Never been one to let the carrier drop

I hate being sick.

S.

I wish I could understand my repeated cravings for cigarettes. I haven’t smoked for a year (somewhere + or -) except for two cigs with Chris M. while I was in Socal, and now I keep having cravings every day. And they’re not craving-cravings, not body cravings, they’re more like intellectual cravings.. like my brain is sending me a text message saying ‘I want a cigarette’ and my lungs are sending one saying ‘Hell no!’.

I’m making a serious and determined attempt to debug myself. I can’t go on living this way. Something’s wrong, and that something has to change. I’m enlisting whatever professional help I can afford – I’ve gotten health insurance, and I’ve got a pretty good paying gig at least for now.. I’m trying medication, I’m trying shrinks, I’m trying counsolers, I’m trying NA, I’m trying WHATEVER it takes to get my life unsnarled to where it doesn’t hurt and stress me out to my limits all the time. I know many of you might say I should just grow my limits out further and find ways to reduce stress, but I don’t think so. I think there’s some solution that doesn’t push me so far and make me so unhappy and make me hurt other people so much and leave me so lost.

I have to figure out how to balance what I want, what I need, what the world wants, and what the world needs.

I apologize to my friends (particularly ) for dumping my problems and wants and confusion on you during this last episode. I understand that you all have lives too. I’m just *lost* – in four dimensions. At least.

—-

THE FINAL CUT

Through the fish-eyed lens of tear stained eyes,
I can barely define the shape of this moment in time,
And far from flying high in clear, blue skies,
I'm spiralling down to the hole in the ground where I hide.

If you negotiate the minefield in the drive,
And beat the dogs and cheat the cold electronic eyes,
And if you make it past the shotgun in the hall,
Dial the combination, open the priesthole,
And if I'm in I'll tell you what's behind the wall.

There's a kid who had a big hallucination:
Making love to girls in magazines.
He wonders if you're sleeping with your new-found faith.
Could anybody love him?
Or is it just a crazy dream?

And if I show you my dark side,
Will you still hold me tonight?
And if I open my heart to you,
And show you my weak side,
What would you do?
Would you sell your story to ROLLING STONE?
Would you take the children away
And leave me alone,
And smile in reassurance
As you whisper down the phone?
Would you send me packing?
Or would you take me home?

I seen a girl on a one-way corridor
Stealin’ down a wrong-way street
For all the world like an urban toreador
She had wheels on her feet – on her feet
Well the cars do the usual dances
Same old cruise and the curbside crawl
But the rollergirl – she’s takin’ chances
Just love to see her take them on

No fears, alone at night – she’s sailing through the crowd
In her ears the phones are tight and the music’s playin’ loud

Hallelujah – here she comes – Queen Roller Ball
Enchante – what can I say? Carry on
You know she used to have to wait around
She used to be the lonely one
But now that she been skatin’ around town
She’s the only one

No fears, alone at night – she’s sailing through the crowd
In her ears the phones are tight and the music’s playin’ loud

She gets rock n roll, from the rock n roll station
In a rock n roll dream
She’s making movies on location
She don’t know what it means
And the music make her wanna be the story
And the story was whatever was the song – what it was
Rollergirl – don’t worry
DJ play the movies – all night long

She tortures taxi drivers just for fun
She like to read their lips
Says: “Toro, toro, taxi – see ‘ya tomorrow my son – ”
She just let a big truck graze her hip
She got her own world in the city – yeah!
Ain’t that true – Lord I know –
She got her own world in the city
The city’s bein’ so… rude to her

Slippin’ and a-slidin’
Yeah, life’s a roller ball
Slippin’ and a-slidin’
Skateaway – that’s all
Skateaway
Shala shalay, hey hey, skateaway
She’s singin’ shala shalay, hey hey
Skateaway

I'm tired of the stories that you always tell
Shakespeare couldn't tell a story that well
You're the largest liar that was ever created
You and Pinnocio are probably related
That's a Lie....Hey, that's me playing harmonica
You're a liar...Yeah, and I wrote this song too
Lie, Lie, Lie, That's a Lie...Really I did, LL Cool Jay was over my house
You're a liar...He heard me humming it.  He said "Hey, that sounds good!"
You lie about the things you've lied about
You even lied to your aunt when you went down South
You lied and a bodybuilder kicked your butt
If you was in Egypt, you'd lie to King Tut
That's a Lie...Just one glass of wine with dinner, officer
You're a liar...Ahh, L.A., what a great place
Lie, Lie, Lie, That's a Lie...No mom, I'm not on drugs
You're a liar....Of course I love you
My father said now son never tattle, never lie
But I think he should have followed some of his own advice,
I thought I'd own the world when I turned 21
Well, that's the last line 'cause now the song is done
That's a Lie...Overbudget? Us??!
You're a liar...Hey, we should have lunch!
Lie, Lie, Lie, That's a Lie...It won't hurt, believe me
You're a liar...I won't cum in your mouth
That's a Lie, Lie, Lie, Lie, Lie, Lie, Lie!
Lie, Lie, Lie, Lie, Lie, Lie, Lie!
Lie, Lie, Lie, Lie, Lie, Lie, Lie!
Lie, Lie, Lie, Lie, Lie, Lie, Lie!
That's a Lie.......

I’m in northern virginia.

I don’t have a lot to say right now, but for any who were concerned, I think I’m still heading towards better rather than worse.

So, as Google continues to take over my world.. [actually, as some of you know, I sometimes think we’re running inside a virtual universe. If so, it may turn out that the joke is on us and we’re all running on Google’s hardware ;-)] I’ve gotten a Samsung Moment with Android. So far, it’s far more cool than buggy.. I’ve had one application crash, and it’s got one really annoying feature.. like so many of sprint’s phones, you can’t remove the really annoying applications that they ship with (like NFL live) and if you’re not careful, you’ll end up buying premium Sprint content because you looked at the phone funny.

I’d say the biggest plus with the phone so far is the web integration, which is flawless. I can key in events on Google Calander, add contacts to Gmail, receive voicemail with Google Voice.. and they all instantly show up on the phone. The multitasking seems to work, the battery life seems good, I can log into every IM network known to man, SSH, post youtube videos directly from my phone.. in general, so far, I like it.

Okay, so, last sunday, Vanessa and Matt [names not changed to protect the innocent] *failed* to blow by me at Mach 3. Finally, I have the speed.. now I just need the endurance.

Actually, I learned a somewhat painful lesson.. I always thought that my weaving and skating extremely quickly was what would get me or one of the half-height skaters hurt.. but in fact, I ended up falling on one because I was skating slowly, conversing with someone, and not paying enough attention to the people in front of me.. I still haven’t quite figured out how she managed to do what she did, but it was a little like being tackled from the side, and then I was on top of her, supporting myself on my wrists and knees. She didn’t seem hurt.. I think I would have felt guilty for weeks if she actually had been. I outmassed her by 100 lbs easily.. I’m just glad I didn’t land *on* her, or end up with one of the hands I put down landing on her, they would have been carrying her off the floor..

Skate at your own risk. Mental note to self: do not *ever* stop paying attention when there are 6 year olds on the floor.

Satan [Cmin 124bpm]

There has to be some explanation

For why you rose, or why you fell

For those who claim it isn’t relative

Consider that for a masochist, heaven is hell

And while I look all around me

and see a dark planet torn apart

another might see in perfect beauty

a mighty, tragic work of art

I don’t know why the mighty flee

to chase their childlike misery

I don’t know why the mighty fall

Indeed, I’m not clear on why they rise at all

–Chorus

We tell so many different stories

Perhaps somewhere all of them are true

Every man who ever wrote a religion

Can read about his mistakes in you

Satan, you genius, you recursed yourself

Went to hell in perfect health

God never guessed, never knew

That his second in command was God too

—

So leaders, beware your followers

Sometimes the sheep the shepherd have led

Every person is a ticking time bomb

There are some things better left unsaid

I find it’s safer to just keep still

And pray to God God never notices his own repair bill

[Chorus]

Give me a job with the least responsibility

Give me a task which will never end

Give me chains, but give me the key

Give me the world inside of me

=====================

So, there’s a discussion on facebook about miracles,and about which religion one would pick based on miracles. Discussing religion is a time-honored tradition..at least, I assume that people have been doing it prior to this internet thing.. and I’m sure this is a topic that has come up before. Of course, most of the miracles that we’ve seen lately, we’ve built ourselves. [with the possible exception of a planet full of people displaying free will, which is perhaps the biggest miracle of all]

Perhaps God has grown apprehensive about communications with humans. I know I have.