Good and bad friends and lovers.
So, as I’ve talked about, I’ve abandoned traditional roles like “wife” “fiance” “girlfriend” in favor of simply thinking of lovers as friends who are willing to add a extra dimension to the friendship. I feel much better about my life since I’ve done this, but I also realize that there are good and bad choices for people to fit that role. Now, note, someone can be a bad friend without being a bad person. Some people are compatible, some are not. And, it’s possible to want someone for a friend who doesn’t want you. This can hurt a lot if they provide a lot of something you want or need but don’t want to provide it. I don’t have any idea what to do about this, as anyone who knows about me and Vicky can attest to. I also am capable of holding onto a friendship long after I should choose to have some space from that person, as anyone who knows about me and Kayti can attest to.
1) If someone tears you down instead of building you up, they’re not a good friend.
2) If someone does not have faith in your ability to reach your dreams, they’re not a good friend.
3) If someone won’t allow you to be who you really are around them, they’re not a good choice for a friend for you.
4) If someone tries to change you in ways you don’t want to be changed, they’re not a good friend.
5) If someone makes you feel threatened, unsafe, like they would hurt you physically, they’re not a good friend.
6) If someone repeatedly tries to coerce you into doing something that is not a good thing for you, they are not a good friend.
Now, sometimes it’s a good idea to keep bad friends around, either because you can see they will grow into good friends or because they provide something you simply can not get anywhere else. However, when you do this, you need to *know* they are being a bad friend, and lower your trust assessment of them. I often keep bad friends around because they need me.. people who are bad friends often are sick, and often sending them love and encouragement will bring them around to being good friends and also make the world at large better.
There are also some *great* friends around. Ways you can tell you have a great friend:
1) If you get in trouble and they’re there with whatever you need to get back out, they’re a great friend
2) If you can call them from a bad place like a mental hospital or a jail and they immediately work on getting you out, they’re a great friend
3) If they help encourage you to do exactly what you need to do to go where you need to go, they’re a great friend
4) If you can call them from a bad place like a panic attack or ego crash, and they will say the things you need to hear, they’re a great friend
5) If they are willing to tell you they love you and mean it, they may be a great friend. Of course, this requires that they know what love really is, and many people don’t. Love isn’t really about words nearly as much as emotions and actions.
6) If they will kick your ass when you need it, and you still feel they’re your friend even when they’re telling you the hard truths and you are grateful for their honesty and integrity, they’re a great friend.
January 6th, 2015 at 5:41 am
I generally don’t give up on people. What I do do is move them between trust circles. The inner circle requires a lot of awesome. The middle circle just requires that you not make me feel threatend. The outer circle is for people that I hope someday will grow up and stop hurting people around them and themselves for stupid reasons.
January 6th, 2015 at 5:43 am
By the way, if you’re female and I have no interest at all in exploring sex with you, you’re in the outer circle. If I say not right now, I’ve either got myself locked in another monogomous situation (jeez, why do I do this to myself?) or you’re in the middle circle. If you want it a lot, you’ll convince me you belong in the inner circle. What does this require? Mostly that you be your own beautiful person inside and not interested in adding more hurt and fear to a system that already has far too much.
January 6th, 2015 at 5:44 am
If this tells you that I’m a slut, you’re right. If this tells you that for me, sex is about trust, you’re very right.
January 6th, 2015 at 5:45 am
In fact I guess you could say that me wanting to touch you is also me wanting to trust you. I spend a lot of my time crossing my paws that people I already am in love with will get to the place where I could trust them that much.
January 6th, 2015 at 5:46 am
I can also tell you this. I will never buy sex from you and you should never try to buy it from me. Sex that happens that way is inauthentic in ways that make me sick. But I don’t think prostitution should be illegal. I just think it’s wrong.
January 6th, 2015 at 5:48 am
In case anyone wondered, this is why I’m deeply uncomfortable in strip clubs and avoid them whenever I can. Among other things, among friends, I don’t understand why nudity wouldn’t be freely given.. no matter who you are, I’m willing to send you images of me naked if you want them. I don’t have any reason not to. Nor do I think I “own” them – see my beliefs on intellectual property. They’re just very big numbers, and like all of infinity, they belong to all.
January 6th, 2015 at 9:39 am
2) If your dreams are such that you don’t actually have the ability to reach them, the person telling you this truth is a good friend, not a bad friend.