Never been one to let the carrier drop

it’s hard to rely on my good intentions
when my head’s full of things that i can’t mention
seems i usually get things right
but i can’t understand what i did last night

it’s hard to rely on my own good senses
when i miss so much that requires attention
have to laugh at myself sometimes
and i can see that i’m not blind

there’s little relief
give us reprieve
for all the things i’ve left behind
i’m positive that i’m not blind

i’m not afraid things won’t get better
but it feels like this has gone on forever
you have to cry with your own blue tears
have to laugh with your own good cheer

it’s hard to rely on my good intentions
when my head’s full of things that i can’t mention
seems i usually get things right
but i can’t understand what i did last night

there’s little relief
give us reprieve
imagining the world outside
i’m positive that i’m not blind

i can’t be hard on you
’cause you know i’ve been there too
learned a lot of things from you

but life gives little relief
give us reprieve
and when everyone is cold as ice
i clinch my fists and close my eyes
imagining the world outside
but i can see that i’m not blind

apparently today the liberals are driving msn:

http://slate.msn.com/?id=2072061

S.

[Does anyone have any idea what msn’s bias is? It seems very inconsistant..]

I have somehow crashed my body’s sleep schedule. I keep hoping it will reset, but at the moment, it doesn’t seem to be inclined to.

In other news..

The mainstream media reports the peace rally we attended in Seattle at 5k people. Indymedia reports it at 10k. My estimation was about 8k. It’s hard to tell.. but it’s obvious that a lot of people felt strongly enough about not going to war that they got out of their houses and marched.

One can only hope that there will continue to be more and more feeling.

It was interesting.. at times, I caught a little bit of a PLUR vibe, rave style. Which I guess is not that suprising, since the P stands for peace, and that’s what we were out there talking about.

Well, at least the mainstream media noticed us at all. Maybe when we get a hundred thousand people it’ll be a major news event.

Or maybe not.

I continue to be confused about where I want to be, what I want to do, etc, etc.

*) Call geico, get them to send proof of insurance for Sep 15
*) Finish keyword updates to evparts
*) Do order form upgrades to evparts
*) Find Joe’s paperwork
*) Call colo facility, fax them my paperwork and Joe’s
*) Call dynamic, explain what the holdup is on my IP addr shift, do
IP addr shift for reachmenow
*) Do DNS shift for brenda
*) Update qm to have a browse function
*) Charge scooter
*) Finish NTP install on scott’s servers
*) Install apache/resin on scott’s servers

since everyone else is doing the ‘random facts about me’ section, I thought I’d try and make up my own

*) I was born in Heidelburg, Germany, and grew up on the east coast, in New York and Northern Virginia
*) My favorite places in the world are southern California and Athens, Greece
*) My least favorite place in the world is nothern Virginia
*) I hold a deeper-than-logic conviction that I am not worthwhile. However, I still try to sell myself to the world. This leads to interesting and sometimes amusing contridictions
*) I spend a lot of my time meeting new people online. I have very few RL friends. It’s possible and even likely that I’m not good at meeting people RL – after all, my best conversation starter at a club recently was (to a guy wearing a Atari shirt) ‘8 bit computers rule’. He looked at me *very* strangely.
*) I play three instruments, and attempt to write music, and design and build electric vehicle subsystems.
*) Once I read most of the children’s section of a library in a summer
*) My favorite trance DJ is Paul Van Dyk
*) I have a tendancy to start projects before I’m finished with other ones, but I usually do finish what I start, eventually. Sometimes it can take several years, however.
*) I have been on 4 antidepressents, 2 anti-psychotics, and 1 ADD-‘fixer’ in my life. None of them had effects I liked.
*) My drug of choice is marajuana. I beleive strongly that it should be legalized, but am not exactly sure how it is spelled.
*) In general, my spelling is abysmal
*) I’ve hurt too many people. This is not intentional, and bothers me greatly.
*) I hate losing people, and ask almost everyone who I care about a lot to remember me.
*) I wish I was not human quite often

I probably should take another stab at that list when I’m not quite so depressed, methinks.

S.

How Emotional Are You?
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Strangely, I don’t feel balanced. I don’t know what I feel. I don’t feel like talking to anyone, going anywhere, doing anything, or indeed living.

I’ll get over it.

S.

For months, Greg E. and others have been telling me about the wonders of ‘trillian’, the multi-network IM client. I’ve steadfastly resisted using it, for no apparently good reason..

However, ICQ has been getting buggier and buggier. For a long time, I’ve had to close incoming messages as soon as they come in because if too many of them popped up at once, it’d take ICQ down with it. And more recently, the ‘uh-oh’ has developed a tendancy to do something strange to my sound driver, leaving me without sound. [Just a touch annoying]. Then there’s this whole click on a URL and watch every explorer window on the system crash, one at a time thing..

So finally, after a particularly hairy kaboom [that took about a hour’s work with it] I decided to take the plunge, and installed Trillian.

Wow. Software that works. Not only is trillian more visually appealing, it doesn’t seem to have any tendancy to crash my computer in any way. I can click on links with no fear, leave ten chat windows open, and it hasn’t bollxied up my sound card once.

Cool stuff.

I apologize for my lack of journal entries. I’ll try and be better in the future. 😉

I also apologize for the lack of quality in my last journal entry. Here’s my list of excuses:

1) I’m sick
2) I haven’t written a journal entry for so long I’ve forgotten how
3) I’m very upset by current world events
4) I’ve lost all my brain cells
5) I suck

S.

Look, I know I have a tendancy to oversimplify things. But it seems to me that it’s not particularly difficult to determine if a action has at it’s root peace or war, love or hate, unity or disunity, respect or disrespect.

I say this because one of my basic, core beleifs is that peace and love are desirable attributes, not just as long term goals but as short-term, day to day goals. I realize that I don’t always achive forwarding these goals (Sorry, lux) but I do make a effort.

There are people out there – a suprisingly large number of them – who seem disinterested in peace and love. Some just on a personal level, and some on a national-politik level. These are the people who lovingly caress their guns, looking forward to the day that they can again stand up and pull the trigger. These are the people who start flamewars on mailing lists, just because they can.

What I don’t get, and I know I’m oversimplifying this, is what motivates these people?

Some people get personal satisfaction out of war, I know, in the same way that I get personal satisfaction out of strategy games. It’s bigger and more fun if it’s real, they say..

Some people delude themselves into thinking that every war is about ‘national security’. Some of the ways they do this are downright creative.

And, some people just get off on hate.

I just don’t get why.

Could someone please explain this to me? Explain wanting to direct your anger towards another person, so I can truly get it? I joke about axing dubya, but I could never pull the trigger and all my friends know it. I can’t actually make myself feel the emotions that would lead to the death of another person.

I wonder if that’s part of army training. ‘You’ve got to be carefully taught’, as the song goes. Can you teach people to hate? I bet you can.

You are 62% geek

You are a geek. Good for you! Considering the endless complexity of the universe, as well as whatever discipline you happen to be most interested in, you’ll never be bored as long as you have a good book store, a net connection, and thousands of dollars worth of expensive equipment. Assuming you’re a technical geek, you’ll be able to afford it, too. If you’re not a technical geek, you’re geek enough to mate with a technical geek and thereby get the needed dough. Dating tip: Don’t date a geek of the same persuasion as you. You’ll constantly try to out-geek the other.

Take the Polygeek Quiz at Thudfactor.com

Sleep. Need sleep. 😉 [just got back from DefCon (yesterday) – vegas is a lot further from Seattle than SoCal ;-)]

S.