Cigarettes and debugging..

I wish I could understand my repeated cravings for cigarettes. I haven’t smoked for a year (somewhere + or -) except for two cigs with Chris M. while I was in Socal, and now I keep having cravings every day. And they’re not craving-cravings, not body cravings, they’re more like intellectual cravings.. like my brain is sending me a text message saying ‘I want a cigarette’ and my lungs are sending one saying ‘Hell no!’.

I’m making a serious and determined attempt to debug myself. I can’t go on living this way. Something’s wrong, and that something has to change. I’m enlisting whatever professional help I can afford – I’ve gotten health insurance, and I’ve got a pretty good paying gig at least for now.. I’m trying medication, I’m trying shrinks, I’m trying counsolers, I’m trying NA, I’m trying WHATEVER it takes to get my life unsnarled to where it doesn’t hurt and stress me out to my limits all the time. I know many of you might say I should just grow my limits out further and find ways to reduce stress, but I don’t think so. I think there’s some solution that doesn’t push me so far and make me so unhappy and make me hurt other people so much and leave me so lost.

I have to figure out how to balance what I want, what I need, what the world wants, and what the world needs.

I apologize to my friends (particularly ) for dumping my problems and wants and confusion on you during this last episode. I understand that you all have lives too. I’m just *lost* – in four dimensions. At least.

2 Responses to “Cigarettes and debugging..”

  1. goamaki Says:

    I bet the cigarette thing has nothing to do with a cigarette. 😉 And that’s what you’ll find out in therapy, I’m sure. If you’ve got insurance and all the help, then use it, and use it for as long as you can. Hang in there Sheer! We all feel lost at times in our lives, and really the only way to get back is to really really want it for ourselves…and take slow and steady steps forward that will help us. Best of luck to you.*hugs

  2. cori_chronicles Says:

    I support you doing this! I am proud of you, I commend you. I know it is hard, and I know you have the strength to do it. If you ever need to talk, or vent, or yell or cry or whatever, I’m online, I’m near a phone… Please don’t hesitate to call. Trouble me, as 10,000 Maniacs sing. I mean it! You’re very important to Scott and I.

    I smoked during 1996, and not even that much. Just one year, mostly while drinking or going to Denny’s at midnight… I still think about the whole process of opening a new pack, and lighting it, flicking… The whole thing is still, 10 years later, a seductive process. Just take it one moment at a time. And listen to your lungs. *grins*

    Sending you big hugs!

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