So hard to tell

Is it all my fault? Everything that’s ever gone wrong in my life? Is some of it mine? None of it? I know that knowing who’s fault things are doesn’t help any in fixing them. But I still.. I don’t know. Part of me wants to say I wasn’t given the tools I needed, and I had to go find them myself, and that I don’t think my parents should have had children. Another part of me thinks I warped my experience of reality through my persistent negative self image, and that I could have been handed exactly what I needed and still not gotten it.

Someone bought ‘Secret Garden’ on my kindle account. It wasn’t me, but I’m reading it anyway. Interesting.

2 Responses to “So hard to tell”

  1. Firesong Says:

    The part of you that says you weren’t given the tools you needed is correct. You weren’t born with a persistent negative self-image. I can’t speak for the rest of it, but something certainly came first. It cannot be all your fault.

  2. Steve Seman Says:

    Sheer, I don’t think concentrating on fault is going to fix whatever is broken in life. We have to be responsible for ourselves, but I think being responsible is taking what we have today, right now, and identifying what needs fixed. Then, compare notes with others that have had the same experience and using their knowledge to fix those things we can in a way that works for us.

    I have spent a long time using Jedi Mind Tricks on myself to allow me to function in society, even though I am ADHD and have many Anti-Social behaviours. For me, this allows me to function on many levels without changing who I am. This works for me, but may not work for others.

    I sometimes wonder if I have a mild form of Autism, as I can experience most emotions for those close to me, but I don’t seem to care for the starving Ethiopians or others I don’t know. This doesn’t bother me unless others close to me are offended by my lack of caring. When others close to me are offended, I feel guilty that I let them down, but still feel it is not important enough to rewire to be like them.

    I have grown fairly comfortable with myself after 51 years, but there are still edges and shades of who I am that are still evolving and maturing. I sometimes have to push myself into areas of learning and experience to answer questions in my mind…

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