Victory not Vengeance, anger, etc
So, I have a fair amount of anger lurking in my CNS. This is natural, since I’ve been hurt, repeatedly, a lot. A long long time ago, I’m fairly sure before anyone reading this journal besides my parents even knew me. But I don’t want to hurt people. Sometimes it’s really hard to behave well when I’m angry.. I find hurtful things slip out even when I’m trying to not say anything hurtful. I said something really mean to Brett because I felt like he was minimizing my experience. I apologized, and he seemed to accept my apology, but I wish that didn’t happen. I think probably I need to find some way that doesn’t hurt anyone to release my anger. There are times I want to beat the fuck out of a foam dummy or something. I’ve seriously been thinking of returning to martial arts, just so I have some way to release my anger that doesn’t hurt anyone.
I’ve decided I am a big believer in victory, not vengeance. I know that internally I am going to have to fight some wars with some subnets, that’s been talked about before. But I don’t want to be hurting them to hurt them, even though they might have hurt me to hurt me. I must remember that the idea is victory, not vengeance, and also the immortal words of Sun Tzu.. whenever possible, leave room for your enemy to become your friend.