Tuning out..
I left the real world a while ago. It was rather pleasent. I just stopped reading the newspapers, stopped watching the television news, and figured they can all go to hell in a handbasket however they like. So far the kind men at the power company have kept the power on, and my friends at Blarg have kept the network connection up. Oil prices seem to be climbing but as long as I can get enough solar panels to keep my computers running when the power company starts charging twice as much a kwh, I should be okay.
Or will I? I’ve had thoughts that bordered on the darkest insanity I know.. this repeated anger that I was created without my permission and then forced to live in a world that requires me to eat and subjects me to miserable conditions unless I work – basically enslave myself to other people and other people’s priorities.
It’s frustrating. I want to build electric vehicles and write music. (and probably fiction, and probably fingerpaint for all of that). Now that I understand that all you have to do to be omnipotent is be a number line, my patience with this situation is waning, to put it mildly.
Did I ask to be created? I can’t remember it if I did – but it wouldn’t astonish me to discover that I in fact somewhere back in the depths of time thought that being a human would be a lot of fun. And yes, it’s definately had it’s high points.
But I’m not looking forward to the slow decay of years, and I’ve had enough pain already, thank you very much, I really don’t need more.
I went to a bipolar support group meeting today. If nothing else, it’s reassuring to note that I’m not the only frustrated one, nor the only one who thinks I’m stuck inside a system that often makes no sense at all or is counterproductive.