Well, this is it – if I can keep my heart from jumping out of my chest.

This is the part where we seperate the fantesy from the reality. This is where I press ‘play’, and find out if the dream is real or if I’ve gone completely, utterly mad.

Either way, it’ll be one hell of a ride.

About to burn 1400 miles across southern california.. dying dinosoars and cranked stereo, passing scenery and passing thoughts. Decision time, boy-o – you can roll the dice, or you can play it safe. You know the odds are miserable, but you know that if you win, it’s fuck-all big.

I don’t know what made me become aware of this huge gaping hole in my existance. No, that’s not true, I have a pretty good idea. But I’m not ready to talk about it yet. Maybe in a while. Maybe not ever. Maybe I’m about to get burned like no one has ever gotten burned before. Maybe I really am insane – betting my entire life on one fall of the dice.

Well, at least if I lose it won’t actually kill me.

This is the kind of thing you can’t really share with anyone – the true depth and bredth of insanity has to reside in my head alone, push my body alone to it’s utter limits. Conflicted. Play it safe, or grab for a dream? Do I even have any choice any more? I don’t really think I do. I think all choice left when I took the red pill.

I can’t shake the mental image of accelerating towards a brick wall. But I know, when the coin is in the air, what I’m hoping. There’s no doubt at all about that. The question is how to get there from here, with the least amount of people hurt.

If there’s a path from here to there at all – something I tend to be a little doubtful of.

Top of the world.

One Response to “38”

  1. Firesong Says:

    A long time ago and a long way away, but oh, how you burn. Yeah, I’ve been reading back through the early days here. This entry in particular is just so beautifully you… and perhaps you-ly beautiful. I had to speak to it, since it spoke to me.

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