okay, so..
1) Be this public announcement, thusly that I can not possibly have anyone claim that I didn’t post it and it wasn’t publicly announced (this a reaction to a email P. sent me)
a: I am in love with P., and want her back. Anyone else who might seek to be involved with me should understand that I am in love with P., and will go back to her as soon as this is a option.. um, maybe.
b: I say um, maybe because her last email to me shows a lack of respect for me in several particulars, and that makes me wonder if she’d really be happy with me even if she agreed to return to me or if I’d just continue to make her miserable. I suspect she thinks of me as less than her, even though she would claim vehemently that that’s not the case, and that makes me very sad. We once were lovers as equals, where and how did that break down?
c: I am in no way interested in a romantic relationship with
d: I haven’t used any drugs for several weeks, therefore am not using drugs to escape, and I don’t appriciate the inference. I have always been hyperaware of my drug use and its potential to be problimatic – and may I remind those of you in the audiance who seem to be taking a slightly holier-than-thou tack that alchohol is a drug as well? Yes, I went on a one-week N2O bender – but we’re talking about a drug so harmless that you can legally buy it OTC here. And even in that week, I still got work done, and still finished up the album.
e: I’m aware of the fact that you can date without sex, because I’ve (kind of) done it – what little dating I’ve done recently has been sexless. I haven’t had sex with anyone since P. – and I’ve been up front with everyone I’ve even so much as flirted with. No one out there thinks that they’re about to enter into a long term relationship with me, or that I’m over P. or even remotely over her. Everyone at this point knows that I want her back..
Except, do I? It used to drive me nuts when she’d order me around, and I just got a 20 paragraph list of orders, with no sign that even if I followed them all, she’d return. And a list of assumptions that hurts even worse i.e. that I would enter into a relationship with someone else without telling them that I was still thoroughly stuck on P., that I would have nonprotected sex with them (I have learned, you know – I can be taught), that I would go inflict myself on some poor 20-year-old (who isn’t even interested in me and probably wouldn’t be anyway), that I’m some sort of druggie who has just been using drugs continuously to escape..
All her assumptions except for the first one speak of a lack of respect for me. [cries] am I really willing to enter back into a relationship with someone who doesn’t respect me, even as she complains that I didn’t respect her? Do I respect her?
Well, yes. Fine. I’ll do all the things I’ve been ordered to do. But pardon me if I cry about it a little bit.
November 16th, 2004 at 8:48 am
for the record:
Sheer asked what I wanted out of life, and what I thought he could do.
I told him.
I commented on several things that he has blogged about.
I gave advice based on past actions,
and apparently this shows a lack of respect.
What I said in sum, and this is a direct quote: “get your own shit together if you want your relationship’s shit to be together. That is in a nutshell how it works, imho.”
*shrugs* I don’t think this is terribly unreasonable. Having an argument publicly on livejournal probably is, however.
November 16th, 2004 at 8:57 am
Also, I said in the email they were pieces of advice/requests. Not orders. No skin off my nose either way; I just suggested things that I think would help make S. happier. One of them was to clean the house, and the other was to be honest with himself and other people, including me. I was just verbose about it. Again, I don’t think these things are terribly unreasonable.
November 16th, 2004 at 10:23 am
I tried to get a hold of you online otherwise to try and talk to you about this because I couldn’t stand by and stay silent any longer.
First things first, dude, you got to stop the wallowing. I know how it feels to be in that place and I know its seductive feel to make a nice rut in there. Don’t do it.
Secondly, uh, dude, your WAY fucking better off then many, MANY people I know and that goes for people I don’t even know.
1. You make a stupidly huge amount of money each month from your coding jobs
2. You have time AND the money(perhaps not spare due to item #1 and other items to come) to persue all kinds of cool as shit hobbies and interests you have. Fusor stuff, EV vehicle, band, etc.
3. You suck at time management, however some would say the corallary to it is you do your best work at 2am in the morning (I’m the same way). This in turn stresses you out due to Item #1 going like gangbusters.
4. You were in a relationship with a interesting and nice person for what was it? The past 5 years or so I think? Dude, I haven’t even gotten a DATE in the past 2 years and its slowly driving me insane and reclusive.
Okay, that was all the easy stuff. This is the really hard part.
Dude, do NOT pine to have your old relationship back.
Period.
Ever.
Finito.
If it doesn’t work out the first time you are either: A) Not compatible or B)Very very very unlucky
Percentages where A is the case:
~99.99%
Percentages where B is the case:
Less then 1%
I’ve seen friends of mine down here in CA do the whole relationship ON!….relationship OFF! (insert pained screams because now both parties are in even MORE emotional pain then after they first broke up…something that they thought WAS NOT POSSIBLE)
Give up on P. Do not persue this path. Down this path lie hurt and sorrow and pain like you have yet to begin to experince.
Look, I want to be positive for you, really I do. But I’m at the point in my own life where I can no longer shut up when I see situations like this because so much fucking pain and anguish can be prevented by coming to the realization that if it didn’t work out the first time that its very most probably likely to not work out again a second, third, or nth time.
Plus the iterations after the first are NEVER EVER NEVER the same as the first relationship. Trusts are broken, feelings are hurt, sensitivities run high.
You may not like me right now for what I am saying, but if I wasn’t your friend then I wouldn’t be taking the time to try and say this so I can try to help a friend in need.
Right now you need to NOT be in a relationship, with ANYONE. For at least a few months dude. You just got out of a multi-year relationship and that means you have a lot of thinking to do. Sure, think about times you had with her, but dammit, learn from your mistakes and find out more about who you are now as a person so you can be better equipped for when you do find someone else that you are compatible with (yes it will happen, even I, Dan, the ultra pessimistic bitter lonely guy has hope, he just wishes its ass would move in more clearly defined ways sometimes)
If you want to talk to me about any of this shit call me at 562-331-1603. I’ve tried to talk to you about this online but everytime I inquire your either not there or preoccupied so I had to do it this way. Sorry.
November 16th, 2004 at 11:18 am
1) Why woudl I take the relationship advice of someone who hasn’t had a date in the last two years?
2) I will give up on this when hell freezes over.
S.
November 16th, 2004 at 11:34 am
Because I have been in long term relationship before
Because I have already seen this EXACT scenario play out with other friends
Because I have already had this EXACT scenario play out with myself
Because I think you are going about this situation in the totally wrong way
Because I think if you go down the path your proclaiming you will be worse off from now till 6 months from now. Beyond that you’d be better but thats because I am assuming you would be with someone else.
BTW, re #1, thanks for the vote of confidence.
Re #2, perhaps you forgot the recent election? Hell already froze over, so, I win! 🙂
Seriously John, I want you to be happy but I honestly think this is not the way your going to be happy.
I could be totally off my rocker wrong! Really, I could.
Or could it just be that I have personally dealt with this before in addition to seeing other close friends of mine deal with it and only get hurt more because they DID NOT ALLOW THEMSELVES TO THINK CLEARLY BECAUSE THEY WERE “IN LOVE”.
Before you write back word one to this post I suggest you read over that last line for a good few days and THINK.
Yes, you can put back together the broken chinaware after the bull has ran through the dinihng room, but the chinawear is no longer the same. So it goes for relationships as well.
By all means, be friends! But don’t go pining for the fjords of yore again as it really is asking to get socked even harder around when it fails on the second go-around. You thought it hurt bad this time? Dude, I can’t even try to begin to describe how much deeper this rabbit hole of pain goes. I’m trying to help you avoid some really seriously hurt. You don’t have to listen to me. But if you end up falling into the trap I have tried to warn you about there ain’t shit I can do to make it any better the second time.
November 17th, 2004 at 2:52 am
he’s right…even if you “got” P. back, at this point, I don’t see what kind of relationship you could have. Like, you’re trying to force a bull into a donut hole.
November 17th, 2004 at 2:54 am
hehe…you are not being unreasonable. I think that’s the whole problem: one cannot ‘reason’ with a stubborn Taurus. ;P
November 17th, 2004 at 12:12 pm
I agree with this fellow too. He talks good sense!
I’d also point out Quark to you. Not even a year ago he was intent on getting his exwife back (who had just left him at the time and wasn’t really an exwife yet). He was sure that if he went to church regularly and went on some insane exercising regiment and basically change ever piece of himself that she didn’t like, then he could get her back. I’m not sure what happened to wake him up from that bit of folly but now he’s met a fantastic woman that loves him for who he is and not what she wants him to be. He doesn’t have to change a thing for her. He’s completly smitten with her…has a ring and everything. And it’s not even a year since he last swore he’d never love anyone else again!
And if you’ve already asked the chick to come back and she’s said no…especially if she’s already happily involved with someone else…you’re more likely to completly ruin whatever bit of friendship still exists then to get her back with constant groveling and pleading. It will become an ordeal to even speak with you and sooner or later she’ll stop answering the phone.
Of course nobody ever knows what is in store for them right around the corner. If this P has given you some reason for hope, then maybe there is hope. But if she’s said, “i’m happy now” then i’d imagine there is no hope and you’d do good to have some down time. To find out who you are without her. When you’ve been with someone for so long each of you become imprinted on the other, you sort of mould each other into different people. It’s hard to imagine yourself without her right now. You can’t imagine who you are without seeing yourself reflected through her. But you can be someone without her and when you finally understand that you’ll find someone who will adore you for you.
November 18th, 2004 at 3:51 am
heh 🙂
November 18th, 2004 at 7:15 am
Love has no rules.
Follow your bliss.
Engage only in the conscious collaboration for the pleasure and benefit of all involved. (If it hurts, stop)
You are a good person whether or not you are in a good relationship.
Love has no rules.