Using dream..

So, I had the traditional ‘using dream’ last night – it was very unpleasent. I didn’t want to use, but I kept buying more and I came home and upset my lover by using six boxes in a row and I was sick and miserable and I knew that I had just blown my 133 days without making it past my record of 153..

I actually thought the dream was real until I finished awaking and realized that it was, indeed, just a dream. I’ve had other nitrous dreams, but never so detailed.

I find this time more than last that as I get further away from the drug, the idea of using it is more and more repellant – I have a clear memory of how I felt afterwords, the sickness – and how instead of bringing enlightenment at the end it only brought more confusion. I don’t think I am likely to return to being a nitrous addict, nor a nitrous user at all. As Alex said, when you get the message… hang up the phone.

I’m waiting until 365 days before I try anything, even alchohol – although I have been known to have a drink or two with friends under the right circumstances. But not enough to seriously affect my thinking.

In 2004 my new years resolution was to go a year without drugs [aside from caffine]. In 2006 I managed a year without cigs (and I’m still not smoking – that’s another one that’s repellent to me at the moment, although every once in a while when a friend lights up I’m tempted). 2007 I’m fairly certain will be a year without drugs. 2008 will, I’m fairly certain, be a year without debt.

Things are getting better. I think it will make me feel years younger to be free of debt, and free of the fear of getting evited the *day* I stop working. (once I get my debts paid off, I will build up a 3-month cash cushion before doing anything extravagent.. )


I’ve been trying to kick myself back into gear on the EV project, but it’s just not as fun when there’s no one to share it with. I should try and get Chris Mish and Josh sucked back in if possible, if not find new friends to share it with. Right now I’ve got all the packet management code written and I’m stalled on the *initialization settings*. (Actually, I also need to get a new STK500 as I have yet again blown all of mine – those stupid things are *way* too fragile.. okay, so I should use isolaters on my serial ports and isolated power supplies – no one’s perfect!)

I’ve been liking my life more – now when I think of suicide, it’s with a sense of ‘how stupid that would be’.

I miss parts of Seattle, but honestly, I’m glad I got out. People with tendancies towards depression should not live there.

4 Responses to “Using dream..”

  1. anonymous Says:

    Using dream. Damn. Weren’t you ever able to plan and control your dreams? Maybe it weights to heavily on your mind? What about counting less and focusing on other priorities and entertainments first? I mean, I’m sure you’ve thought of it already but based on my experience having caused or accidentally cause my own dreams it seems like that says alot without having to be Freuds bitch.

    The confusion part. Man, let me tell you – known plenty of people on the stuff. Even folks who like to just take a hit off an empty whipped cream can – I couldn’t ever bother… To me; it just doesn’t add up… People don’t need any more confusion – life is strange enough!

    Good going on the year without drugs though! (mostly, ya quitter…)

    (don’t get me started on debt)

    I’d be up for the EV action man! I’m just too busy these days and I can’t get Brian to fix the crap he said he’d be there to help with so… all my projects are killing me. But one of these days here – I’m going to find some equilibrium.

    Which brings me to the depression point… I never would have really pegged you for real depression. I always was conned into thinking I was depressed. Turns out I’m just sick. I like what most people find depressing. I think that makes me a bad influence and that bumms me out. I just prefer the cold dark reality that people shy away from or ignore… It’s my space. Someone once said something great, it was something like… Those with the power of accurate observation are often mistakenly considered cynical by those who have not got it”

    I like that. Seen the movie Equilibrium? *tap tap tap* well have you?!?!

    Now that’s a good kind of depressing. I’ll say it; I don’t mind a tear jerker now and then. A guy has to let it out a little here or there.

    errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr- I think I’ve gone to far… So lets change the subject.

    Or maybe just a little. Love Seattle. I just think those pricks take their depression a little too seriously. Once I finish drafting up my new religion that will hopefully be the basis for either getting rich or taking over the country/world I’ll also get to work on my latest psychology treatment. I think people NEED it. “How not to take life too fucking seriously! By Dr. Chris Mish” (no, seriously, I can legally say that now) That may just be it. Maybe my sickness that allows me to enjoy depression with a little light hearted joviality is a thought process that puts things more in perspective. MAN I NEED TO PUT THIS SHIT IN BOTTLES AND SELL IT!

  2. anonymous Says:

    Rememeber… If you’re going to count animals to sleep: Don’t count endagered species! You’ll run out!

  3. anonymous Says:

    oh yah, and one of the main reasons I like what people find depressing is because I can at least take a little pleasure in the knowledge that I’m not sheltering myself into a reality that exists only for my own benefit. There’s nothing I hate more than people drowning in their own ignorance.

  4. zarkle Says:

    which parts of Seattle do you miss? 🙂

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