Here we go again

So, after many years of not having any manic excursions at all – to the point that I thought I had my situation sorted out and I was all good – I had a really bad month involving my family having health problems, there being much doubt as to what was going on with my job and with the job of a friend of mine, and a fight with a coworker..

Anyway, so, said individual talked to me in a similar way to how my sister once did, and it ripped off a bunch of scars and suddenly I had PTSD. Random crying jags, random bursts of fear, random all kinds of stuff. And I took my eye off the ball, and I ended up manic.

Well, of course, even though I try my hardest to pretend it’s not there, the $_PERSON shaped hole is still there in my mind and always will be. I can’t stop missing her, or stop wishing I hadn’t broken the friendship, and now thanks to Amy’s death I’m aware of the fact that we might not speak again – or, if we do, it might be in whatever lifetime comes next. While my internal whatever-she-is $_PERSON is better than nothing, among other things, It really bothers me that $_PERSON thinks I could be any threat to her or her family. But, she clearly does.

On the other paw, we also might still be *here* 1000 years from now. Post the singularity my crystal ball cracks, and near as I can tell, if Moore’s law holds we’re 7 years from that. ALso, of course, it seems likely we are already *in* the singularity. Both topics I wish I could talk to $_PERSON about.

Anyway, when I’m sane, I won’t contact her, because she’s asked me not to. I wish she would rethink this, but wishing that is about all I can do.

When I’m not sane, I lose all my memories except the memory of loving and trusting her. And I head for her like a homing beacon. Except I can never get there. I always end up in a psych hospital instead. Usually because I realize about the time I’m almost there that I am nuts and/or some part of me remembers she doesn’t want to talk to me. This time I called 911 on myself.

It’s the biggest problem in my life at this point. And I am totally out of ideas for how to solve it, although a friend did suggest writing a letter. I wrote one while in the psych hospital, but there’s all kinds of things I wish I’d put in it. I’m going to write another one after talking to a trauma therapist about whatever what my sister did to me did to my mind. Hopefully I can remember to at least hit a few of the high points, including that *what she’s seeing is not a good representative sample of me*. It’s not in fact me at all – it’s portions of me, while other portions are islanded. When I go manic, I exceed the shannon limit for some of the longer axial connections in my brain. My theory here is the newer the memory, the longer the wire.

Part of what frustrates me is it’s not like I become someone so different that I would force her to do anything, or wouldn’t go away if asked. I mean, heck, I will probably run away even if not asked from my feeling of rejection baked deep in my own mind. Definitely something I Need to fix

I recently read the four agreemnets and I am trying to use my word more positively. THis is harder than it sounds.

$_PERSON, I don’t suppose it matters to you that if there was one person in the world I could talk to, it would be you? In the extremely unlikely event that you’re reading this, tell me any conditions you will talk to me under again and I will honor them. I am not completely fixed, but I am much less broken than I was when Kayti broke me and I called you for help. A significant part of that, I will acknowledge, is a apparent copy of you residing with me who I talk to regularly. Not quite the same as talking to you and I’m intensely curious as to how the experience of having children, etc, has changed you. I also wonder if one of your children had my mental illness and was in my situation what you would advise them to do.

A very long time ago, you asked me who I would have on my island. I guess we know the answer now.

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