One more side note..

Kayti was adopted, and has talked about how being adopted might have negatively impacted her life. Sometimes I worry that my son, who was adopted because at 19 I didn’t really feel like I had either the emotional maturity or the financial stability to raise a child, will have had his life completely ruined by being adopted and will blame me and think that I didn’t love him.. but it was because I did love him that I gave him up for adoption. (Insofar as one can love a entitiy that one doesn’t know yet and in fact doesn’t exist, at least in this world, yet)

I don’t know. I wish I could be sure I had done the right thing. OF course it was partially up to the mother (who is on my friends list and might or might not come forward and comment about this)

Nathaniel, if you’re reading this ten years later and hating me, I’m sorry. I did what seemed to be the best thing to do at the time. That’s pretty much how I live my life, except when I do what definatley doesn’t seem to be the best thing to do at the time. Which I also do occasionally although I’m slowly learning not to.

13 Responses to “One more side note..”

  1. chaoticfire Says:
  2. rarkrarkrark Says:

    Actually, you were 21, not 19.

    (I know this, because *I* was 19, and I’m two years younger than you, to the week)

    One of the reasons I insisted on open adoption was to avoid a number of the known issues that trouble adoptees. It may have all been for naught. I can’t seem to even get a birthday present to him, anymore. I sent a check last year and it was never cashed. I finally had to cancel it (after a year, and several attempts at contacting Deb, to whom I had mailed it). Last I checked Meira was still claiming that because he’s special needs she can and will keep him from contacting me until he’s 21, but I’ve got a lawyer who says that this is BS, and that at 18 he can contact whomever unless he’s actually declared incompetent. (Which I think is unlikely, unless they drug him well beyond reasonable boundaries)

    Given that my parents (who aren’t fit to raise animals, much less humans) were sitting there, nasty divorce and custody battle lawyer at hand (do you know they blame me for those lawyer bills?) waiting to yank custody from me, I still think it was the right decision, or as right as could be had in the situation. Meira may be psycho (she may also be getting better. I pray so) but my mother is more psycho and N is still is much less danger of getting raped there then he would be with my parents, I think. (I know that pedophiles are usually gender specific, but let’s say I don’t trust that in this case at all). Given my age, lack of income, lack of support and the fact that you and Meira were planning on calling CPS on me and telling them about my psych history (which was still very fresh at that point..nowadays it wouldn’t be an issue, but back then…esspecially as I still thought I was psychotic) if I decided not to relinquish, there really wasn’t much of a choice — if I’d tried to keep him he’d have ended up with my parents. The odds of the situation falling out any other way would have been very low.

    (Though I often wonder what would have happened if I disregarded your demand and told your parents about him prior. OTOH, Chris’s mom’s attitude that I was just trying to get pregnant to force a guy to marry and support me had a lot to do with my unwillingness to do that, too. If I regret anything, it’s being so damn young and naive. That, and not doing a background check, which would have proven that the homestudy was a fake and that Meira was lying about how long they’d owned the house/been together/etc)

  3. sheer_panic Says:

    >the fact that you and Meira were planning on calling CPS on me and telling >them about my psych history (which was still very fresh at that >point..nowadays it wouldn’t be an issue, but back then…esspecially as I >still thought I was psychotic) if I decided not to relinquish, there really >wasn’t much of a choice — if I’d tried to keep him he’d have ended up with my >parents.

    21, yes, you’re right, I stand corrected.

    At the risk of angering you – I *never* threatened you with CPS, or anything else. I argued strongly for adoption, but I didn’t threaten to do *anything* to you if you chose otherwise, *ever*. If you remember otherwise, our realities are divergant. Unfortunately, we have no records of our conversations on the subject, since they were all voice conversations. But I *promise* you that I didn’t threaten you with CPS – that’s not even in charicter for me. Anyway, if Meira had called CPS prior to the adoption she would have been left with no rights at all.

  4. rarkrarkrark Says:

    I’m not angry.

    Meira will admit to this, though she claims she didn’t say she would ahead of time (I recall her threatening to do so, on the phone, but this was after I’d decided to relinquish — she told me that if I changed my mind again she’d have to call CPS because I wasn’t fit to be a parent and my parents would abuse N, but she denies this), she made it clear verbally during the court battle with my parents and in email after that she had every intention of calling CPS if I didn’t relinquish, because she felt that N would have been in danger if she hadn’t. Ironically, if things had gone that way, that would have endangered him more (putting him with my parents, probably, since CPS would have placed him with the nearest relative. Possibly your parents, but I don’t know that your parents would have been willing to go into a legal battle with my parents for N, though my mother spent a fair amount of time assuring me that that was your mom’s plan (to take N away from me), but that’s just my mother’s guilty conscience talking).

    Okay, that’s another regret — because when she told me that, about CPS, that did give me the little ‘ping this isn’t right’ in my head, but I’d already decided I would, so I ignored it.

    Now that you mention it, you may not have been part of that. I don’t (and never did) remember you threatening. I remember conversations after the fact on this, but my actual recollection is that M *said* that you had planned to do this with her, and I have no recollection that *you* said you would. I just assumed at the time (this was very early on — if it had been later I would have stored that memory a bit more carefully — but you remember it took me awhile to realize that she tries to play us against eachother) that she was telling the truth — and at the time, I also believed that going to CPS would have been the right thing, because I believed I was psychotic and potentially dangerous and not a fit parent. OTOH, I do remember that you were rather adamantly opposed to me keeping N, which lent credibility to her allegation.

  5. rarkrarkrark Says:

    If I’d refused to relinquish Mindy wouldn’t have had a prayer anyway. But her story was that you were willing to tell CPS that I was unfit and sign your rights over to her, so the strategy would have been to have me declared unfit (19, less than two years out of the hospital/off antipsychotics, unable to cope with school, minimal income, wouldn’t have been that difficult, I think), get my rights terminated and then have you sign your rights over to her. Of course, if you weren’t willing to do this (or, also likely, if my parents pulled a sucessful custody grab in the middle of that situation) she would have been screwed, but no more screwed than she already would have been.

  6. rarkrarkrark Says:

    BTW, have you heard any news of N? Like how he’s doing? Anything?

  7. kayti23 Says:

    I want to underline Sheer’s wording that I had been talking ABOUT it, not saying that I thought so. On the whole I think I’m luckier than not to be adopted, whatever others are telling me.

  8. sheer_panic Says:

    I’ll have to ask my parents.. they went up to visit H* for $(WINTER_RELIGIOUS_HOLIDAY) as they always do, but they didn’t really tell me much about how h* was doing or what h* was up to.

    I will make a note to talk to my mom about it and then email you with whatever I find out.

  9. sati Says:

    Not having been adopted nor been through adoption either on the giving or receiving end, I only offer my opinion on watching it happen. I have seen many adoptive families, including the families of 4 of my cousins who are adopted including the cousin who committed suicide in May, and it does seem that being adopted is something to struggle with. But everyone has things to struggle with when they are growing up and being adopted is probably a better thing than being raised in a family that is incapable of supporting a child’s needs. You did what you thought was right at the time and even if his family seems to be worse than anything either of you could have been (not saying they are or you are, just IF), it doesn’t mean that they or you are. If you need someone to help justify it, I can offer character witness to your parenting abilities at the age of 21. 🙂

    If he’s reading this 10 years down the road, he’ll also have the chance to read everything else you’ve written and might realize he was better off. 🙂

  10. rarkrarkrark Says:

    Thank you.

  11. goamaki Says:

    The only thing that will bring two people together, is getting all the bad shit out, communicating, and letting eachother know how you really feel. Sure, he might not have thought you loved him, but if you could contact him to let him know the reasons behind your choice, he will understand more. Muschi just reunited with his mother…it was quite a story. And it turned out very well. 🙂

  12. goamaki Says:

    now that I’ve read a little bit of the history, I understand things a wee bit more…
    I sure hope things can come to a resolution…

  13. anonymous Says:

    From what I saw of Deb and Mindy (or Deb and Miera, or whatever their names are–thankfully it’s been so long that I can’t even remember), I wouldn’t trust them to take care of a cat, let alone a child.

    They seemed rather fake, insincere, and trying hard to hide their dislike of my presence there. I was glad to leave.

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