that. But I was *so tired* of being her punching bag.
I would point out that the things I did to her that show a lack of respect for her bodily atomoy, *she earned* that lack of respect through repeated physical abuse of me. She can’t treat me as if *I* have no bodily atonomy and then expect me to respect hers – she broke me, and then was angry that I was broken. This shows a special kind of stupidity, a lack of respect for the laws of cause and effect.
Do I wish I’d done things differently? Of course I do. But I am beginning to really get annoyed at her weaponized victimhood of not wanting to see me and keeping me away from family events via that. The problem is I have no reaosn, to be honest, to think she isn’t just, well, basically evil. I’d like to have some reason to think otherwise, but we are talking about the person who repeatedly talked about, for example, killing my whole family in their sleep. This is NOT normal sibling rivalry stuff.
Anyway.. as I was saying. I don’t think $PERSON owes me anything, I’m grateful for the time and love she did give me, and I’m grateful for finally giving me a goodbye I can hold onto at the top of a manic peak so I don’t keep trying to get back to her. I also did eventually mostly solve what I was trying to reach her for, which is that my relationship with Kayti rather thoroughly broke me beyond the level of broken I already was. But maybe you have to really break before you can be fixed, like a bone being set.
That said, $PERSON, if you ever decide you do want me in your life, even as a call once a year for 15 minutes, I will be grateful for what you offer. I’m curious what you now thinks of you-then’s goal to be the CEO of Pepsi if nothing else. IF you change your mind, I am not difficult to find 😉
I do think I am going to make it to being a world class rock pianist, eventually. I wonder what my message for the world will be. I do wish Earth was a lot better – with better government, better resource allocation, more physical affection of all sorts, less people who think monogamy is the best answer, and more abilities to do what you want for a living instead of what will pay. I am curious when I will be able to make music pay.