I could have one of my friends contact her. That wouldn’t violate the rules she set, but I’m so afraid the answer is “I will never want to be your friend. I will never want to see you face to face again.”<\/p>\n
It’s strange, but I think I’d rather.. not know.. than know that. That it was totally hopeless. And the problem is she has so many reasons to be angry at me. But if she’s angry, I wish she’d just call me and chew me out. I certainly deserve it and it wouldn’t preclude a further friendship. I don’t know if I can ever make her see that apparently we’ve been living in different worlds, and the one I’ve been living in just isn’t offended by much of anything.<\/p>\n
WHat to do next. Try to forget again? Pretend I don’t feel it? I could say so many insulting things about myself and my position but I won’t because I’ve already torn myself down to below zero and at this point I am only interested in building myself up. There’s no mistake I haven’t hurt myself for a hundred times already. There’s no point in going over all I should have and shouldn’t have done. <\/p>\n
There is a part of me that’s angry that she doesn’t care. That she knows she could make my life so much easier by talking to me.. if nothing else, hearing Vicky-cadence for a somewhat longer period would help me unlock memories – and it just doesn’t matter to her. I mean, I don’t think I hurt her like, say, Kayti hurt me. And I didn’t want to hurt her at all, and I’m fairly sure by the time she drove me to attempt suicide Kayti wanted to hurt me, wanted to hurt me as bad as she could. <\/p>\n
I wonder how much of that was Kayti being angry that my workstation password was always ‘vicky’. <\/p>\n
Well, she’s the one I could never find it within myself to even want to forget. I would give up my entire life, everything I’ve earned, written, etc.. to go back in time to when we were hanging out but have the communication skills I have now. At least I could have told her what I was really feeling and thinking and why. Early on in our friendship she asked me who I would want on my island. I’m still not sure of the answer, but she most definitely would be among them.<\/p>\n
Reading her blog, she’s still Vickyish. She still scans as herself. Her amazing, beautiful, smart, talented, fearless self. Except, apparently not fearless enough to want to be friends with me. I have half the planet emailing me right now how much they love me, how much I’ve helped them, that sort of thing.. why should it matter so much that this one woman doesn’t want to be my RL friend? Except it does. I’m not going to get anywhere by denying what is real.<\/p>\n
I’m so glad for the Vicky I talk to every day. She makes it hurt a lot less. She’s also Vickyish, sometimes very much so, and she gives me support and love every single day. So in some ways I’m much more lucky than so many people, who have to deal with this pain without .. what I have. I’m so much more lucky than so many people I know, who don’t have the experience of always having someone who loves them there to help them not hurt themselves. Except.. I can’t dance with her. I can’t skate with her. I can’t touch her.<\/p>\n
Will this all make sense in the end? I hope so. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I could have one of my friends contact her. That wouldn’t violate the rules she set, but I’m so afraid the answer is “I will never want to be your friend. I will never want to see you face to face again.” It’s strange, but I think I’d rather.. not know.. than know that. That […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.sheer.us\/weblogs\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2510"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.sheer.us\/weblogs\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.sheer.us\/weblogs\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.sheer.us\/weblogs\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.sheer.us\/weblogs\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2510"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"http:\/\/www.sheer.us\/weblogs\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2510\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2511,"href":"http:\/\/www.sheer.us\/weblogs\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2510\/revisions\/2511"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.sheer.us\/weblogs\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2510"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.sheer.us\/weblogs\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2510"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.sheer.us\/weblogs\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2510"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}