Archive for the ‘$person’ Category

Wow..

Monday, January 7th, 2019

Only one musical post in all of 2018. Going to have to do better in 2019. I tracked ten different songs that I didn’t think were good enough to release in 2018, and I’ve tracked three so far in 2019. I’m not sure if I need to turn down the lint level, or if I’m just working towards another plateu. On the other paw, it’s not like I get emails clamoring for more of my music or anything 😉

One thing I’ve really been feeling is the sense of missing people. I miss Phoebe, I miss $PERSON, I don’t really ever seem to get over the people I’ve lost. I miss my uncle joe.. I’ve even reached the point of missing my dad, who is still in my life. (I have set up a camping trip with him – I’m not so stupid as to not fix the ones that can be fixed).

One of the things with Phoebe is remembering and regretting all the stupid things I said, especially during our break-up. I know that I participated in breaking that friendship too badly to be repaired and I wish that I had a time machine so I could do things somewhat differently.

Ah well, we go on. What other choice do we have?

I think part of what bothers me about missing $_PERSON at this point is that it’s been so long since I had any kind of contact that I have *no* idea who she is. At some point your copies of copies of memories have no real reliability to them at all, and generation loss has pretty much etched that one away to where it’s nothing but a guess. That combined with the sense that the things that pushed her away were not really me – I mean, they certainly weren’t who I would choose to be and they all occurred in extreme mental states.

Recently I spent some time talking to a facebook friend who seemed to have been experiencing a extreme mental state of her own. A number of my friends criticized me for this, or at least expressed doubt that this was a wise use of my time, but I am fairly sure that what I was doing fit nicely inside my philosophy of ‘be excellent to each other’, and that if more people behaved the way I do, the world would be a better place.

and I have to admit as I research neural networks, my half – and often scarred memories – combined with blackouts – of the periods where I wasn’t myself are telling. I’m fairly certain what I was experiencing was islanding – very large collections of subnets, large enough to be able to respond to stimuli but not large enough to sustain consciousness. This brings up the interesting question of, in DID, are the alters conscious? I’ve always assumed that they are, but then I’ve been doing kitteny neocortex research that is making me question that assumption.

One of the things I’ve realized is that there’s no way we currently know to know whether a neural network is having a conscious experience or not. A NN will learn, and respond to stimuli based on what it’s learned, whether or not the ‘magic’ of consciousness is there or not. At this point I tend to agree with the person who theorized that consciousness is what information feels like when it’s been processed, but I think that’s only true in a very specific context which likely has to do with the way temporal memory works. However, in building my unsupervised learning system for the kittens, I found myself implementing something very similar to short term memory because in order to do unsupervised learning in the model I’m currently using, you have to let LTP create the bindings first, *then* learn the lesson. You also have to keep track of previous lessons so you can unlearn them if they turned out to be wrong. (At least, to solve my particular problem that I’m working on at the moment you do).

I haven’t really come up with any new years resolutions – I have a vague sense that I’d like to exercise more, vape less, eat less, write more music, and generally try not to break anything critical about my life.

Vicky2

Saturday, January 14th, 2017

So, my first post of 2017 will be a bit of neoclassical – this actually started as a completely improvisational attempt to express my sadness, pain, fear, and other negative emotions surrounding a situation in my life. Whatever else you can or can’t say about it, I think some of my emotions when I played it come out nicely in the recording. Happier stuff in the pipeline, folks, including a cover of Angel From Montgomery that cooks pretty well, but for today, this is what we’ve got.

Vicky2.

Blame, continued

Wednesday, January 11th, 2017

So, it’s basically hopeless to think I could remember who would be responsible besides me in any case. Human memory isn’t written to the way computer memory is, and it’s not.. reliable in the same kinds of ways. So I might remember violence and hate and anger, but it’s impossible to know whether that’s real or not – especially since I’m looking at it from the other side of a closed-head injury. Look, the car I was in didn’t have a airbag. I don’t know how much damage was done to my mind, but I know it was enough that I couldn’t stick out my tongue straight and I was mildly aphasic for weeks afterwords. So talking about remembering who to be angry at is really, really silly. Because I *don’t* know what of my memories are real.

As far as $person[0], I remember you asking me who I wanted on my island. Apparently at this late date we can really safely say the answer is you. I remember you wanted to be CEO of pepsi, and you were a fan of Perot, and left post-it notes all over the house encouraging your parents to vote. I remember we went to many dances together, and we danced, and it was fun and wonderful. I remember you had a duck named comet who helped with the mayor of occaquan’s campaign. I remember six little ducklings growing up in my bathtub. These memories feel real. But unless I can convince you to compare notes with me about which of my memories are real and which aren’t, I’m never going to know.

Message to $person[0]

Tuesday, January 10th, 2017

So, you should probably read these in reverse chronological order, meaning you should read them from oldest to newest. See that category marked $person, over there on the right? Yah, click that. 😉

That said, I have a knack for saying exactly the wrong thing to you. For example, when I said something about what are you going to do about having a child, what I meant is, how are you going to handle it if one of your children has a mental illness (which does, believe me, happen) if you can’t handle one of your friends having one.

And the bit about me not even owning a gun.. what I meant to say was “I would never ever use force on you”. I don’t know how that got so tripped up coming out of my fingers.

Remember, I’m afraid of you being afraid of me, and that’s a nasty, nasty, nasty feedback loop. And I can’t just not care about you – I can’t remove you from my history, or from people I care about, or make how I feel about you have unhappened.

I’m in love with you. That’s a fact. It doesn’t have to be a major detriment on your life. I’ve got people in my life who are in love with me who I’m not in love with. It doesn’t keep us from being friends. However, me being in love with you does, often, make me say exactly the wrong thing at the wrong time when you’re concerned.
Please remember that the part of me that needs to understand what happened is *still a young teen*. Never aged. Time stopped for him. Think of him as a process sitting at a breakpoint.

You remember what that was like? Now throw in DID, mania, and the whole box of cookies I’m trying to keep juggled, including adulting, a day job, a music career, and helping my friends not go under.. I actually think I’m doing quite well, but I’m sure Clint will inform me about how well I’m not doing. But sometimes the amazing thing about the dancing bear is not how well it dances but that it dances at all.

So, when the protective order runs out, I’m going to do my best to *not* run over there and try to convince you to talk to me again. Instead, I’m going to ask ALL my friends for help, and use the gentlest, most careful way I can think of, because at this point, I’m convinced, yes, you’re scared out of your mind too. I don’t know if this is because I’m not seeing the real $person but rather reflected light from you inside the warped and twisted reality engine that is my mind outside my CE, and on the edge you’re just fine, or if this is really how you feel. But I’m gonna keep playing it like it’s real until it’s either utterly clear it’s not or something changes.

FWIW, I won’t call you, but you are free to call me. I want you to call me. And I won’t talk about anything a coworker at a place of business wouldn’t talk about, at least until we’ve negotiated a lowering of DEFCON level and figured out what if anything can be salvaged of our friendship. If that helps any. At the very least, it would mean a lot to me if we could get to strangers at DEFCON 5 and me knowing what you saw happen at the party where what I saw happen was a system crash and a suicide by drowning of *me* and a running away from my parents but still being captured and hurt and hurt and hurt.

Message to $person[0]

Tuesday, January 10th, 2017

So, here we are again. Me writing you. Except not as email, because your request that I not do so was starting to come with handcuffs. So I’ll do it here.

Look, despite some of the insane emails that I’ve sent you in years past, I don’t expect you’ll be my lover. I am, however, hoping you can find time to be my friend, at least enough time to help me put together my memories of what happened at your party enough that they make some kind of sense.

I’m *begging* you for help. My mind is badly damaged. I don’t even know if it is a closed head injury from a rear end impact in a car with no airbags at 60 mph (I was stopped, he wasn’t) or if it’s psychological damage from some sort of abuse (memories suggest there was a lot of that, but memories are unreliable), or if it was the experience of being cut off from my support network by Kayti (my experience with Kayti HURT a lot), or it’s just that it wasn’t rated for the number of cycles per second I’ve asked of it repeatedly. (I’ve pushed the limits. A lot.)

In the real, in the now, it works very well most of the time. See my linkedin recommendations. I’m really good at what I do, and I do a lot of things. In mania, I have a lot less control, but since you’ve asked that I not contact you, that’s the only time that I even think about it. Except as a backgrounded task, I’m thinking about it all the time, and it’s hurting all the time. We could really both save ourselves a lot of trouble by just having a conversation while I’m not manic. PLEASE consider this. I know there’s sort of a “Sheer is a horrible monster / Sheer is a rapist / We Hate Sheer” club out there. But I haven’t in fact raped anybody, unless you know something I don’t, and I never would have kicked my sister in the stomach – the threat was just the only way to stop her from *constantly* physically attacking me. Or so my memory (admittedly a fragmented view) tells the tale. And I do in fact try my hardest to be the very best person I can be, every day. As far as your “Don’t talk to me”, it is *really* hard keeping track of reality during periods of mania when you have DID. I invite you to try and do better than me, except that I don’t, because no one should have to go through the experience of *needing* DID, and I think I must.

But I’m begging you. Consider that you might not have the whole story, especially about things you’ve been told by my sister. Consider that if you heard my side of it you might feel differently. And consider that I have no reasonable way of assembling my memories of the night I first went dead inside at all without you.

Please, if I ever meant anything at all to you, please help.

Also.. Our friendship was for a time the best thing in my life. Maybe I remember it as better than it was. But I kind of doubt it. I’d really like it back. Enough to jump through basically any hoop.

Indigo Girls, Ghost

Saturday, January 7th, 2017

There’s a letter on the desktop that I dug out of a drawer
The last truce we ever came to
In our adolescent war
And I start to feel the fever
From the warm air through the screen
You come regular like seasons
Shadowing my dreams
And the Mississippi’s mighty
But it starts in Minnesota
At a place that you could walk across
With five steps down
And I guess that’s how you started
Like a pinprick to my heart
But at this point you rush right through me
And I start to drown
And there’s not enough room
In this world for my pain
Signals cross and love gets lost
And time passed makes it plain
Of all my demon spirits
I need you the most
I’m in love with your ghost
I’m in love with your ghost
Dark and dangerous like a secret (don’t tell a soul)
That gets whispered in a hush
When I wake the things I dreamed about you (don’t tell a soul)
Last night make me blush
And you kiss me like a lover
Then you sting me like a viper
I go follow to the river
Play your memory like a piper
And I feel it like a sickness
How this love is killing me
I’d walk into the fingers
Of your fire willingly
And dance the edge of sanity
I’ve never been this close
In love with your ghost, ooh
Ooh
Unknowing captor
You never know how much you
Pierce my spirit
But I can’t touch you
Can you hear it
A cry to be free
Oh I’m forever under lock and key
As you pass through me
Now I see your face before me
I would launch a thousand ships
To bring your heart back to my island
As the sand beneath me slips
As I burn up in your presence
And I know now how it feels
To be weakened like Achilles
With you always at my heels
This bitter pill I swallow
Is the silence that I keep
It poisons me I can’t swim free
The river is too deep
Though I’m baptized by your touch
I am no worse than most
In love with your ghost (in love with your ghost)
You are shadowing my dreams
(In love with your ghost)
(In love with your ghost)

Toad The Wet Sprocket: The Moment

Saturday, January 7th, 2017

For $person[0]

Shame
Doesn’t Become you
There are no mistakes
In the final view

No blame
How could it be so wrong
That your heart was braver
Than your will was strong

For every path you follow
There’s another left behind
Every door you don’t kick open
There’s a million more to try
For everything you taught me
Here’s the one I learned the best
There is nothing but the moment
Don’t you waste it on regret

I’ll Go
Who will it have to be?
Will you just get by?
Forget what you need?
Just know
I don’t need to fit in (But i’d like to)
Is there room for you
In your life with him

For every path you follow
There’s another left behind
Every door you don’t kick open
There’s a million more to try
For everything you taught me
Here’s the one I learned the best
There is nothing but the moment
don’t you waste it on regret

It’s out of my hands – out of my hands
But I miss my friend – I miss my friend
So this is the price of honesty
I’m not sorry
(But it hurts. A lot.)

For every path you follow
There’s another left behind
Every door you don’t kick open
There’s a million more to ty
For everything you taught me
Here’s the one I learned the best
There is nothing but the moment
Don’t you waste it on regret

Oh, the moment.. happens now
The moment.. everything..
How could it be so wrong?

More about the linear accelerator you all call mania

Friday, January 6th, 2017

“And if it rains again tonight.. I can think light-years ahead.. or I can put myself back a thousand years ago.. and say, well I’ve always been here before or it will be good to be born..
I’m a slow loser, but I’m a fast learner, that much I know. Anyone can go, that much I know. Anyone can go, that much I know.. Anyone can go..” –Jefferson Starship, “Hyperdrive”

So, normally our minds remain sync-locked with frames being passed to them from our senses – or the message bus that represents the edge.. or $WHATEVER is out there. We can’t really know where the information is coming from or even how much it’s being modified on the way in to our conscious experience. However, we can experience some really interesting things if we are willing to play with that sync lock a little.

You see, the human mind has a pulse – several, actually, the clocks that drive it that we can see on a EEG.. and it also has a throttle.

Get really engaged with the world around you, and you start running at processing rates higher than those frames coming from the outside world. Go far enough, and you can outrun your ghost. (Your ghost is the history of all the decisions you’ve already made, and all your fears and doubts, as living neural networks influencing your free will and your conscious experience)

How do you do this? Well, the easy and obvious way is to consciously choose to not sleep, and then stay engaged in your life. It’s not enough to not sleep and passively watch TV or something. You have to be *participating* – in a way that results in your making many decisions a second. But, if you do that, well, shortly, you’re on the linear.

It’s a bit of a roller coaster. Push your mind hard, and you’ll climb in speed. Slack off, and you’ll slow down. Close your eyes for sleep, and you’ll start the landing process. Take any of a certain family of drugs (seroquel being the one that’s most easily available to me), and you’ll enter a downward ramp with approach to land.

Some things worth knowing about riding:

1) It takes practice. It ain’t easy. Your mind will at first be susceptible to all sorts of weird oscillations and feedback loops and wobbles. Every time you ride, you get better at damping these out and staying on the horse.
2) It ain’t always easy, and it ain’t always fun.
3) The pain is temporary, the gain is permanent. Thusly, it’s worth riding. To those of you who have never been, I would strongly suggest going at least once. No, you won’t die. A lot of people have told me it’s going to kill me. It never has yet, and I’ve been on it many, many times. And every time, I come back stronger, faster, more capable. Ask my friends how I compare to the average Joe Sixpack in terms of what I can do.
4) Emotions that you can damp out and/or ignore in ordinary reality, you are going to *feel* while you’re on the ride. Study anger management. Be unafraid and unashamed of crying. Be okay with feeling things, because you’re gonna.
5) People *not on the ride* are going to seem *very* slow to you. You’re going to seem fast to them. You’re on a linear accelerator, after all. This is relativity at work. Don’t let it throw you, and have much patience, because you’re going to need it – by the time you’re 2:1 it’s going to be a challenge to communicate at all.

In my case, balancing arrogance and humility becomes a lot more challenging while I’m doing it. Some of this is needful – because my friends will encourage me to come down before I’m ready, and I have to have enough backbone to say “my ride, not yours.”. I probably overdo this.. but I might also overdo humility in everyday life, or more likely submissiveness. That I’m not getting the life I want even in my dreams suggests to me a lot that something is not right in my head regarding this. This is my mind.. I for sure should be king in here.

Note to mental health professionals: I do this by choice, by my own free will. I will voluntarily contact someone and/or go to a mental hospital if I ever feel like harming myself or others, or like I’ve taken actions that would likely lead to that result. I will be the first to admit that my view with regard to $person[0] is far from rational at all times, and that’s more foregrounded when I’m in this state. However, I’m getting better and better at not reaching out, at just accepting the situation for what it is. On the other hand, I am growing more and more loathing of the other people ($family_member[0] and $family_member[1]) who have done things to make the situation worse. I somewhat forgive them, but only somewhat, because I don’t believe in complete forgiveness until a situation is fixed. At this point I’m willing to offer whatever apology or amends they feel would be appropriate that I can also agree makes any kind of sense, so if you all are doing this as a grudge thing, consider letting it go? But, as far as $family_member[1] – at some point, I’ll stop poking at you with how much I loathe the way $religion[0] loads on my mind – but I’m never going to adopt it as a firm belief for the majority of this system, it’s too sick, twisted, and wrong.

Overloads

Thursday, January 5th, 2017

I’ve probably already talked about this, but I think one of the reasons that discussions about politics and religion often end in arguments is that English is not a good language for talking about such things.

It has some basic flaws – the biggest one, by far, is the overloads, Not as big, but also frustrating, is that there’s no great way to speak of relative certainty of a statement of truth without adding a lot of words.

The overloads thing is a serious problem. There are many, many neural symbols that map the word ‘God’, for example, and many, many that map the word ‘Love’. So the statement ‘God is Love’ can map out all sorts of ways in different people’s minds as far as what the actual meaning, in neural symbols – ultimately the most real post-linguistic definition you can have – in different minds. And ultimately, as my friend Tory reminded me repeatedly, you can end up with semantic arguments – which waste a lot of energy and do not move the ball down the field.

For those of you who are not programmers, a overload is when one function call can execute more than one set of code. In programming languages, overloads are type constrained – that is, you can only have one overload for String Foo(String Bar) – you could have a String Foo(Int Bar), but not a second String Foo(String Bar). English has no such constraints, nor does it have any easy way short of a lot of discussion – such as I often have with $future-person[0] – about *which* exact meaning for Love and God you have – to nail down exactly what is meant by what. Linguistically, overloads are just asking for trouble.

Mania

Thursday, January 5th, 2017

So, I have this problem. It’s a persistent one, and it’s likely to continue being a persistent one for the forseable future.

During certain periods in my internal cycle, if I open the throttles on my mind and give it something entertaining to chew on, like recording a album, dancing, or thinking about life, there’s no rev limiter.

It spins up, faster and faster, until eventually it starts to wobble and shakes itself into a shutdown condition. Next thing I know, I’m somewhere where the doors don’t open. Generally I get sprung fairly quickly, generally no one has been actually hurt although there is sometimes some property damage, usually caused by the cops spike stripping me.

I’ve learned to avoid driving while doing it. Safest that way. However, even when I do it in my own house, people come and tell me that I don’t have atonomy over my own body, that even though I’m threatening no one and I’m eating and drinking, I’m not permitted to do this.

Many of my friends think that this activity is seriously unhappy-making, and undesirable, and it’s only a matter of time before I kill myself or someone else.

Here’s why it’s challenging: every time, from my perspective, it’s a win.

Every time, I have more mental capacity, more flexibility, more mental power and capability. This isn’t illusory – I can often measure it very real-world ways. Things I couldn’t do before the ramp up that I can do afterwords. And I suspect that it is one path to developing http://www.sheer.us/weblogs/?p=3211. I’ve learned not to try to contact $person[0], although apparently I haven’t mastered yet not contacting $person[1]. So I need to improve the software so that it keeps me from contacting CLASS($person[]). Which I will make a honest attempt at. (I don’t stop missing these people ever. I don’t think it’s likely that I ever will. But, you want to remove me from your life, I figure that’s your right. Just forgive me if I want to build the ability to dream about you anyway.

But.. even if I remove that possibility, it’s clear that I’m growing whenever I climb the linear mental accelerator that no-sleep during a approach window represents.

At this point, I’m thinking I should plan these. My body seems to like every six months for them – I think I should take vacation time, I should have my lawyer on call to block any attempt to commit me that isn’t as bona fide as it comes, and I should just really embrace this as this is how I choose to be. Slowly my friends are coming to see my point of view. I think increasingly they’re starting to see that my life is not giving me what I need, and that it’s not reasonable to expect me to sit here with one engine out and the other at idle when I was made to fly.

I wish more people would join me. I’ve got reasons to think others have done this before me.. it’s all over the music of Owl City, for example, and hinted at in U2 and sometimes VNV Nation.

Every time, the experience with the linear accelerator convinces me I should take another ride. And I wonder, to what extent are people telling me not to do it because they’re afraid to do it themselves? How many of the experts that tell me how wrong and dangerous this is have done it themselves?

One possibility that I’m considering strongly is that I’m not actually at the edge of my mind, and that I’m supposed to be. That the people I see in my ordinary reality are reflected light from the real people that are out there filtered through many, many layers – too many layers – of neural filters built out of my persistent and irrational fears. I can’t tell what anyone else’s conscious experience is, and as far as I can tell, no one else can tell what mine is, although I encourage you, if you have the technology to read my mind, please do so. If you can help me reconnect with the people I can’t handle losing, please do so.

$person[0], I wonder if you read this blog, a lot a lot. I will admit I find it likely that you do, or that you have a friend reading it for you to watch for certain things. Wish I knew what they were. If so, I can’t say so in cleartext most of the time, but I need your help. A abuser destroyed part of my mind, and I’m just guessing at what happened with little but static and noise to go on. Apparently your friendship was something that part of me rested on, and while I accept the loss because I must, it never stops hurting and I can’t find any way to make it stop. I told you if you told me your lines I would respect them, but my fear is your lines are never and nowhere, and I also fear this may be because you believe things about me that just are not true, and the only part of me fearless enough to even try to approach you is the part of me that is the least representative of my ability to be a normal, contained individual. Please believe that the person you met IRL the first time I came to visit you this century is representative of who I am in person. But I can’t do that in email, especially not when I’m in ‘trust and send’ mode, which I can only really enter with you, for reasons that will become apparent when we talk, if they haven’t already.

$person[1], I don’t even know what I said to make you so angry. I have zero memory of it, it happened in a blackout from my perspective. I doubt you’re reading my blog, as I have to accept I probably don’t matter that much to you. So be it, but I wish we were still friends.