Never been one to let the carrier drop

No, I’m not feeling particularly cynical. I don’t know why I chose that as the word of the day, other than I like the sound of it.

Spalding Grey is apparently dead. I will go rent Swimming in memorium, I think.

The first time I saw anything by him, was with my friend Nicka in the basement of my parents’ house. Swimming to cambodia.. great monologue..

——————————————-

P.’s grandfather.. the one who used to fly P-38s – might have cancer. ;-( And one of the EVDL people has terminal lukemia. People are dropping like flies.

No mail yet today, so I don’t know if I got a check from How or not. Need. money. badly. It’s been months snce H. payed me. I mean literally.

In all fairness, it’s been months since d. paid him. They’ve got a new CTO, and apparently the resulting upheaval is doing bad things to them getting checks out the door on time

——————————————

well, i’m going to get to sleep now.. I’m slowly moving back toawrds a day schedule.. it will be dark out when I awaken. Very surrealistic.

What’s weirdest is when I get on the schedule where it’s dark all the time I’m awake.

I think that might lead to depression

——————————————

I was going to do a ‘5-year-retrospective-thoughts-on-weed’ little article, but I lack the energy. Perhaps tomorrow. 😉

Procrastination is something I’m way, way too good at. I really need to stop.

So I’m still awake, sleeping fitfully after a really good party experience. (Well, for me it had a bit of good and bad.. like most party experiences..)

I think I will give up weed again. This time for very different reasons than last time – not so much because I want a clear head, as it does strange things to me. I have this problem with fear even when I’m sober – I’ve been trained very well by our culture that I must fear everything – and when I’m stoned, that goes double or triple.

And, to be honest, I think these days I might enjoy parties more sober.

What led me to this thought was this experience.. a absolutely beautiful fire-dancer.. doing this amazing performance.. and all I could think about (and I know this is very silly) is oh my god they’re doing fire dancing in a partial-frame building with no fire extinguisher handy.

And of course she dropped it once into a pile of people’s coats, and I was visualizing all sorts of disasters (you read about people in clubs getting crushed to death running for the exists) but, duh, it’s seattle, people’s coats are going to be wet here. Nothing bad happened.

I also had a couple of awkward moments with a probably gay guy who was probably attracted to me – but showed me nothing but love and respect and it was actually rather nice in a way. Then I kept trying to decide, do I tell him I’m straight?

At one point he asked me if I was rolling.. and yes, I seriously think he thought I was. I think a lot of people think I am at parties.. just because I’m perpetually, in some sense.. I think the music keys the memories of what it was like to be out there.

Anyway, I stayed until well past dawn, which I haven’t done since california. I met a guy who wants to make psytrance, and got a CD from him. Haven’t played it yet, but he said he might be interested in jamming togeather. One can always hope.

The whole adventure was beautifully ES – the map point directions included lines like ‘drive through the erector set’.

Everyone I approached turned out to be friendly. I have got to get over my fear of people… I mean, if you’re afraid to tak to people at a party, there isn’t much hope for you and you should just cease being part of the human race..

I can never figure out.. I always see my DJ friend twice during these things. once when she gets there and once when she leaves.. and then she dissapears. It’s really odd.. how does she do that?

I am slowly learning that the Seattle party scene might be filled with a bunch of other people who are just as afraid of people as I am. (No, couldn’t be…?)

Maybe I’m not the only person isolating myself because I’m sociallyinept. Or maybe…

Slowly I am learning to tell the difference between the voices that are hallucinations, the voices that are actually in the music, and..

I saw the most beautiful thing. There was a dog there.. I think someone from portland brought it.. (him? her?) – and, naturally, being my paranoid self at first I thought it was a sniffer dog. (Heh! by the looks of things it would have gone out of its mind from the number of positives.. besides, can you seriously see a cop following directions that involve ‘drive past the lego factory’?) .. but then, I saw it dance.. this dog knew how to dance, and was dancing with this guy.. it was sooo cute..

(Not to mention, made me wonder how smart the dog was. I mean, it could have been coincidence that it was moving to the beat… um.. I guess.. )

The chill out room was playing some really gorgeous stuff.. long, drawn out chords.. lovely, lovely stuff. The ambiance reminded me amazingly of this party I did sound for ( poorly 😉 ) in SoCal.. grass on the floor, giant tent.. (Oh no! tent, candles, no fire extinguisher… SHUT UP!)

A lot of my fear of fire stems from a bad acid trip. I’ve only had one of those, but it was the mother of all bad acid trips. I took acid after not sleeping for several days. Don’t do that, kids. I must have tripped for a week, and I was completely out of my head most of that time. I don’t remember most of it, but the moments I do remember were filled with deolation, confusion, fear.. and several times things spontaneously bursting into flame. They didn’t really, of course.

And then I got off on the god/christian trip, and things got worse and worse. Chrstianity is, for me, a very negative thing. I understand that it’s positive for many people and I’m happy for them. But for me, it’s a detrimental virus. See elsewhere in this journal for more about that than you would ever want to know.

Anyway, I’m guessing at this point I’ve lost my readers.. which is okay with me, because I’m mostly writing this for myself. ANd to try and unwind a notch so I can get to sleep.. P. is probably going to come over and watch a movie or eat or something.. and I’m guessing that will probably happen earlier than I will like given that I haven’tbeen to sleep yet.

I do feel really content and at peace with the world.. amazingly so. I keep debating inviting P. to come back and live with me again. I mean, I obviously love her, or I wouldn’t think about her so much. It’s obvious she has failings but then, so do I, so do we all. At the very least, I could try it again and see if the problems that manafested themselves last time became more managable.

I guess part of the proof to me that I love her is that I’m willing to forgive her, over and over..

My problem with her isn’t that she gets angry, I’ve realized. It’s more how she handles/deals with that anger.

I know that I want her to come back but I also want to be able to respect myself. (And I would still like to first *talk* to someone else of the female gender who might be interested in me, just for some sort of sense of comparison. But to be honest, I don’t really see that happening. Especially not with this whole fear-people thing.)

That beat.. just gets in your head and doesn’t let go.

I brought a couple of copies of a recent jam session on CD, but then after listening to them in the car I was afraid to give them out because I could hear too many mistakes. I’m going to have to start recording me and Tory multitrack so I can remove those. I wonder if Tory would be interested in doing multitrack editing with me. I think it’d be easier with a friend.. among other things, I could ask him if he wanted things left in or cut out. I always feel really bad about removing another person’s notes, even if they are mistakes, because what if they aren’t? I mean, who am I to say what sounds good and what doesn’t?

But, I was listening to the CD in the car, and on the way home I landed on the perfect going-home music – this 17 minute track that was just absolutely beautiful. I don’t know what we were doing, but we must have been doing it right.

I’ve never (or not in a very long time) tried jamming with other musicians whilest I was not sober. I sort of wonder what it would be like. But I also think my fear of people, and of screwing up, might make it a less than pleasant experience. The closest thing is when I played while a friend of mine sang while altered..

Anyway, now that I’ve written a largish essay which LJ will probably eat, I’m going to hit submit in the hopes that it doesn’t get eaten.

The latest jam session with Tory had some _definate_ moments in it.. http://www.sheer.us/stuff/tory/ToryJam-30504.mp3

Check it out, all you broadband peeps..

You’re in touch with the world, and you have a very
strong opinion on things like politics and war.
Even if you do end up changing your image in
the future, most of us will still like you.

What band from the 80s are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

I’ve started seeing anti-democrat attack ads via bannter on the net already.

Joy.

I’ve covered my left eye in the hopes of getting some capacity back online on my right one. My parents used to make me do this when I was six, but I don’t think I’ve done it since then.

My work is going about as well as could be expected. Everything takes at least twice as long as I think it will, but I can certainly live with that. It’s a lot better than a hundred times as long.

My eyes are in general killing me. I’m stuck between two conflicting desires: 1) to have my eyes stop hurting and 2) to transition back to a normal day schedule. Today I woke up at 6p.

Definately not a normal schedule.

There’s nothing exciting to report in my life. At all. I mean, I can’t even remember the last time I did somethin genuinely fun. Must do something about this, just not sure what. Actually, I take that back. I can remember one genuinely fun thing, but it’s not the sort of thing one posts about, even in a journal.

[Well, _some_ people do..]

I miss P.

I think I’m going to go play some video games or something.

S.

I had the strangest dream last night. I was in my old apartment in virginia, and they had just sent someone to check me out to make sure I was in complience. There were fireworks outside, and a old building that looked like a grainery was burning down. The guy looked over the apartment, asked me a bunch of questions, and then wrote out a bill for $1200 for 60 minutes.

I got all angry at him for billing me a outrageous amount for what was basically a complience check to make sure I didn’t have explosives or flammibles or anything.

Weird dream.

I think a cat has left a dead mouse as a present for me.

I smelled what I first thought was just methane/leaking sewer/something similar when taking P. home from the Oscars.. [which I’ll get to in a minute ;-)]

Upon returning, I realized that I knew that smell, and it wasn’t methane.. it was developing that fine complex, ripe tinge that only a dead mammel can give.

So I got out the work light and searched around where it smelled the strongest. However, although I did see a cat running off when I first switched on the light, I was unable to find any dead mammels. So whatever it is, it’s small. Probably a mouse.

(Would never have thought a mouse could smell that much, though. You can literally smell it from the front of the house and a goodly ways away. At first I was afraid I would find a homeless person had crept in there and died or something.. okay, very silly thinkg to be afraid of, but you all know me..)

———————-

I enjoyed watching the Oscars. This is the closest I come to the superbowl mania that sweeps the nation – I try very hard not to miss the Oscars, and I prefer not to miss the state of the union address.

I remember last year I watched them in L.A. and then went to a club that was off the walk of stars. Now that was strange.. 😉

I’ll write more about my thoughts about it tomorrow.. I’m quite tired now and am going to sleep. 😉

My inner child is ten years old!

The adult world is pretty irrelevant to me. Whether
I’m off on my bicycle (or pony) exploring, lost
in a good book, or giggling with my best
friend, I live in a world apart, one full of
adventure and wonder and other stuff adults
don’t understand.

How Old is Your Inner Child?
brought to you by Quizilla

So I went down to watertown last night, smoked half a jay [yah, yah, I know, I know.. but it was a party day.. ] and danced to some wicked good old-school techno.

It always amazes me how much my view of the world is influenced by my perspective. Like, there was a guy at Watertown wearing a ‘europe is for homos (with hearts instead of Os)’ shirt, which said www.whitehouse.gov on the back. At first, I thought it was a gay-bashing thing.. but then I realized, this guy was not displaying any animosity towards anyone – and then my DJ friend tells me he’s from one of the local crews.. and I realized, no, Sheer.. it’s funny… and then I smiled, and he smiled, and everyone seemed friendlier.

Totally about perspective.

If you think someone won’t like you – or is making a statement against you [not that I’m gay, mind you, but gaybashing makes me extrordinarily uncomfortable nonetheless] – then your reactions to their perceived view of you means they probably won’t. And conversely.

Anyway, so I talked to a bunch of people last night – like four or five, and I even remember some of their names. It was cool, if a bit different – I got the phone number of a very cheap camera operator who may or may not be any good, we shall see..

As always, I’m juggling too many eggs..