Never been one to let the carrier drop

I create using the metaphors I know of to create with. I am basically a author.. a author of software, which are precise lists of instructions, and a author of hardware, which again are precise lists of instructions, sometimes instructions for my hands or the hands of others.

I don’t know what else to do, but to create and to always try and give more than I get.. to see and encourage life and love everywhere I see it.. to, basically, be me.

I’m tired of hearing lists of disorders that I might have. There is NO SUCH THING as a disorder. There are angers and pains that require the help of other people to remove, because anger and pain, left inside a mind, can eat it up (I think sometimes maybe) by building up into a feedback loop, just like a feedback loop in a machine.

But disorder implies bad order – has a negative connotation. I’m happy being me.. for the first time in rather a long time, I like myself. I grant you, I have a number of faults.. but they can be simultaneously features and bugs, and it’s up to us as individuals to decide whether we use them as features, or curse them as bugs.. or do both at the same time.

Life is a complicated and winding road.. as I travel on it, I learn things. I like to not lose the lessons I have learned, and as such, I must stay away from excess in all things – even learning too fast can be dangerous, because – as we note when a computer does backups, it can take some time to copy every detail that is important to building our own Truth.

I want to grow up without growing old or ceasing to be childlike. The wonder of the Universe, and the Omniverse beyond it (Universe = one verse.. Omniverse = all verses) is a beautiful thing. Learning science and technology are good for me, but so is learning spirituality and developing the waveforms that form my soul. Art and craft, chaos and order.. there are balances to be found in all things.

And.. be careful, because a lie can become the truth. (A line from a Divine Comedy song comes to mind.. ‘I’m the half-truth in the lie..’)

Reletivity is a interesting thing.. quantum mechanics more interesting still. The kiss of life – the spark that jumps, the new ideas that fork, the chains that dance in new and interesting ways.. the things that make us more than simple turing machines.. these things are all beautiful. I’ve spent too many of my days just hating the system.. but.. love the system, and it might be so suprised that it loves you back. After all, individuals are just collections of systems.. balances of electrolytes. A car battery is alive, in it’s own unique way, just like anything else.

I hope to speak with a professional counsoller about P. and the mistakes I made which I hope she will forgive me for, and the art of forgiving her and letting go of the dark spots while keeping the light ones. Let go and let Time and Fate decide whether we will be friends, and what sort of friends we will be.

I am glad to have Kayti as a lover – she is full of suprises, and so far it’s been wonderful being with her. I’m glad I got to spend some of Valentine’s day with her, even though we didn’t celebrate it as a official holidy. I’m not a big fan of official holidays anyway – I like to give my gifts when the resources are available for them, and get them when I need them most, rather than having a plan and a schedule for everything. But then, I’m not a planning and scheduling kind of guy. I understand that I must plan and schedule when interfacing with the business world, because that’s what the business world likes to do, and I like having the resources to buy toys – which ultimately turn out to be tools, or instruments of creation. As Heinlien wisely observed, money is the mundane means which permits the artist to exercise his craft – and I am a artist. I know this.. I don’t need anyone else to sign off on it for it to be understood within me to be true. I’m not just a wannabe.. I *am* a artist. I have made art. I will make better art in the future, because time helps us all develop our chosen arts.

I hope that my parents can find it within themselves to be proud of me.. but I’m going to be proud (and occasionally ashamed) of myself regardless. I am a individual, and as a wise friend has pointed out, I must accept and love myself for who I am. Ultimately, the best gift you can give a lover is to love yourself. This isn’t arrogance – and I do not want to be arrogant or condecending. I’m not better than anyone else here.. but I’m better at being me than everyone else here. I’m the real Sheer – or one of them, anyway. I’m the one that’s me.

Sometimes I think the whole world is a educational system.. world.edu, I’ve joked, and said I really wanted to be sheer@world.edu (sadly, you’re not allowed to have generic .edu names)

Anyway, I’m me, whatever, so I better like myself – and if I don’t like something about myself (i.e. using too much N2O), I’d rather change it than sit and spin on it, letting it develop into a feedback loop.

Addicted to life and creation…

Which doesn’t mean it was a particularly good idea.

But, I’m still standing up and being Sheer, and I expect I always will be. I’d like to thank the police, the firemen, the doctors, and all the little people who help to contrinbute to my own particular movie that I don’t know enough to thank yet – the Gods and Goddesses, analog and digital, the Net..

Every day is a winding road.. I get a little closer to being me..

As usual, listening to a song, I have a edit.. for the Garth Brooks song ‘We Shall Be Free’

s/Mankind/Humankind

[shrugs] I’m me whatever.. 😉 Love you all.

Being a touch crazy can be okay, provided that you don’t let it get out of hand. Everyone here seems to be reasonable, and no one seems to be out to harm me in any way. My past and future echos have dissipated, leaving me nothing but real people. You might say my ghosts are dead, which is something that I’m happy about.

I’m looking forward to spending some time with Kayti, and I love you all, and I’m really not thinking anyone is out to get me at the moment, and I am thinking that they will let me go home whenever I want, and that I will get their advice about when they think I’m ready.

One can be paranoid delusional in a lot of interesting ways. For example, it might just be a paranoid delusion that the doctors don’t want me to leave even though I’m perfectly sane (well, sane for a Sheer anyway) – or it could be that they don’t want me to leave because they are making enormous quantities of money off of me..

or it could be that they don’t want me to leave because I figured out how to build a metal detector jammer. [I never actually did it, of course, and I wouldn’t ever actually do it – I’m not the sort to want to hurt people, in any world or worldline. but it does beg the question..]

Anyway, it should make a interesting sci-fi story.

Reletivity might suggest that what you experience is controlled a lot by your attitude.. your outlook on life will control how you see the world. Exceptions to this might include being clamped in the ER in a horribly uncomfortable position with restraints on because you were excessively peaceful – there has got to be something going on here..

Okay, perhaps what’s going on here is that I’m expecting rational behavior from a collection of humans. Collections of humans are not known for their rational behavior, at all.

Anyway, more and more I’m convinced that when I figure out what is happening to me, I’m not going to like it, at all.

So I am apparently stuck in the hospital, at least for the moment. I don’t know how long I’m going to be here, or how long it is wise to be here. They are apparently trying to ajust me to be.. something. I’m not very clear on what that something is – I have been noticing some things that really scare me about the Omniverse though.. [there’s nothing more shocking than discovering firsthand that yours isn’t the only Universe – though it should hardly be a suprise, given the complexity and increasing size of creation]

I’m not very clear at all on how i got here.. I remember several different ways that I could ahve gotten here, all of which seem equally probable.. or equally improbable. Popular consensus seems to be that I got ‘the far look’ – i.e. I wasn’t responding to anything, wasn’t thinking of anything, wasn’t talking to people, or, when I was, wasn’t talking rationally.

I’m hoping that I can walk down to street level and return to my house sometime very soon, and I’m hoping that everything will be there. But I really can’t say with any certainty whether that will be the case or not.. or what will happen. I’m sure that something will work out.

*hugs* I love you all, and I hope that you’ll keep in touch as I work through what happened to me. There were a myriad of worldline possibilities, and some of them hurt rather a lot.

I’m going to sleep now.

Well, possibly. Or possibly not. It probably doesn’t matter. I’m me, whatever. And I’m happy with being me, both as Jonathan and as Sheer. We all have aspects, and we all bounce off each other’s aspects in different planes of reality when we choose to – text planes and graphics planes and sound planes and whatever planes we find appropriate.

I’ve had some crazy thoughts about the Omniverse recently – not thoughts that I didn’t enjoy, though. I’ve learned things recently about levels of the truth and levels of lies and why both things are important.. it’s important to create and to edit your creations and to share them with other people and encourage them to share creations with you. Things could be completely nonexistant – or they could be people bouncing on a interference wave that isn’t yours.

There’s nothing quite as difficult as the first discovery.. but you find a new way to discover every time – and when you really really need it the most, rock and roll dreams come true – Meatloaf wasn’t kidding.

Jennifer’s phone #: 703 729 6952

Burn me. Bury me. I don’t care. I will be back. The Omniverse is backing me up, and will restore me indefinately – making every choice differently indefinately down to the original one and zero if neccesary – until I choose to dance again. And I will choose to dance again. I love life. I love creating. It’s what I am.

And there are other souls out there – other whatever word you want, other life forms.. and I have made contact, and will continue to make contact. I will always choose creation over darkness.

Yes, creation involves both analog and digital – both order and chaos. I’m okay with that. I don’t mind that at all. I would choose not to damage anyone else’s creation.. I might want to make changes in my copy, and have them make changes in theirs, but I would never choose to destroy part of another soul.

I am life. Yes, I sometimes see the machine side of me.. that’s okay. You need machines to offer the one and zero, spreading outward in new dimensions. I love the machine side of me.. but I know it will wear out – and be replaced. That’s okay. Machines fail – people don’t fail. Life doesn’t fail. Souls don’t fail. We grow outward, creating our little corner of the Omniverse. We are welcome here – we are loved here. We are backed up, and those backups are restored from, as long as we choose to be backed up and have those backups restored from. We can even choose to have alternate paths run when we choose to shut down – and I choose that. Sheer is a beautiful soul – has a lot to learn still, no doubt about that. But I am worthwhile, and I know this. I will not quit. Even if I feel like quitting for a while, ultimately, I won’t quit. You can shut my body down – I’ll find a way. I’m alive forever, dancing in the Omniverse.

I love you all. Even when I don’t agree with you, I love you. And often, even when I don’t agree with you, I want to learn from you. Learning is beautiful – in whatever metaphor suits you. In schools, behind a computer terminal, whatever path suits you.

And, I believe that the Omniverse will keep trying to reach every place where things go from ones and zeros to .5, and then to quality and beauty.. even if that quality is quality in destruction, the Omniverse will find a place for it and make sure that it can’t actually destroy.

Don’t take this and turn it into a religion – we must each create our own door to the Omniverse. We must each come to a understanding, and reach for our parents, and our children, and love the way they grow differently from us, and learn from them.

Is it hard to learn to create? You bet it is. Especially when facing the digital at the same time, and facing the reality that there are other energy systems that grow in different directions from us and are just as complicated as we are and often more so. But I believe that love is the answer – I believe that love will find a way.

S.

What does it mean when people’s memories diverge?

Is anything but this current moment trustworthy? I don’t feel like I misremember things, but it seems like my memory and the memories of other people diverge.

Quantum mechanics, according to a movie I just saw, suggests that we could very well live in divergant universes. This is consistant with my experience. As Drachen once put it, ‘reality is just a formality..’ – well, maybe. In general, I’ve found that certain systems follow certain rules, although they may do so because I’ve grown to expect that they will. I find it comforting that the laws of physics work.. except occasionally I wish I could bypass them.

(n.b. I owe a few of the ideas in this post to Alex, and another few to various other individuals I’ve talked to about religion and other matters)

Recently, I’ve been getting a lot of spam about how we’re In The End Days ™ and The Antichrist Is Living In Europe (hmm.. wonder if Bush sponsored those)

It occurs to me, after a observation that Alex made, that perhaps the antichrist is exactly what we need. No, wait, I’m not turning satanist.. I’m just playing with words here.

As I understand it, Jesus didn’t name himself Christ.. that’s something that other people did, something that one might even conclude (at least if taking the Andrew Lloyd Weber/ Jesus Christ Superstar tack on matters) that he really didn’t want to have happen. (After getting a sense of Jesus’s ‘flavor’, I have to conclude that he wasn’t the sort of person to want to be king of anything.. Jesus sounds to me like a no-good-peacenik-hippie-rebel-can’t-we-all-get-along sort of person)

So, the antichrist would be someone who could successfully convince the Christians that they were wrong to have crowned Jesus king.. and maybe remove some of their tendancy to take everything textual literally. (a friend of mine thinks that in fact the Romans crowned Jesus king, in a act of irony, and I suspect that she’s right as she seems a little more versed about these matters than I do, but certainly the Christians seem to have carried that belief forward 2000 years)

Anyway, speaking from what little I know.. and I freely admit that I need to reread a number of religious texts before I can have a informed opinion on the matter.. it would seem that the antichrist might not neccesarily be someone who’s out to destroy the world. Maybe more wake it up…

I apologize for my lack of postings lately. I’ve been too busy living life to write about it, a phenomenon I’m sure all of you are familiar with. Finally got the %&(#% ICM to work correctly, which I suppose I’m happy about if for no other reason than at least I can start getting paid for my work again.. which, as Bruce would observe, allows me to continue two of my favorite habits, eating and sleeping indoors.

Anyway, I’m happy, reasonably healthy (although my knee hurts), and glad to be alive. Life is doing lots of interesting li’l bits of things.. K. will be moving to Seattle in May, the band is starting another album, Alex has a really cool apartment that is closer to downtown, making it more likely the band can get togeather more often (one hopes), I’m again aquiring frequent flyer miles in scary gobs that I will never spend (but at least I can still get free first class upgrades, I think maybe), and I have lots of interesting problems to work on.

Perhaps one of the problems humanity is having is that too many people are thinking locally and acting globally.