So, I don’t really know who did what. There’s no way to know. For all I know, I did all this to myself. If you all want it to be my fault, that’s fine with me. I just want it to stop hurting, and want shrinks to stop fixing me-for-other-people at the cost of hurting me-for-me, which is real popular.

$person, it’s not like you’d suddenly start talking to me if I was 100% complient. So I’m not even going to try. I’m going to try, instead, to scale my psych meds to give me the best system performance, and to give me manias timed for when I can take vacation time from my day job, and to make sure I lock out access from the internet and go far away from cars and the like. Basically, make them safe for the rest of the world.

In other words, fuck y’all, I’m living for me. You all want me to live for you instead, you’re going to have to convince me there’s a reason to want to.

4 Responses to “Blame”

  1. bunne Says:

    Please erase me from the “live for me” column. : )

  2. Alderin Says:

    I believe that everyone needs to balance their “live-for-me” with “live-for-others”, but this is reasonable and logical. Without others, we could do very few of the technological things we like to do. I have to recognize this even in my “Hermit” seasons (the most recent of which nearly got me fired because I didn’t balance it right).

    The thing is, “balance” doesn’t necessarily mean a flat line. I think of it like “sea level”. The actual level of the ocean at the shore rises and falls, and has sometimes large and sometimes small deltas around the balance of sea level. This could be a high tide for you (or “low tide”, whichever feels better), and that’s fine.

    Live for you. Live for others when doing so is also (logically, rationally) living for you…

    Binary: Set the “live for you” bit, and keep that locked as set. Set the “live for others” bit when you feel like it, clear it when you need to. Never clear the “live for you” bit. AND, but never OR.

  3. DH Says:

    Living only for yourself may get boring at some point. We are wired to interact with our own kind, and hopefully you find somebody out there who will operate on the frequency that brings out your “better angels”. When that happens, you willingly expend your life energy to get some of theirs in return.

  4. sheer_panic Says:

    DH: I doubt if I really meant it. I think I would be sad if I had a life that didn’t include other people in it, including their needs and desires. Generally I like to have a balance. I was just really angry and sad because I was recently betrayed rather thoroughly by someone, and because also it seems like people are always coming at me to get money, help with projects, etc, but when for example I request that a loan be repayed, I get a whole lot of crickets.

Leave a Reply