The twilight zone

So, I’ve come to the conclusion that somehow deep in my mind, religion is twisted around my brainstem in extremely negative ways.

While the bible certainly isn’t all good news [there’s whole bits about how YHWH blew away competing tribes, and cautions against casual and illicet sex which would appear to put me in the ‘Bad Person’ category], it doesn’t contain anything nearly as dark as my mental associations with christianity would appear to indicate.

I don’t understand why I’m so frustrated with God, why I keep fearing the entity is evil, or thinking that it’s far better than the God presented in the bible. It’s the strangest thing.

I do sort of understand why I’m frustrated with the christians of this world, who see the forgiveness of their hero and then go out and lock people up for inhaling the smoke of a plant. For example. Or start wars, for example. But it is not my place to judge them.. I’m trying to get unscrewed in my own mind, not go on about the problems of others. Best to get my own affairs in order.

I’ve been really depressed lately – mostly about religion and spirituality and my inability to make things work in my own head.

I’ve read Indian and Bhuddist texts, as well as the Bible. (I must say, as a side note, should any of you want to slog through religious texts, the Bhagavad Gita as it is and the Message version of the bible are pretty readable. None of the ‘But master, it hath been many days and he doth stinkith’ of the KJV. Whether the message version captures the entire spirit of the original text is impossible to say.

I’ve also been sleeping extremly odd hours.. today i woke up at 8pm, for example. I’ve been having trouble sleeping, which isn’t helping. But really, considering how many of the earth’s inhabitants are worse off than I am, I have zero room to complain.

That’s what’s really upsetting. I should not be depressed. I have a good job that feels like it’s being helpful to humanity, MC has found a possible new drum machine operator to replace Alex [who is moving to San Fran] and he’s really good.. and yet, I’ve been depressed beyond anything I consider normal.

Part of my problem is that I’ve been categorizing my wrongs, and I’ve done a whole lot of bad things. My list of Things I’ve Done Wrong In Relationships is several pages long.. and I’m still thinking of new things. Perhaps if I could forgive myself, I’d be better off. Then again, perhaps if I could forgive myself, I’d be more likely to make the same mistakes again. I don’t know.

4 Responses to “The twilight zone”

  1. kayti23 Says:

    That’s the trick, you know? You forgive yourself, but you don’t forget.

  2. eaglesoars Says:

    You ask others for forgiveness. You forgive yourself. You remember that it is by making mistakes that we learn. We learn, gain forgiveness, and move on–If we try to carry all our baggage forever we will be so weighed down we will not be able to grow. So–remember what was a past mistake and try not to repeat it. And perhaps stay awake during daylight hours to interact with others who can reflect the love and forgiveness they have for you. Also remember, there are professionals who know how to help us work through these sorts of issues if we get bogged down.

  3. brassratgirl Says:

    “And I think you’d find / that your friends would forgive you / or maybe I’m just / speaking for me”
    — Ani DiFranco

  4. jcurious Says:

    RE: feeling depressed
    It’s quite possible that you have some sort of imbalance… Personaly when I fell like I’m depressed even when I shouln’t be, I just work through it… if that doesn’t work out for you – consider going to a doctor… just remeber, “it’s all good”

    RE: making a list of wrongs
    well, you could always do what earl does:

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