Archive for the ‘The Big Picture’ Category

Of course, one problem..

Monday, August 3rd, 2015

One problem that I see is that people like me – empathic, aggressively nonviolent, etc – are inherently going to avoid power. I don’t want power over other people, because I don’t want to hurt other people and I’m afraid that I might inadvertently do so especially given how much trouble I have understanding people who are driven by other forces. Who is going to seek power? People who are running very different software from me. In many cases, people who don’t care how much they hurt the people they have power over, or possibly even people who enjoy hurting other people. This is kind of scary but does explain the bizarre brokenness that is Earth.

Here we go again..

Wednesday, February 18th, 2015

I have once again put 127.0.0.1 www.facebook.com in /etc/hosts.

I do this every time facebook makes me more sad than happy. It’s been happening more and more frequently. I even found myself posting “what I mostly wish about social media is that it would go away”. The thing is, I’m not antisocial. I had a great time at corifornia, and hanging out with Sarah and Alex, and expect to have a good time at CABI’s pig party. What I apparently am is anti-social-media.

Maybe it’s all the religious posts, when religion is something I’m busy uninstalling. Maybe it’s the pro spanking your children posts, when I still can’t visualize someone hugging me without seeing them physically attack me. Maybe it’s all the republican posts, or the posts criticizing people for celebrating their love, or the “here’s how awful people are being” posts about AIDs and gay people. (I’d call that a religious post, or perhaps a ignorant post)

It’s harder and harder not to comment, not to raise to their bait. And I’ve lost too many friends already. How many are too many? Apparently one is too many. (Actually, in point of fact I think I’ve lost three that are still living). I want social media to go away, I want the news to go away, and then I’d like to take a crack at money. Once that’s gone, I think I’d like pair bonding as a way of life to go away, and then I think I would take a shot at religion. Human misery, suffering in general, yes, there’s a lot of things I’d like to go away.

Where’s my love train riding from coast to coast? McDonalds is selling love, but where is my random hug from a stranger? I have a few friends who have been sending me a lot of positive things lately and I really appriciate that, but I wish the number was much larger.

One of the reasons I am convinced I am not seeing reality, or not seeing all of it

Wednesday, January 28th, 2015

One of the reasons I am convinced I am not seeing reality, or not seeing all of it, is the signficant absence of a genre of fiction in both video and text. It would not be difficult to create a number of storylines not currently evident in the world I look out on, including stories where only good things happened, stories where neither side was evil or bad, stories where the experience was polymorphic, etc. And yet I do not see fiction of that type. I think Avatar would have been a great movie if they had cut the war scenes and instead continued examining the experiences the protaganist was having in his Avatar, even though there would have been no inherent conflict. But it seems like all plots on Earth revolve around the idea of conflict.

I am strongly considering the possibility that my mind is filtering out all possibilities that don’t involve fear and pain, and acting as a resonant filter on the possibilities that do. I am not sure why it is doing this, and it’s really a rather scary possibility – on the other hand, it seems to also not be dragging me through *too much* fear and pain, which I appriciate.

I very much get the feeling, especially in what I experience while I am dreaming, that there are a number of forces in play in my mind. One subset clearly wants me to experience all sorts of awesome. Another subset clearly wants me to experience pain, suffering, fear, anger, guilt, and shame. Another subset is less clear on what it is trying to drag me towards, but it seems to involve challenges.

A overview..

Friday, January 23rd, 2015

So, I thought it might be worth going over a few of the discoveries and postulates and thought patterns and what not that have led me to where I currently am, for those of you who haven’t been reading this and talking to me for years. For those of you who have, you may want to skip over this post, as there’s probably not going to be a lot new here.

As many of you know, about five years I set my mind world-readable. I invited anyone with the ability to read everything there is to read. Shortly thereafter I began having regular discussions with people I can’t see. Somewhat to my surprise, these people were *not* pushing me in the direction of mainstream religions all around the world, but instead wanted to offer me a introduction to how understanding the science of Earth could open the possibility of a amazing experience for me.

One of the first topics for discussion was the idea that our entire experience *is* information. While the universe may consist of mass and energy, our experience of it consists entirely of information. Everything we see, taste, touch, smell, hear, or otherwise experience (and there are senses beyond those 5 – both the network I am talking to my friends over, and a lot of less obvious ones like sensing acceleration, or sensing the position of your limbs) is information. If you’re a bytehead, you can look at it all as enormous numbers.. any experience you have, or want to have, can be found out there in raw infinity. Just like you can start at one and keep counting and eventually come to the number or pattern of bits that represents a MP3 of a song – or any digital encoding you care to name.. if you start searching infinity, you can find a set of information that represents a hug from a friend. Or even a infinite set that represents all hugs from friends.

So, most of us like to insist that this data is coming from a single monolithic reality – what we like to call “the real world”. Well, at least two separate things cast serious aspersions of doubt upon this idea. The first is in quantum mechanics, and I encourage anyone who hasn’t already done so to watch this video. The second is in neuroscience, or more correctly, in a understanding of what we are, from our best guesses and observations.

Now, as I’ve mentioned to many of my friends, various experiments I performed – some while I was actively trying to die, and others that just happened when I was a bit on the wild side, suggest strongly that we are hypervised. Dying before the owner or controller of the hypervisor wants you to is not really a option. However, that’s a subject for another series of posts. However, it’s worth mentioning that if we are hypervised, it is very likely by someone who wants us to be able to make meaningful experiments and observations, and so there is very likely virtualization that lets us accurately see, if only in a lies-to-children version, directly into the appliance that makes us what we are – the human mind.

And this is where the second argument against me experiencing “the real world” comes from. Our minds, scientists tell us, consist of 10^11 neurons. That’s well beyond what a high end desktop computer has for transistors – several orders of magnitude. And, those of you who play games like World of Warcraft can tell us, desktop computers can do a suprisingly good job of creating a convincing 3D experience of reality. Our minds, several orders of magnitude more powerful, can easily make up our experience of reality out of whole cloth, and in fact there is somewhat a case for them doing this at least somewhat while we are dreaming.

In addition, a neuron is not a transistor. It is a far more powerful device – comparisons can be drawn both to a op amp and a microcontroller. Also in addition, our minds use a far more efficient architecture than a modern computer – while most of the transistors in a modern computer only do one thing, during one active pathway, and the rest of the time are dead weight – neurons are often involved in many many different subnets and used for many many operations at once. In addition, while a modern computer has several bottlenecks that limit the flow of information, our minds allow parallel traffic between almost everything and almost everything else.

So, even if there is a “real world”, you will never ever know if you are seeing it. There’s no way to know. No way to know what the many many layers of neural network between your senses (‘the edge’, if you will) and your conscious experience (what I call “the ride”) are doing to the data streams. It’s unlikely that there *is* a single real world – there are very likely a number of entwined realities – and even if there was, you could never really know what it contained.

Now, why does all this matter? I mean, it’s a fun discussion for philosophers, but what impact does it have on people like you and me? Well, several different ones. The first one is, it becomes clear that the best way to experience a utopia (heaven, for you religios types) is to configure your neural network correctly. IN fact one of the first things I was taught once I started talking with people I can’t see is that the people in heaven and the people in hell inhabit the same physical space – the difference is in what’s happening in their minds. And in fact, as I’ve started studying both pushing my neural network with various exercises and deliberately and directly rewiring it I have seen a dramatic difference in my life in a number of ways. My dreams are getting better, I’ve experienced emotional states higher than drugs ever got me to, and I’ve experienced a general shifting more towards the experiences I would like to have of my emotional states.

One of the things I was astonished to discover, although in retrospect it is rather obvious, is that what you believe affects what you experience. I had thought our beliefs were built out of our experiences, but in fact it is a two-way street. Your beliefs control the neural wiring that filters out the data coming from whatever is out there (and unlike some of my friends I do not believe I am the whole universe, so clearly there is something and someones out there). We have far more data coming at us, all the time, than we can handle, so our beliefs form filters to help reduce the data stream to something we can handle. In addition our beliefs can directly translate one chunk of data to another, acting more like a CODEC layer than a filter, or amplify certian barely-present signals like a resonant filter will.

Another thing that I was astonished to discover is that my beliefs were all wrong for having a good experience. I suppose this isn’t that suprising.. I mean, you don’t end up being suicidal at age 10 from having good neural wiring. At this point I have no way of knowing how many of the negative and disturbing experiences I have had throughout my life were the results of my beliefs.. i.e. my neural wiring.. but I do know I have memories that I am fairly certain never happened. I still have to figure out what to do with them insofar as they are things I experienced and at times took damage from – at times tried to repress the emotions generated by, etc.

However, constantly being aware of the fact that my conscious experience is happening in my mind rather than in the “real world” is extrordinarily helpful. Among other things, it makes sense of some otherwise very nearly incomprehensible things that I experienced happening. One frustration I deal with is, rather like my discussions of money vs. value, I see a world out my eyes and wander around in a world where people are not discussing these things and don’t seem to realize they exist or that they are important. It seems to me that studying how neural networks behave, especially surrounding the questions of perception and generated reality, would be one of the most important branches of science. It seems to barely get a footnote, even though *all other scientific discoveries are having their results colored by the fact that the scientists themselves are neural networks and can not possibly get away from the fact that the experiments they are doing are, if not happening in their minds, at least having the results interpreted by their minds”

Anyway, I think that’s a good overview of where I’m at and how I got here. A few other things I’d like to mention in passing before closing this up. First of all, one of my major tasks to accomplish in order to reach my #1 goal is to remove all the inhibit wiring in my mind that is preventing me from being able to do lucid dreaming and dream control. There’s a particular set of experiences I want to have that I don’t seem likely to have on Earth, and beyond that, this gives me the holodeck. Who wouldn’t want the holodeck, especially knowing that it’s something they already own the hardware for and all they have to do is develop the software for it? I can’t fathom why everyone on earth who doesn’t already have it isn’t searching for the holodeck.

A second thing I’d like to mention is that because I can’t really know what’s outside my CE, I can’t really know what certain religions actually look like. From where I sit, most religions are bad things. They are collections of information that seem very unlikely to describe the actual higher powers that there are, seem very likely to obscure those higher powers through a series of very bad ideas, and through said bad ideas make direct communication with a higher power very difficult. They look to be self-replicating information – viruses – that in a number of ways disempower us and burn computing capacity we could better be using elsewhere. For a long time, I was very angry at Christianity for lodging in my mind and refusing to either compile and run or unload and get out of my way. At this point, with the help of my friends, I have been able to dislodge it and begin the process of deconverting. Anyone who can offer any support in the process of deconverting, especially places where the bible makes claims that are clearly absolutely false, please pass your strength along.

My life as a not-rock-star..

Sunday, December 26th, 2010

So, today I went to Best Buy to buy christmas presents.. Yes, I know I’m a little late, but the people I was buying for are away having Christmas with family and lovers and whatnot and so I wasn’t really able to give them their presents before Christmas anyway. But that’s not the point of this post.. which, I gather, is the first one I’ve posted for half a year. More on that later.

The point to this post is that Best Buy in Seattle has a little mini-guitar center inside. So I go in, and play with assorted keyboards, and participate in a brief impromptu jam session with some Best Buy employees, and this one guy is totally blown away by my chops on a AX-7 clone that has a synthesizer in it, and asks if I’m in a band. Well, no, I say.. but I’ve been in a few.

And this is where it gets a little weird for me. I’ve always thought of myself as strictly the bottom of the barrel garage band musician, but the most recent band I was in has a song that was downloaded a hundred thousand times this month. Granted, we didn’t make any money for any of those downloads, but still, a hundred thousand times.. that’s gotta be a bit more than a garage band. But.. I was once accused of having delusions of grandeur by someone who completely misunderstood my metaphor for talking about being a rock star. To be fair, I wasn’t myself, or even sane, at the time. But it does beg the question, when does one become one? A million downloads a month? Ten million? Or must I actually derive some revenue from it?

So far, HWGA2010 has made $7. The MC album has made.. I’m not sure. No one bothered to keep records. But I think it’s safe to say both of them have not even remotely approached their publishing cost, much less the cost in time to make them.

It’s a problem. The world has lots and lots and lots of good music. More than any one person could listen to in a lifetime, I’m pretty sure, although you’d have to ask a <sic>library scientist</sic> about that. So people will pay me to write medeocre java, but not – thus far – music that is getting increasingly on towards good. Still, it’s my creative outlet, and it gives me another language to speak to people in, one that’s sometimes better suited for expressing my emotions.

Which reminds me. I’ve become increasingly suspicious of english. I’ve written emails to people – and posted blog posts – that I don’t feel like capture me. I’ve written some that I hate, some that don’t sound like me to me, some that I recognize where I was coming from but no longer represent how I feel or what I think. I haven’t been blogging much because I’m not sure that the part of me that blogs and the part of me that walks around and does stuff is actually all that connected. Originally, my theory was that blogging was going to be good for me. Then I tried writing emails to a single, trusted friend (the designated /dev/null inbox has changed a few times) and I found that much more helpful both in terms of arranging my thoughts and in terms of feeling some human connection. That the people in question may have never read most of the emails wasn’t the point.. in fact, sometimes I found it more helpful to write the emails and then *not* send them. (I’ve stopped doing this after a few mortifying times that I out of habit or technical incompetence or misunderstanding of how my phone works when composing emails in offline mode actually ended up sending them anyway). Sometimes I even contemplate writing letters and then burning them.

All this is to say, I’ll blog new music, and shows, and occasional updates, but my deepest intermost thoughts are generally things the world can live without.. and in many cases, I’m happier not having them lurk in a database somewhere, because I can think that they are gone, forgotten, and possibly never to trouble me again.

Happy 2011, people. As of today, I’ve not been a addict for 8 months. 4 more and I can get a cake or something.

T