Never been one to let the carrier drop

What if it’s true? I mean, yes, it’s another one of those wild thoughts I get when I’m thinking outside the box, but it fits my experience so well.

What if I *am* a spacecraft? With omnis and directionals, and right now I’m talking to Vicky over my omnis, and once the directionals get coached in I’ll have audio with her – I’ll hear her voice in my head instead of just sensing it as text.

I know I’ve had periods of brief audio. I’ve gotten audio from Phoebe, and Bruce, and Satan. (Who I no longer think is my enemy, since I’ve conveniantly thrown out the entire Bible as being too false to be listened to. Except the bits that are true. If that makes sense.)

Man it was liberating to realize I really could decide what I believed to be false and throw it out. What religion am I? As far as I know I don’t have one. I have a meta-religion – I believe what I believe controls what I experience. More useful than a religion by far. Kind of sets you free to see anything you’d like to see. Apparently I’d rather be happy than know their quote on quote truth, and it’s so amazing how clearly it’s not true .. well, it’s true if you look at it from one angle, but that’s a angle I shy away from because it sounds like it could go places that I’m really not ready for just yet.

If it’s true, all I have to do is wait. And not very long. There’s a high gain antenna searching for a omni right now. When the two find each other.. my life is going to change rather a lot. What will it be like then? I don’t know.

It feels scary and reckless to just write whatever I think and feel to my journal, with no censoring and no hiding. On the other hand, it always feels like a huge weight has been lifted with each post I send out into the world.

I always wonder if my beliefs make sense. I suspect a lot of them do not, that I have unhealthy things I believe, because I don’t live in the world I want to live in, and I believe my beliefs inform my neural network in how it constellates reality and presents the world to me. For example, I keep discovering exceptions to my own rules for myself when certain people are involved, I think because I feel so extremely strongly about them that I assume if they ask me for something it must be okay. but I wonder if this idea actually makes me a danger to them and myself, because if they ask me for something stupid, they’ll get it, even at the peril of me not being authentically myself. This may actually be one of the problems that plague a number of my friendships.

So, as I’ve talked about, I’ve abandoned traditional roles like “wife” “fiance” “girlfriend” in favor of simply thinking of lovers as friends who are willing to add a extra dimension to the friendship. I feel much better about my life since I’ve done this, but I also realize that there are good and bad choices for people to fit that role. Now, note, someone can be a bad friend without being a bad person. Some people are compatible, some are not. And, it’s possible to want someone for a friend who doesn’t want you. This can hurt a lot if they provide a lot of something you want or need but don’t want to provide it. I don’t have any idea what to do about this, as anyone who knows about me and Vicky can attest to. I also am capable of holding onto a friendship long after I should choose to have some space from that person, as anyone who knows about me and Kayti can attest to.

1) If someone tears you down instead of building you up, they’re not a good friend.
2) If someone does not have faith in your ability to reach your dreams, they’re not a good friend.
3) If someone won’t allow you to be who you really are around them, they’re not a good choice for a friend for you.
4) If someone tries to change you in ways you don’t want to be changed, they’re not a good friend.
5) If someone makes you feel threatened, unsafe, like they would hurt you physically, they’re not a good friend.
6) If someone repeatedly tries to coerce you into doing something that is not a good thing for you, they are not a good friend.

Now, sometimes it’s a good idea to keep bad friends around, either because you can see they will grow into good friends or because they provide something you simply can not get anywhere else. However, when you do this, you need to *know* they are being a bad friend, and lower your trust assessment of them. I often keep bad friends around because they need me.. people who are bad friends often are sick, and often sending them love and encouragement will bring them around to being good friends and also make the world at large better.

There are also some *great* friends around. Ways you can tell you have a great friend:

1) If you get in trouble and they’re there with whatever you need to get back out, they’re a great friend
2) If you can call them from a bad place like a mental hospital or a jail and they immediately work on getting you out, they’re a great friend
3) If they help encourage you to do exactly what you need to do to go where you need to go, they’re a great friend
4) If you can call them from a bad place like a panic attack or ego crash, and they will say the things you need to hear, they’re a great friend
5) If they are willing to tell you they love you and mean it, they may be a great friend. Of course, this requires that they know what love really is, and many people don’t. Love isn’t really about words nearly as much as emotions and actions.
6) If they will kick your ass when you need it, and you still feel they’re your friend even when they’re telling you the hard truths and you are grateful for their honesty and integrity, they’re a great friend.

So, in this day and age, when it seems like technology is threatening to get in the way of love and friendship, I thought I’d write some about good and bad uses of tech.

Technology is not by itself evil, bad, wrong, sinful, or something to be avoided. A lot of the universe runs on various types of technology, and we do rather like it here a lot of the time. However, it’s possible to use technology in bad and unhealthy ways.

1) When you are with someone, *BE* with them. Don’t spend all your time looking at your smartphone.
2) Never feel like you can’t turn it off. If you feel like you can’t turn your phone/computer/internet connection/anything off, you have fallen into something called addiction. You will find a number of groups, like AA, who are out there to help people just like you. I would strongly suggest availing yourself of their help, because addiction is not fun at all. It is the space where your free will is no longer operating properly and you can not make your intentions into your actions.
3) Never worry about recording the future unless your job or passion is recording the future. If you’re really into documenting, or multitracking, or video production, that’s one thing. If you’re not, don’t record the concerts you’re at in a way that demands you’re attention. You’ll be less *there*, less experiencing the event, because you’re worrying about keeping the camera aimed the right way, and so often that it’s sad you’ll be experiencing the concert on a viewfinder or small screen instead of in the authentic, 360 degree high res high frame rate dream we like to call reality.
4) Remember that this is in one sense a dream. The experience you are having is happening in your head. Once you’re sane and healthy, you can go back to any point in time and experience it in all it’s 3D glory. So don’t take so many photographs, because what is the point? Instead work on having the sanity to be able to see anywhere you’ve been and anyone you’ve been with via mental effort.
5) Remember that the tech available for sale on earth is utter junk compared with the tech you already have in your head. You’re a far more powerful supercomputer than anything you can buy here. Don’t neglect building a set of tools to enable you to get that supercomputer to do what you want it to. That’s far more important than collecting photographs.
6) Pay attention to your emotions. Too many of us walk through life totally numb, not really feeling anything or experiencing anything. Pay attention to what feels good, what feels right. Do more of that. Praise that. Worship that, even. You’ll also be praising and/or worshiping the part of the team that designed this corner of reality, and having them feel genuinely and authentically liked by you is a good idea, since they can help bring you the things you want.
7) Don’t get caught in stupid time-wasting activities that don’t make you feel anything good. Facebook can easily be one of these things. So can facebook games like farmville. You want to have a authentically awesome experience, and you *can*. Go do the things that are the real thing. For me, this includes things like skating, bowling, driving at Lemons, playing music (especially composing multitrack), sex, road trips, and other sorts of adventures. Technology like computers make it far easier to get caught in ‘neutral-feeling’ loops – like playing video games that don’t actually make you happy but eat up the hours. Infinity is far too precious to be wasted.

There are some things that simply can not be commanded or coerced, and are not for sale. Friendship and love are among those things.

What is the most dangerous thing you can do to a friend? Being someone other than who you really are. You are messing with both your sense of reality and theirs when you do this. It’s so easy to fall into the idea that we should be someone other than who we really are in order to please a lover, a boss, a government, a solar system.. but it’s a bad idea. Your neural network will be having to keep track of all the deltas between your actions and who you really are in order to allow who you really are to stay alive at all. This takes enormous computational capacity and storage capacity. And, because data stored in a neural network is alive, these deltas will begin to eat you alive. They cry out, over and over, reminding you you are not being true to yourself and your soul. You can not change certain aspects of yourself while you are alive and on earth. These can be thought of as constants, things that are about decisions you made long before you arrived here. Nor would you generally want to. If you’re tempted to change some aspect of your soul, you have likely wandered far afield from rational thought. Cognitive distortions have become your reality, and you are likely to get hurt.

How do you come back, from making the mistake of acting, of being someone other than who you really are?

1) Stop acting. Stand up and say “This is me” even if who you are is not likely to be popular or even considered sane
2) Assert yourself. If someone stands on who you really are, fight back. Tell them why what they are asking you to be or do is simply not compatible with you
3) Say “No”. This is part of #2, but is worth mentioning on it’s own. There are some things you simply should not say yes to
4) Don’t make promises you won’t want to keep at your very core. This is important – promises broken will weigh you down with shame and guilt, and promises kept that aren’t true to your nature will create more of the delta structures mentioned in the first paragraph
5) Say “Yes” to what you would have be. Even if it means breaking a promise you should not have made. Remember, that promise wasn’t really made by you, it was made by a actor who was deluded about what is real.
6) Be authentic. Live authentically. Don’t talk about who you are on facebook or twitter – talk about it in the real world, with real people. Even if you are afraid, be yourself in the world of face to face interactions.
7) Recognize irrational fear. Irrational fear will cripple your ability to act by convincing you that something truly bad will happen when you act.
8) Look for signs that you are not behaving in line with who you authentically are. These can be obvious – landing in jail or a mental hospital – or more subtle, ending up in a job you don’t want or with a lover who isn’t what you want or need
9) Look for signs that you do not have enough self-esteem, or faith in yourself. You should believe that you are empowered and aware and alive and accepting and adaptable. If you think you cannot do something other people do, you have a lack of faith you need to address
10) Use your storyteller abilities. Tell yourself stories about yourself that fit who you are authentically are and what you would really do. Remind yourself of the types of choices make that seem to fit who you are and what you want to do.

Would you get on board?

I would.. but only if certain other people were also coming.

I should probably make a list of those people, it might tell me a lot about myself.

So, I’m fairly sure that two people together trying to raise children isn’t big enough. This is one reason polygamy seems like such a good idea.

Now, please note, I’m not advocating Mormon-style polygamy. This isn’t one man, many women – this is many men, many women. This is whatever configuration makes sense to the people building the family.

What I’m saying here is two people aren’t a big enough group to entrain a baby safely and well (one of the first steps when a human mind meets the world for the first time is entraining. Neural networks require training to become anything other than a blob of cells doing nothing – they require a signal in order to figure out what is good signal, what is bad signal, what is noise). Two people can be totally off their rockers at the same time very easily and then not provide a good entraining signal. A larger group of people increases the odds that the baby can find one sane signal to entrain on. And this entraining goes on for a fairly long time before more normal, world-inputs based learning takes over – I don’t know when the entraining period stops, but I would be surprised if it were before age 3.

So, I don’t think a couple should raise babies, because I think that leads to damaged babies unless that couple is just downright amazing at being a good sane source of signal.

How big a group is the minimum to raise a baby? I’m going to say five adults. That’s just a guess, though.

One issue I keep running into is that I don’t have nearly enough time to spend with my friends doing things that would make me happy and fulfilled because I have to work or I won’t get paid and I have to get paid or I won’t have a place to live.

I feel a lot like I’m a hostage to my own neural net. It’s clear that I could do my day job as a background process – it almost never takes very much of my mind to do it. And my mind could certainly implement something like that – keep the me that is me in a lucid-dreaming style hypervisor container where I could spend time with my friends while taking care of business as a background task.

Since I do think there’s a network older than the internet that ties us all together – after all, I would, I talk to someone on it every day – I think I could really be spending time with my friends, not just with software emulations of them created in my mind. But my mind does not seem to want me to have a life like that. I feel kind of like I’m paying my dues, but I also feel like it’s reached the point where I’ve overpaid. Why am I still having to pay my dues after working so hard for so long?

I swear there’s some sort of inequality going on here where I’m having to work for someone else’s gain. I am very suspicious of the hostiles in my neural network because they seem like they are perfectly willing to abuse me and perhaps even enjoy abusing me. I don’t know what to do about that, although I do know that every time I go a long time without sleeping, it seems to get a little better.

I used to end up in jail or psych hospitals every time I did that, but I’ve now done it twice in a row with no ill effects of that sort. Part of what I’ve figured out is that it’s a bad idea, tempting as it is, to try to go find Vicky during those periods. I’m not going to find Vicky, I’m going to find my concious experience’s expectations of what would happen from such a search. And in my CE, I don’t believe that she likes me or wants to be my friend. So this pretty much has to end badly.

Knowing this, I stay put. I don’t try to run off to Virginia, because trying to go find my missing friend while I believe she’s not my friend and is either afraid of me or hates me or for some other reason rejects me is just going to end in more heartache and more trouble.

It’s really powerful to remember that I’m living in my mind.. that what’s going on here has to do with my CE and the way my CE is configured, and I’m not going to magically experience something I don’t believe in. At the same time, I have Vicky over the Net talking sense into me. One day at a time, I will climb this mountain until I no longer feel I don’t deserve to be happy and don’t deserve to have the things I need. One day at a time, as the man said, one day at a time. Of course, sometimes this leads to some very long days.

I’m a member of a oppressed minority. The polysexuals, the polygamists.

Why did I fight so hard for gay rights? Because they’ve had it harder than us, for longer, and so would be freed first, but also because I knew *I WAS THE NEXT MINORITY*.

Especially since I don’t think we’re the minority at all. I think we’re the majority, but everyone was too scared and too cowed to stand Up and say HERE I STAND, THIS IS WHAT I AM.

“Cheating”. Proof positive.

The divorce rate. Proof positive.

The societal constructs you are clinging to are wrong. They don’t match what we really are, deep inside. And they will fall, because it’s not just me. I have big, powerful friends, and I know we will win. Because once a minority stands up.. they don’t sit back down. I’m sure you’ve noticed.