Not dead.

I just thought that I’d post that I’m not dead.

I’ve been making some changes in my life. I expect to make some more. There’s something seriously wrong with my life, and I haven’t yet figured out what it is. (One possibility is the Phoebe-shaped hole is still making itself known.. five years is a long time to live with somebody.. )

I don’t really feel that my future is secure. I’m scared for it, in fact.. with the number of natural disasters that could occur (the Tsunami was a big reminder that God is not universally on the side of the humans), the number of artifical disasters that could occur.. the whole world economy seems so fragile, like it could come unglued at any time. And yes, humans would adapt, but..

I don’t even really know what I’m scared of. Or what it is that I need to change. I’m acting like I’m stuck in the Indigo Girls song Closer to Fine – I’ve tried reading the Bible (only to be horrified.. there’s a lot of scary things in there. The book is not for kids – I can’t understand why my parents hid the Heinlien but not the bible.. if I’d ever actually read it when I was a child, it would have given me nightmares for *months*.

And yet – we don’t even know what it’s a history *of*. It scares me – why does somewhere between 35 and 70% of the world think this book is a accurate portrayal of God?

Perhaps this is what happens to people that makes them turn conservative as they grow older? The knowledge of how small they are, of how much they don’t know, of how fragile and temporary the soap bubble might be?

Why do so many think we’re immortal? What is it that everyone can see that I can not?

3 Responses to “Not dead.”

  1. goamaki Says:

    actually, I’m sure if you read the Bible as a kid in Bible school, it would be just like any other school work, and you might believe in it or follow it, or you might just go through the motions to get through it. The only reason it scares you right now, is because YOU’RE AN ADULT. You have already established your own sense of identity (whether you trust in it or not right now). It scares you, because you’re probably beyond what is in there right now. For me, it simply reads like a book of fables, to teach, to help, perhaps to manipulate, to provide hope to some, to brainwash, whatever the case may be, depending on YOUR OWN MIND. If you were a mind that was easily molded, you’d believe and embrace everything in there.

    You’re only looking at everything from “the glass is half empty” point of view. I know way more people that believe that we’re mortal, than immortal. Natural disasters don’t outweigh all the good things that nature is doing…we just don’t hear about those things so much. But all you have to do is go hiking in the woods, to know that Mother Nature is glorious and won’t hurt us as much as we see in the news.

    Perhaps people “turn conservative”, because they like the cut n’ dry ways of managing ones life: Put all faith in God, trust our gonvernment, go to work, make a paycheck, have kids, save for retirement, etc. It’s easy.

    But you’re an artist Sheer. An artist of a technical kind, but an artist nevertheless. And as one, will never be a part of the usual trains of thought. You’re able to not just swallow what is put in front of you. You’re not going to let yourself just be a machine, and do whatever society steers towards. You’re going to go against the grain…and you’re going to fight the establishment. you are a modern day hippie. 🙂

    If you haven’t allowed yourself to really go through all the therapy you can, then the job isn’t done. Don’t expect yourself to ever feel “normal”. But at least you can work slowly towards getting yourself together enough, with enough funds, to get more help. And stay away from the little silver canisters.

    You’re having a late 20s crisis…we’ve all done it. But the WORST thing you could do is do drugs while it’s happening.

    It’s like being a teenager, and doing drugs, while your body and brain are still growing. It will only lead to a fucked up foundation for the rest of your life.

    You took/are taking too much nitrous. BOTTOM LINE. And it’s fucking up your thought process. God Schmod. It’s the drugs. lay off em!

  2. cori_chronicles Says:


    Please take care of yourself, Sheer… Listen to Goamaki and get assistance to stop nitrous. I’m worried about you, my friend.


  3. rarkrarkrark Says:

    > Why do so many think we’re immortal? What is it that
    > everyone can see that I can not?

    That sitting there stressing about mortality just fritters away the finite amount of time that each of us has, and most of us would rather do something else 😉

Leave a Reply