Never been one to let the carrier drop

Well.. I need to work, and I can’t.. I just can’t seem to concentrate. I still am having trouble finding words.. today’s most annoying one was ‘hex wrench’ which I searched and searched and searched for, and finally came up with ‘orange thing’.

Why do we use cars at all, given that so many people drive so irresponsably, either because tehy think it’s cool (i.e. most kids) or because they have ceased to be aware of the danger they weild (i.e. mr SUV driver)? Why do we accept a transit system that costs us so many?

(If I had been in a small car, I’d be dead. That simple. I left a voicemail for Mr. Yuppie telling him to sell his car which I’m sure won’t go over very well.. but hey.. I figure if anyone has earned the right to tell him off, it’s me.. he didn’t even apologize)

I want P. to come back. I’ve asked her to, and she’s in general stalled.. I’m sure from her perspective, it’s a odd question.. why would she leave someone who’s making her happy, to get back togeather with me? I can’t even defend it myself.. but I’d do almost anything..

*cries*

It’s just impossible.

I’m somewaht better now. Thank you,

What hurts the most is that P. is no longer in love with me.

That hurts more than my neck, for sure.

The temptation to just cease living is strong, especially after seeing her.

I mean, everything just seems so pointless..

who wants to live forever
when love must die

I was ready for almost anything.. but not this, I don’t think.

S.

After a trip to the ER and a CAT scan, I am pronounced not brain-damaged. I have a concussion, but nothing is broken and all will heal. My symtpoms are described as typical for the type of injury I sustained.

S.

just got back from the doctor – the prognosis is not good.

I definately have whiplash. I definately have a medium concussion. I have to go to the hospital tomorrow for a CAT scan, although there’s little they can do for most of the resulting potential damages.

yesterday, I had confusion, aphasia, and visual distortions. Today, no more visual problems, but still a little aphasia and difficulty finding words. SEems much better tho, so I have high hopes that tomorrow I’ll be fully operational.

My neck hurts.

I hate SUV drivers..

So, today Safeco stated that bluebook was a ‘inflated value’. Bluebook on this car is $3200, but a typical cost for a replacement car of this stripe is $5500.

I’ve decided I’m going to make Safeco pay replacement cost if I have to sue them (therefore making it a financially negative transaction for me) to get it. Hence, the war begins..

So I was rearended by a SUV @ 45mph today.

The van is still drivable, although the liftgate is rather thoroughly crumpled. My back hurts a little bit.. most of the dash popped out.

I hate SUVs.. any normal car could have stopped.. grr..

in other news, saw P. – didn’t go as badly as I thought. Miss her horribly still.

Not sure where any of this is going. Impressed at how things keep going wrong, though. My luck is definately shot.

I survived F.B. – I seem to have survived my post-party all-the-things-that-went-wrong depression. Now I have a bunch of work to do, and I’m sure I’ll survive that too. And I’ve gotten enough fluffy trance to hold me for several months, I think. 😉

P’s journal is all about me being more comfortable without her and can’t wait for J. to get back and..

I’m so sick of everything. F.B. was a success from a turnout standpoint, and lots of people had lots of fun, but no one bought CDs and many people weren’t even aware MC was a live act.. (it was awesome seeing so many people on the dance floor during our set tho).. then there was much panic with dissapearing belongings (some friends of mine had things stolen even ;-() – apparently we were visited by some asian gang or something.. and then the moment which convinced me that I’m not ready to do this again for a long time.. one of the spod crew comes up to me, and tells me there are rumors someone in the venue has a gun.

What do you even do? Eventually the Seattle P.D. showed up and squared everything away and the party rolled on (honestly, I don’t think I’ve ever been so glad to see a cop in my life..) and it turned out it was only a knife.. but still, could have just as easily been a gun. Could have been a semiauto and they could have started taking out ravers at random.. someone did post on the list, ‘so many ravers, so little ammo’…

I wanted to curl up in a little ball, and here’s this group of people looking to me for answers, for direction, and suddenly I’m aware of just how little about throwing these events I know. Sure, I can make the sound system and the lighting work well, but..

I just don’t know if I want that kind of responsability again. It’ll be a long while anyway.

And I’ve lost P., and nothing is right with the world..

There were some really intensely fun moments.. before the gangstas moved in at 4 am, we had vibe out the ying yang, the trance was great.. MC’s set was truly awful at first because of sound board issues, but once we got the tech stuff squared away, we were rocking the house. There were like 100 people on the dancefloor, people dancing everywhere, and we were what they were dancing to.

We sold like 20 CDs.. I had hoped for 50, but.. I don’t know. People are gonna do what they’re gonna do. Turnout was *huge* .. I think we might have had 450 people through there. We shut down at 6, right on schedule, and got the venue cleaned up well enough that the house seemed happy when we left..

Another bitch.. the HOUSE LEFT US ALONE! They promised they’d have a person there, and they didn’t.. we couldn’t lock doors, unlock doors, there was no one guarding the back office and we kept haivng to go back there adn kick people out and hear about how they were best friends with Bruce honest.. [maybe they were. I think Bruce will forgive me when he understands the position I was in.. ]

I don’t know. I can look at all the people who had a obviously great time and say it was a total success.. or I can look at all the things that went wrong.. (the decks kept skipping from the dancers, we had to relocate them during MC’s set.. it was just a zoo..) and say it was a total failure. Or somewhere in between.

And I’ve still lost P. in any case.

I feel rather dissillusioned about the whole thing.. about everything, really. The spods are here, which is nice, but.. nothing seems to matter.