Imposter Syndrome

So one problem I do definitely have from time to time is imposter syndrome – the feeling like I’ve been faking things the whole time and don’t really have any idea what I’m doing. This is extra ironic when talking about programming since I’ve written so much code in so many languages, including a fair amount which has seen production or even is still running in production. I’ve also done a fair amount of successful system administration.

I can understand with the building a solar array why I feel like a imposter – I am not in any way, shape, or form a electrical engineer although I do know a fair amount about electricity. but I’ve built *lots* of stuff that used electricity in various ways and I have a very good feel – I think – for how it works.

Of course, I think I’d rather have imposter syndrome than dunning-kruger – I’d *really* rather be me than Trump, for example – but it doesn’t help my paranoia that I keep feeling like my coworkers will discover I’ve been faking it this whole time and I’ll be fired and shortly thereafter end up homeless and hungry.

As I said, I don’t even really think you can accuse me, in a real world sense, of faking it any more. I’ve read thousands of books. I’ve read millions of lines of code. I’ve *written* a million lines of code. I’ve done *all kinds* of stuff..

Ironically one of the places I most feel like a imposter is in my repeated attempts at a music career – and I *really* want to get to a place where I’m earning as much as I am now writing music (or alternately have set up some sort of residual income so I can retain my current quality of life while writing music) – I undoubtedly have thousands of hours spent understanding music, and I’ll also be the first to admit that I am not yet good enough to get paid to do it, although I also feel like I have made some really serious strides this year and might be a lot closer to that dream than I was..

ANyway, as I’ve talked about elsewhere, one of my problems is fishbowl decoration. I know that my conscious experience is not directly connected to whatever senses I might happen to have simply because that isn’t really possible within the architecture of the human mind. As such, I would like it if my CE would get a much more utopic experience than it currently is, but one of my issues is that my subconscious is deeply convinced that I don’t *deserve* a utopic experience.. there are part of me that are convinced that I do not deserve to live at all or if I do deserve to live I do not deserve to live the sort of life I want to live. I’m pretty convinced this is all deeply irrational but there’s not a lot at least thus far that I can figure out to do about it.

Anyway, the imposter syndrome sense is more than a little odd at times.

3 Responses to “Imposter Syndrome”

  1. Firesong Says:

    I know the feeling well, and yes, it is irrational. It’s still hard to shake off. *hugs* You make things that work, though. You can look at your results and see how capable you are.

    You really are that good, too. The only thing your coworkers might suddenly discover is just how amazing you are (although they don’t all underestimate you, some of them clearly do).

  2. bunne Says:

    You’re not an imposter, you’re brilliant and talented and – somewhat as I have – you just kept listening to all of those nagging voices telling you that, just as everybody suspected and treated you like, you’re full of shit. I was pretty much written off as a nuisance since I could walk. And no matter how much you know better or how long it took to develop a sense of self-worth, you’re always gonna wonder if those people who were supposed to love you and defend you might be on the money. They’re not.

  3. Firesong Says:

    I know I already commented here, but I have to respond to bunne’s remarks. 🙂 He’s absolutely right. You *are* brilliant and talented, and the main reason you sometimes think you’re not is because of “those nagging voices”. Man, that’s so spot-on. Ahem. So, yes, those people who were supposed to love and defend you … they were wrong.


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