friends with benefits
So, even though i think polygamy should be legal, and even though i entertained thoughts of being a third in a certain marriage, i have to acknowledge the truth.
it’s not safe for me to be someone’s boyfriend, fiance, or marriage partner.
my neural network entrainment concerning romantic relationships came from a sick and abusive situation. The only mental model I can safely use, and i learned this does work wwwonderfully, is friend.
friend who’s open to expressing friendship sexually.
i can be in love with my friends. Am with many. I can love my friends. Works out fine. i can think of my friends as lovers. Quite nice.
as soon as i try to turn it into a romantic relationship using the shit software provided by my parents, pain fear loss bad is going to ensue.
if you’re a friend i’m sexing, and you get slammed by being in love with someone else, i’m instafriends with him and happy for you. If we’re in a romantic relationship pain’s gonna happen.
know this from experimenting.
i am so much more safe and rational around friend-lovers. I can still be super loving and leave love notes and write fantasy emails and get little presents .. and be happy. And be okay when it ends. And be okay if it never does end. It’s always worth it for itself right now.
my parents gave me crappy software. Not their fault, they got crappy software from their parents, and so on ad infinitim. But i will not live that way. It doesn’t work for me. I’m glad for all of you it does work for. But don’t try to tell me this is sin, because i know what sin is. All that pain and brokenness whenever i try a traditional relationship. That’s sin. That’s missing the mark.