Never been one to let the carrier drop

Just to make it clear – the point of the last message is that I’ve made enough people’s lives hell for the time being..

S.

This mobius loop has got to end.

Hence, I therefore call a halt. I will be with no one until I can honestly say that I am at peace with myself.

And I will dance.

When I finish figuring out exactly what I think of the experience that I had last night, I will then write a complete explanation – if, indeed, there is a complete explanation to be written.

In the meantime, let me just say that when I said that my life was flipped inside out last week, I was incorrect.

Now I know what it feels like to have your life flipped inside out.

It’s kind of a exhillerating experience, really.

Not at all scary.

Well, the implications are really scary. I haven’t yet truly figured out what I think of them. I’m having to re-evaluate a lot of what I thought I knew. It’s kind of scary to discover that you don’t really understand the world, I’ll admit. But, you know, I think I like this world better than the one I thought I lived in.

With that said, allow me to post my apologies to any of my friends who might be reading this who I might have a very good reason to apologize to. I recognize that my actions of the last few weeks have been.. well, not always well-considered. I hope that in the future I’ll be less difficult to have as a friend, and I would like to think that I won’t lose any of your friendship over this.

As for the other parts, well, maybe they’re already lost. In perspective, that’s all right. If they’re supposed to be there, they’ll come back. If they’re not, then it’s really better that I found out now.

What’s that saying about if you love something, set it free?

Watch this space for future updates including a short and abridged explanation of the past week’s events, a essay on PLUR and what it means to me [now], and updates on my current plans to relocate myself to SoCal and obtain employment there-here.

Had my first job interview to that end today. And consulting work appears to be lining itself up at my door, which is good.

S.

http://www.deep-la.com
http://hulagroove.com/marques_wyatt.html

Must read: Siddhartha by Herman Hesse

Despite the sketchiness of my last few journal entries [and, I admit, they sound sketch at best], I think everything is going to be all right. One way or another. In fact, at the moment, I’m feeling rather win/win about things in general.

Probebly has something to do with finally relaxing. As Jane points out, there are almost no decisions that don’t come with some kind of undo.

And I’m convinced that however things turn out – in SoCal, with P., etc – they will turn out all right.

So it’s with a much lighter heart that I embark upon this journey.

Okay, finished recording mp3 CDs. Tomorrow, sleep, clean out car, go.

I may have overstated my confusion a bit in the previous post. Or not. Scared, me?

Hell yeah.

S.

Well, this is it – if I can keep my heart from jumping out of my chest.

This is the part where we seperate the fantesy from the reality. This is where I press ‘play’, and find out if the dream is real or if I’ve gone completely, utterly mad.

Either way, it’ll be one hell of a ride.

About to burn 1400 miles across southern california.. dying dinosoars and cranked stereo, passing scenery and passing thoughts. Decision time, boy-o – you can roll the dice, or you can play it safe. You know the odds are miserable, but you know that if you win, it’s fuck-all big.

I don’t know what made me become aware of this huge gaping hole in my existance. No, that’s not true, I have a pretty good idea. But I’m not ready to talk about it yet. Maybe in a while. Maybe not ever. Maybe I’m about to get burned like no one has ever gotten burned before. Maybe I really am insane – betting my entire life on one fall of the dice.

Well, at least if I lose it won’t actually kill me.

This is the kind of thing you can’t really share with anyone – the true depth and bredth of insanity has to reside in my head alone, push my body alone to it’s utter limits. Conflicted. Play it safe, or grab for a dream? Do I even have any choice any more? I don’t really think I do. I think all choice left when I took the red pill.

I can’t shake the mental image of accelerating towards a brick wall. But I know, when the coin is in the air, what I’m hoping. There’s no doubt at all about that. The question is how to get there from here, with the least amount of people hurt.

If there’s a path from here to there at all – something I tend to be a little doubtful of.

Top of the world.

A thought:

in building the relationship with a lover, the challenge in the beginning stages is lighting the fire. Put too much fuel on, let it burn too hotly, and it will burn itself out, and take part of you with it more likely than not. Don’t put enough on, and it will never achive critical mass, and fail of it’s own accord.

You’ll know you’ve found something truly special when your instincts guide you correctly to throw just the right amount on – where everything comes out all right not because of your careful planning but despite it.

S.

Which Bowie Are You? by lucienne

a painter? me?