Never been one to let the carrier drop

Is it all my fault? Everything that’s ever gone wrong in my life? Is some of it mine? None of it? I know that knowing who’s fault things are doesn’t help any in fixing them. But I still.. I don’t know. Part of me wants to say I wasn’t given the tools I needed, and I had to go find them myself, and that I don’t think my parents should have had children. Another part of me thinks I warped my experience of reality through my persistent negative self image, and that I could have been handed exactly what I needed and still not gotten it.

Someone bought ‘Secret Garden’ on my kindle account. It wasn’t me, but I’m reading it anyway. Interesting.

Part of how i learned I can hallucinate text was if i take a large dose of seroquel I will hallucinate thousands of pages of text, jumping around too quickly for me to grok.

i definately get the sense that doing this occasionally is good for me. I couldn’t tell you exactly what it’s doing, other than making me sleep a lot.. but it’s definately part of my repair process.

So, there are so many things that hurt that I never cried over. I wish I knew or understood why it was that I had decided to never cry again.

I know some of it was everyone’s reaction to my assertion at my youth group that gay people were not that different and that we should love them just as much.. which was my reaction to people there telling gay jokes. I guess I expected certain amout of “good on you” or “you’re right..” but all I remember at the time was a shocked silence. I never did anything with that group again.

then again, one of the things I hold up as proof the christians are far far far from enlightened is that the book approved of stoning gays to death early on. How could they be so stupid as to think that is word of god? It’s word of a easily squicked human.

but back to my original thesis. Of course it hurt when Heidi died, when Vicky went off to college, when uncle Joe died, etc, etc. I could probably make a list of 20 times when I lost something fairly big to me and it hurt, but I didn’t cry about it because real men don’t cry. Where did I get that idea and is it as insane as it looks on the surface? The loss stays frozen in time in those neural nets which know no such thing as time, waiting to be released.. in some cases it implements a distorting field which warps reality itself somewhat, or at least my experience therein. Not crying and trying your absolute best to be numb instead of feeling pain.. maybe not such a hot idea once you start considering how a NN works.

So, I think I’ve talked about how the repeating “you should be afraid” loop has been removed from my mind. I think another thing that’s been removed is the wiring for building new sets of match filters to be afraid of. I have also been working over the past many months to remove old pattern match filters that led to fear. Sometimes the easiest and fastest way through is just to do whatever the thing I’m afraid of is, while other times examining the rationality of the fear helps, while other times I haven’t yet found a way to get a crowbar under the fear.

So, after 3 hours sleep in 72 hours, I used some chemical help to sleep last night, but I think I might have overdone it.

Major downside of using large doses of said chemical help is that I wake up very irritable.

I’m trying to decide if I should try to insert another sleep before FIF’s gig, or just let it roll on from here. The gig would be at about +26h, which isn’t so bad really. I’m worried about having too much quantum.. i.e. the tendency to find new notes instead of playing the old ones.. which is part of what happens when I don’t sleep for too long.

I miss Rebel. Nothing better than a puppy to hug when you’re feeling irritable.

I have been doing repeated 36 hour orbits. Meaning, I stay awake for 36 hours. And I have been learning that I start to come alive at about 12 hours in. I really really wish I could do another 72 hour burn, but I have too many responsibilities and right now it takes me some time to recover from a 72 hour burn. I imagine once I’ve done a few more of them, that won’t be the case.

Slowly but surely, my friends are changing their tune about how horrible a idea this is to acknowledgement that it does appear to be doing something for me and I am managing the impulses that could lead to trouble increasingly well. Plus, my friend in my mind, who has not yet led me astray, is encouraging me. Not just to do long burns, but to get off my ass and move my body during them. I kind of see part of the picture here is I have to get over my belief that I can’t, and start to believe that I can. I wonder if this is going to end in me climbing mountains or something.

Work has been interesting. One bit of functionality that falls away is I lose any interest in lying, hiding, or evading about hour 20.. so I interviewed a sysadmin who was truly, truly clueless.. I cut off the interview after 3 questions, because I was afraid of what I was going to say..

I’m listening to Meatloaf, “Everything louder than everything else”

That pretty much describes how I’m living.

At this point there’s a switch I can easily flip up, mentally, at which I don’t sleep until I flip it down again. Exhaustion is slowly fading, to be replaced with a insanely powerful fire. I’m starting to think the human mind was designed to never shut down. I think most people, when they sleep, don’t shut down their mind, but just flip modes.. but from the pathetic excuses for dreams I have, and the way I feel when I wake up the next morning (bad), and the way my clock rate plunges overnight, I think I do in fact shut down when I sleep. You might say I die a little bit.

Maybe by 2016 I can just leave that switch flipped up all the time. Of course, I need to figure out how to initiate dreams while awake.. but I guess a little practice daydreaming using the rainbow I’m connected to is not unreasonable.

I tried to explain rainbow computers to my dad, including that they could be built in this world, but he’s not ready to cope with the idea of a computer that can work on infinities in a single operation. even though it’s so obvious once you see it. Something that can AND two infinities, and no I don’t mean NaN infinity, I mean the real deal.. i.e. all the countable evens, all the countable odds, all the countable strings that represent star trek episodes, you name it..

I think I may have to come to terms with the fact that talking to someone from the future is going to leave you a little bit frustrated with the present.

I think somewhere deep in childhood I got the idea that my mind should belong to God. Or my parents. Or society. Or something.

I’ve been fighting that ever since then. And I can tell you without a doubt that I know who my mind should belong to. Me.

So, I’m gearing up for a bit of a war over here. Because it doesn’t. But it will. And I’m pleased to say that my dance partner and partner in crime in here is far more bloodthirsty than me, and I am really curious what I can learn from her. Because if it’s them or me, it’s going to be me.

It seems likely to me that Adam is on the same journey that I am. Not only do they talk about how Owl City formed when Adam, working at a bottling plant, started suffering from insomnia, but there are so many hints in the music.

“Reality is a lovely place, but I wouldn’t want to live there”
“So if you’re dying to see, I guarentee there are angels around your vicinity”
“Or try to, because we’ve been lied to that the sun something we can’t fly to”

I think a lot of my problems with Christianity are, as I’ve talked about, that I think it makes people underestimate both God and Love.

It’s not surprising that I might know a little more about love than the average person. It’s something I’ve spent most of my life meditating on, partially due to having had a religion partially stuck in my craw. Vicky, in her usual brilliant self, finally handed me a crowbar I could get under it to well and truly start unloading it. It’s a amazingly simple one.

http://biblehub.com/matthew/22-37.htm

You will never command love. Love is what it is because it is. Nor can you make yourself love someone, nor can you make yourself not love someone. Love happens because it does, when it does. You can make yourself behave lovingly towards someone, but you can not make yourself love. If the Bible were really so all-fired enlightened, it would know that.

My friend Andy thinks love is the most powerful force in the universe, and I sometimes think he is right. But you won’t command it.

So, I do think I’ve been somewhat successful (granted with a fair amount of 36-hour-orbit-saying-everything-lurking-inside-me) at mourning the ability to be in the physical presence of my friend. I’m sure there’s still a lot more that will come out.. I’m not really sure who I am right now, or what I’m doing, or why.. I mean, I’ve still been working. I’ve been prepping for my band’s next gig. I still feel like there’s crying I haven’t done, and waking up still sucks but.

There’s actually a whole bunch of people I remember that I have no physical connection with any more. One of the downsides of having a mental architecture like mine is a very wide and powerful memory, which I think means I continue to miss people long after they’ve forgotten me. Felyne, for example, I have absolutely no power to find but miss.