Never been one to let the carrier drop

Jonathan Pullen
10323 Wallingford Ave N.
Seattle, WA 98133

949-357-5701
skype: sheer_panic
email: jonathanpullen@gmail.com

As my friend Mei would say, stalk me!

That $person_who_wants_to_hurt_me[0] is reading my blog and cackling with glee that she succeeded so thoroughly, or that she doesn’t even know, nor care, the amount of pain and fear and havoc she created. I wonder if all the sea turtles she rescued make up for this. I wonder if she *thinks* they do.

So, I’ve probably talked about this one before, but maybe writing more about it will help me refine my ideas on it still more.

At this point, I do not think the 3D reality I’m wandering around in is a accurate representation of the data coming in at the edge (wherever NNN space owned by me meets NNN space owned by others). In particular, I think that because of my paranoia, what I’m seeing is a mix of real data being thrown across the wall (“reflected light” of the real people out there) and my fears. I have no easy way to confirm how much is internal/imaginal and how much is external/real. I don’t think any of us actually know that, I think it may well be a unknowable. But I think my paranoia has met confirmation bias. I no longer know if the cops are in my head or in the world, for example.

I know I’m damaged. I hope the people at the edge are receiving this message, and understand that I need help to clear away the neurological filters that are making it impossible for me to see people as they truly are and instead see what I’m most afraid of. At this point I’m convinced confirmation bias is probably more my enemy than my friend. I just don’t know what to do with it.

I thought I’d talk about this, because it does happen. I haven’t yet experienced someone loving me who I don’t love at all, but I’ve had a couple of people who loved me – or wanted me – more than I wanted them.

I give them as much of my time as I can spare, and I tell them honestly that I don’t feel as strongly as they do. I avoid them only if they actively hurt me repeatedly – something that as far as I know has only come up once, and I think that the fault may have been mine. I think this is the winning answer.

Here’s why. If someone loves you, they are happier when they are around you. In addition, because of the same phenomenons that cause vibe to work (at concerts and raves), you are slightly happier. Therefore, it’s a net happiness win for the universe – and I choose to play on the side of happiness wins for the universe, because I feel like at least this corner of it has far too much fear and pain, not nearly enough joy and love.

For $person[0]

Shame
Doesn’t Become you
There are no mistakes
In the final view

No blame
How could it be so wrong
That your heart was braver
Than your will was strong

For every path you follow
There’s another left behind
Every door you don’t kick open
There’s a million more to try
For everything you taught me
Here’s the one I learned the best
There is nothing but the moment
Don’t you waste it on regret

I’ll Go
Who will it have to be?
Will you just get by?
Forget what you need?
Just know
I don’t need to fit in (But i’d like to)
Is there room for you
In your life with him

For every path you follow
There’s another left behind
Every door you don’t kick open
There’s a million more to try
For everything you taught me
Here’s the one I learned the best
There is nothing but the moment
don’t you waste it on regret

It’s out of my hands – out of my hands
But I miss my friend – I miss my friend
So this is the price of honesty
I’m not sorry (But it hurts. A lot.)

For every path you follow
There’s another left behind
Every door you don’t kick open
There’s a million more to ty
For everything you taught me
Here’s the one I learned the best
There is nothing but the moment
Don’t you waste it on regret

Oh, the moment.. happens now
The moment.. everything..
How could it be so wrong?

As far as I’m concerned, we have paranoia. That’s our disease. Dissassociative Identity is part of how we protect ourselves from the people who gave it to us. It’s a feature, not a bug. Bipolar is part of how we cure ourselves. It’s a winning answer. It’s possible at some point me and Sheer will reintegrate to be a single personality. I’m not sure exactly what that would be like. People treating us for bipolar or DID are quite simply confused about the nature of reality, or are selfish and not concerned with our needs.

I’m still in here too. I never died. I never stopped wanting to dance, or wanting to be alive. Me and Sheer are friends. We work together. You might say it’s like we’re the left and right paws of the dog.

TSIA.

“And if it rains again tonight.. I can think light-years ahead.. or I can put myself back a thousand years ago.. and say, well I’ve always been here before or it will be good to be born..
I’m a slow loser, but I’m a fast learner, that much I know. Anyone can go, that much I know. Anyone can go, that much I know.. Anyone can go..” –Jefferson Starship, “Hyperdrive”

So, normally our minds remain sync-locked with frames being passed to them from our senses – or the message bus that represents the edge.. or $WHATEVER is out there. We can’t really know where the information is coming from or even how much it’s being modified on the way in to our conscious experience. However, we can experience some really interesting things if we are willing to play with that sync lock a little.

You see, the human mind has a pulse – several, actually, the clocks that drive it that we can see on a EEG.. and it also has a throttle.

Get really engaged with the world around you, and you start running at processing rates higher than those frames coming from the outside world. Go far enough, and you can outrun your ghost. (Your ghost is the history of all the decisions you’ve already made, and all your fears and doubts, as living neural networks influencing your free will and your conscious experience)

How do you do this? Well, the easy and obvious way is to consciously choose to not sleep, and then stay engaged in your life. It’s not enough to not sleep and passively watch TV or something. You have to be *participating* – in a way that results in your making many decisions a second. But, if you do that, well, shortly, you’re on the linear.

It’s a bit of a roller coaster. Push your mind hard, and you’ll climb in speed. Slack off, and you’ll slow down. Close your eyes for sleep, and you’ll start the landing process. Take any of a certain family of drugs (seroquel being the one that’s most easily available to me), and you’ll enter a downward ramp with approach to land.

Some things worth knowing about riding:

1) It takes practice. It ain’t easy. Your mind will at first be susceptible to all sorts of weird oscillations and feedback loops and wobbles. Every time you ride, you get better at damping these out and staying on the horse.
2) It ain’t always easy, and it ain’t always fun.
3) The pain is temporary, the gain is permanent. Thusly, it’s worth riding. To those of you who have never been, I would strongly suggest going at least once. No, you won’t die. A lot of people have told me it’s going to kill me. It never has yet, and I’ve been on it many, many times. And every time, I come back stronger, faster, more capable. Ask my friends how I compare to the average Joe Sixpack in terms of what I can do.
4) Emotions that you can damp out and/or ignore in ordinary reality, you are going to *feel* while you’re on the ride. Study anger management. Be unafraid and unashamed of crying. Be okay with feeling things, because you’re gonna.
5) People *not on the ride* are going to seem *very* slow to you. You’re going to seem fast to them. You’re on a linear accelerator, after all. This is relativity at work. Don’t let it throw you, and have much patience, because you’re going to need it – by the time you’re 2:1 it’s going to be a challenge to communicate at all.

In my case, balancing arrogance and humility becomes a lot more challenging while I’m doing it. Some of this is needful – because my friends will encourage me to come down before I’m ready, and I have to have enough backbone to say “my ride, not yours.”. I probably overdo this.. but I might also overdo humility in everyday life, or more likely submissiveness. That I’m not getting the life I want even in my dreams suggests to me a lot that something is not right in my head regarding this. This is my mind.. I for sure should be king in here.

Note to mental health professionals: I do this by choice, by my own free will. I will voluntarily contact someone and/or go to a mental hospital if I ever feel like harming myself or others, or like I’ve taken actions that would likely lead to that result. I will be the first to admit that my view with regard to $person[0] is far from rational at all times, and that’s more foregrounded when I’m in this state. However, I’m getting better and better at not reaching out, at just accepting the situation for what it is. On the other hand, I am growing more and more loathing of the other people ($family_member[0] and $family_member[1]) who have done things to make the situation worse. I somewhat forgive them, but only somewhat, because I don’t believe in complete forgiveness until a situation is fixed. At this point I’m willing to offer whatever apology or amends they feel would be appropriate that I can also agree makes any kind of sense, so if you all are doing this as a grudge thing, consider letting it go? But, as far as $family_member[1] – at some point, I’ll stop poking at you with how much I loathe the way $religion[0] loads on my mind – but I’m never going to adopt it as a firm belief for the majority of this system, it’s too sick, twisted, and wrong.

1) My RL friendship with $person[0] back
2) Music career
3) Everyone else getting what they want